Thursday, February 14, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • So is it wrong that when I babysit I change the parental controls to only the adult channels and I block Nickelodeon and PBS?

  • Do you need a new excuse to call in sick? Try this one.
    I have a case of anal glaucoma.
    What the hell is anal glaucoma?
    I can't see my ass coming into work today.

  • I am going to punch a Olive Garden hostess in the neck if I see another promo or trailer for the movie “Vantage Point.” I figure the hostess will not get to mad at me because when I am there I am family.

  • The best name ever for a furniture store.


  • Have you been to a McDonalds lately? I swear it is like the modern-day version of the circus sideshow performers aka known as the freak shows. There are giants, midgets, bearded ladies, and Jo Jo the dog faced boy just loving it in their Golden Arches uniforms.

  • Here are some politically correct items about women:
    She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
    She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
    She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
    She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
    She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
    She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

  • Here are some politically correct items about men:
    He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
    He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
    He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
    He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
    He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
    It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

17 comments:

Random Chick said...

OMG! LOL!

On the politically correct stuff about women and men... have you ever heard any of George Carlin's bits? Sounds just like him!

tina said...

How perfect...I needed a new excuse for not going to work!! I am soooo using the Anal Glaucoma excuse tomorrow. :)

Hope you and the Mrs. had a nice V Day.

thisdayandage said...

ha...I like the bad dancer=overly white :)

and I loooove the name of the furniture store. too funny.

and as far as not having classes on fridays...it is very nice, I won't lie. but I just found out I start training for a new job tomorrow, so the free friday is no longer.

happy valentine's day!

Robyn said...

LMAO! That has to be the funniest sh*@ I have seen in a while!
Hugs,
Robyn

Jillian said...

LOL. "I figure the hostess will not get to mad at me because when I am there I am family."

"Previously enjoyed companion" Hahaha

And my fave: "Overly Causcasian"

Awesome. Right on

billy pilgrim said...

the lovely mrs myshkin quickly tired of morning wood.

angel, jr. said...

Some of those politically correct statements should be made into bumper stickers.

Cecile said...

I loved this post!LMAO

Travis Erwin said...

Rear cleavage seems worse somehow.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I thought anal glaucoma was when you could see out your brown eye, but everything was all fuzzy.

Phats said...

Good ones shife

The morning wood one is great that is funny. Please take a video of you punching the Olive Garden person and post it

Design Goddess said...

"Low cost provider" Guess I need to get new business cards, eh?

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

I actually had a co-worker use the anal glaucoma excuse. He's no longer with us, though I don't know if that's a coincidence or not.

The Egg said...

Where do you get this stuff? Awesome! I'll definitely use some of these terms.

Ron, apparently said...

Bumper sticker???? A truly American way to make a nice car look like a piece of shit.That and those tacky yellow ribbon magnets that make those who buy them appear desperate not to be seen to not be "supporting the troops". If you want to support 'em join up, I say. Shoot and be shot at, that's what makes the troops feel supported, not this driving around with chinese made magnets on your car making feel all warm and fuzzy that you're "doing your bit".
So there.

KnitTech said...

How funny. I like the PC stuff.

I wonder if I could get away with using Anal Glaucoma....

cher said...

awesome list of PC things. just awesome.

that movie looks kinda good. the trailer for it is neat anyway.

there's nothing i can say here that is even close to as funny as this post, so i'm just going to quietly slip out the back door and hope you don't notice my hair crisis.