Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Bug's Life

Are you familiar with this nursery rhyme?

Good night, sleep tight,
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
And if they do
Then take your shoe
And beat them ‘til
They’re black and blue!

Well guess what. Bed bugs do more than bite under your 400 count Egyptian cotton sheets. There is a full-on sex party going on down there.

I find the weirdest stuff on the Web but this is one of my top finds. I would expect to see in the near future a movie on the Sci-Fi channel starring the two Coreys, Vanilla Ice, and what’s left of the Facts of Life girls about a mutant bed bug who likes himself some serious S & M.

Huh? I know it is very confusing. Well let me try and shed some light on what the hell I am talking about.

It turns out that male bed bugs are not big into the whole courting scene. No poems, flowers, or dinner and a movie with these little bastards. They like to get to business time immediately. As a matter of fact they are so ready to go from zero to sexy time that they do not even bother finding the female’s genitalia. Evidently at one of the male bed bug conventions they just said the hell with finding Mt. Poonani and let’s try out something called “traumatic insemination.” Sounds like a fun Saturday night, huh?

The male bed bugs don’t care if the female wants to do the horizontal monster mash or not because they just want to bust their little bug nuts. So the male bed bug basically just stabs a random hole in her abdomen with his penis and then inseminates her. I am not really friendly with bed bugs or bed bug scientists so I am not sure if “traumatic” refers to the sex act or the fact that a male bed bug is packing a Black and Decker Power Drill between his six legs.

I think we need to update that nursery rhyme.

Good night, sleep like a lump,
Don’t let the bedbugs have a harrowing hump.
But if they do
Your sheets are going to be full of bug spunk
And you might be upset, perhaps a little sad
I would recommend getting really drunk!

21 comments:

Ron, apparently said...

Mrs. Ron says she thinks I was a bed-bug in a past life.Or this one.

Cecile said...

HA, I put off giving the boys a spelling test for this! It was well worth it. Thanks for the laugh everytime!

Jillian said...

lol... they just randomly take a stab at her? I think I know some guys like that. I call them "Sloppy Joes".

That's pretty gross though and worse because it's in someone's bed. Eww.

Jon said...

Um...I think I'm going to go wash my sheets now.

The Duck said...

Yeah, bed bugs are scary, and we apparently are having a bit of an epidemic with them in this country right now. A word of warning, don't buy mattresses from those people that put up signs saying "New king/queen mattress set $50". Odds are they've taken nasty old mattresses and recovered them, and bed bugs don't live in your sheets jon, they live in the mattress. Good luck stuffing that in your washer!

billy pilgrim said...

cool, it almost evens the scales for what those queen bees do to the well meaning and ultra courageous drones.

angel, jr. said...

You may want to check on the copyrights of the second bed bug poem. That might have been the one that I learned.

cher said...

ok, so last night i'm climbing into bed and out of nowhere, this one bed bug screams "RUMBLE!" as he's running straight into the throws of an old school, real life, gang war of bed bugs. And let me tell you, they took no prisoners, and there were definately bugs left behind. It was hard to tell who won the rumble, but when it was all over, i witnessed the most beautiful, touching moment ever seen between two bed bugs. Right before the one bed bug tried to traumatically inseminated the other, he looked lovingly into the other bugs eyes and said "Stay gold." and then rammed his tiny little love rod straight into his eye.

Anyway, it was weird. I guess you had to be there.


Mr.Shife, as usual, awesome post! Your creative brain must be removed from your corpse and studied when you die. You light up my life :)

INNER VOICES said...

ha! wicked... stabs it into her, any where... whoa... nasty fuckers...

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Informative, hilarious and - on a microscopic level - gross.

Damn that's funny.

KnitTech said...

Mr Shife, I've missed you. Now like others, it's time to wash the sheets.

Random Chick said...

Ewwwww! Now I have to go and spray my bed with RAID!! So thanks for that...NOT! ;-)

Essentially Me said...

You're the next Dr. Seuss!

tina said...

hahaha mother of all that's bug-holey i cant stop laughing - omg

tks for the images too - for some reason i remember that bug stuff forever. i saw a show on how many bugs live in your shower head and your loofah and that goes thru my mind occasionally...now i can think about the bugspunk in bed - hey guess that is where the action happens anyway lol

Phats said...

Where the hell did you come up with this? haha oh my this is great. Do you guys have bedbugs? I love this blog it seriously always makes me smile

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Thanks; I already have enough issues with insomnia without wondering about what's fucking in my bed.

Then again, it makes me kind of happy. At least someone in my bed is gettin' a little action.

Ron, apparently said...

I tried to penetrate Mrs.Ron throught the posterior chest wall between the 10th and 11th thoracic rib last night. She replied "Penetrate this, you fucking bug!" and punched me squarely on the nose.
Maybe I wasn't a success as a bed-bug. That's why I came back as a human.

The Egg said...

HA! I have to wash my comforters today:) Thanks for the info!

Random Chick said...

Hey, where have you been? I tagged you on my blog...

damon said...

I'd love to meet the college educated scientist who had to explain these findings.

Maybe this is where the viagara people got the formula.

Design Goddess said...

Nice! Don't forget though...they're also in your pillows!!!