Friday, April 13, 2007

Man Laws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

10. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

12. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

15. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

16. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

18. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

19. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

20. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, “Roll over, fatty, you’re next!”

12 comments:

tina said...

alright that's enough!...you have made me choke-laugh twice today

*note to self - do not eat or drink before or during a reading of Shife's blog.....*

;)

Mr. Shife said...

Sorry about that. I guess I need to put a warning on these sometimes. This list cracked me up and I just had to share.

Phats said...

Interesting, I think I am safe with most of these because I can't drink, but I get really pissed off when my buddies don't have the right kind of neer beer!

the rube said...

holy crap, that's a lot of rules for my one track man brain.

on the other hand, the lovely mrs myshkin has 237 rules for me to follow.

Jon said...

When I was in high school, a friend found a list like this that had about 100 rules on it. Every seventh one was "Lie".

angel, jr. said...

What if you took the last beer, were sipping it for a few minutes and no one has reached for the last slice of pizza (cause of a great sports play that everyone was paying attention to and talking about)?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

There are some nice bits of man-wisdom in that list.

wmy said...

Now that my screen has a fine coating of mountain dew...roll over fatty, your next???
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

KnitTech said...

I think #4 is wrong. Because you should be sitting in cell next to him, if you was a true friend.

Nutz On A Roll said...

I love this list!! I hope Mrs. Shife is doing better.

Phats said...

What about womens gymnastics?

pandave said...

yes yes yes on the speedo thing. they must be banned!