Friday, February 13, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day?

Since I view myself as a giving, thoughtful person, I thought I would share some last-minute gift ideas for Valentine's Day. And no thanks are necessary but you are welcome.



  • Edible anus chocolates. Yes nothing quite says "I love you" like your butthole molded from pure Belgian chocolate. I'm not sure your lady friend will think this is a good-ass gift but maybe it's worth a shot turning your turd cutter into candy. 
  • A one-way ticket to Dick City. Doesn't this sound nice? Plus you get a layover in Pound Town. Maybe when I was in my early 20s I would have thought this was funnier. All I know is if I presented this to Mrs. Shife I would be getting a one-way ticket to Divorce Village. Plus, if I took all the time and effort to make something like this I would certainly make sure the section was VIP not GA for General Admission. 
  • A twosie. For the couple that likes to shit each other's pants or perhaps they like to cuddle during the middle of a home invasion. If you ever see me even mention the fact that I would like to wear twosie, then I have been abducted by aliens and my mind is under their influence or I have simply drank myself stupid. 

  • A heart-shaped steak. Get her this and some crabs and you might have a layover in Pound Town. No not those crabs. The crabs you can be happy about like a surf and turf kind of deal. Actually I think steak and crabs would be a pretty good idea but a heart-shaped steak just doesn't look that appetizing to me. 

  • A Sophia the First Valentine's Day card. If you're are not familiar with Sophia then get your butt in gear. You're missing out one of Disney's most-popular cartoons. Your brain will thank me later and never forget the importance of grammar. It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're the shit. 
Kyle actually got this card at school today. It was made by Disney. I was just surprised that nobody caught the error. First kids think Kanye West discovered Paul McCartney and know multi-billion corporations can even make grammatically correct Valentine's Day cards. And the sentence is only 4 words long. 




Hope you and yours have a lovely Valentine's Day and a nice weekend as well. Talk to you later.



I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 


P.S. I just wanted to let Brandon know that I have written a screenplay but it's been buried in a pile of papers out in the garage since I graduated college about 15 years ago. Some day I will get back to it, and I do appreciate you asking about it. 

5 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Uh. What can I say?
Happy heart-shaped steak day?
Sure.
Happy Valentime Day?
Why not?

CrystalChick said...

I'll eat any kind of chocolate. So... I probably wouldn't notice or care about it's shape.

Happy day to you and yours.

We're going to a movie. NO, not that movie.

Valerie said...

I'm late so all I can say is 'hope you had a great Valentines Day'. Who cares what shape chocolate is as long as it's edible!

texlahoma said...

I opted for steak, though it wasn't heart shaped.
I almost went with a twosie, but was feeling a little gassy and could see that turning out poorly.
Happy Valentines day Mr. S.

Jon said...

With all that in mind, I'm glad to have married a woman who has no use for Valentine's Day. It's fun for the kids though.