Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I have done a lot of stupid things over my lifetime. Icy Hot on the balls, drinking way too much Jagermeister, spending money to watch Howard the Duck in the theater, paying homage to the Hoff on my blog for a whole week, hitchhiking to Canada, peeing into the wind, etc. And then there's this story I remembered recently that I'm going to share that will only reinforce why I call this blog, Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy.
So what act of stupidity did I do this time?
I punched myself in the eye over and over until I had a nice shiner while I was in college.
You read that correctly.
I deliberately hit myself in the face numerous times.
At this point of our conversation, I'm sure you have a few questions like:
What was I wearing?
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
Why do we scream at each other? And is this what it sounds like when doves cry?
And why for the love of fat bassets would I do this to myself?
Well a lot of alcohol was involved and it seemed like a really great idea at the time.
It also reminds me that I don't have too many good stories that start off with"I had way too many Diet Cokes and then … ."
It was a Sunday afternoon and someone thought we had so much fun drinking the night before that we should keep the party going.
Since I am a supportive and encouraging friend, I thought that the idea sounded wonderful.
It was wonderful until it dawned on me after I had entered the drunken kingdom that I had a test the following afternoon.
Unless the test featured multiple choice questions like, Why do you smell like alcohol? A) Because I'm a moron and drank all day Sunday. B) I enjoy soaking in Kamchatka vodka to alleviate my anal fissures. C) I was attacked by inebriated pirates who did steamrollers all over me until I begged for mercy but not until they got their drunken stench all over me. D) I run a moonshining operation on the weekends so I can afford my taxidermy lessons, then I was  not going to be prepared for the exam.
When I had my moment of clarity, I told my drinking buddies about my predicament and we all sat around for a few moments thinking deeply about what I could do to get out of my test. There were a few good ideas like sickness, death in the family, alien abduction, etc. then someone mentioned "shots" and just like that we were off to other adventures.
Some more time passed and the party was still going strong until I decided to bring it to a halt.
I punched myself in the eye.
One of my friends looked at me and said "WTF?" (He really didn't say WTF. He said what the fu … well you know. I was just trying to keep this sorta clean.)
I replied "Car accident."
He said "Nice."
And then I kept hitting myself until I got the right amount of discoloration around my eye.
Of course my friends volunteered to help me out but I politely declined their generous offers.
The night continued, the alcohol flowed, but the only shots I got the rest of the night were from me punching my stupid face.
To make a long story less long, I woke up the next day and saw that the fruits of my drunken labors were going to work perfectly so I went to my professor before my class to explain my situation. She bought the car accident story and I took the test the next day.
Of course, I failed it.
But the black eye got me some nice sympathy from the ladies and 20 years later it makes for a nice story on my blog.

And everyone laughed when I told them how dumb I was.

Take care and thanks for stopping by.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.


  1. Anonymous1/17/2014

    Hahaha that has to be the craziest thing I've heard in a long time. I would have never stopped laughing if I grew up in your neighborhood. (laughing at you or with you...hmmm) ;) Have a great one and for peeing in the wind...try to make the snow yellow instead of your jeans this weekend!

  2. Ah well. We all have done incredibly stupid and bizarre things and yet, here we are, persevering. Doing the best we can.
    Let it go.
    What are we having for lunch tomorrow?

  3. Hilarious anecdote, Matt. I've heard about people being drunk crazy but I never thought I'd come across someone who actually beat himself up. I'm still laughing. OMG life must have been hilarious with you around.

    Love the picture, by the way.

  4. I'm so glad you're married now, someone had to come along to keep you alive. Although the poor dear now has 3 children to tend to ;-)

  5. Thanks bedrock girl. You have a great weekend too. And nice to see you again in the bloggosphere.

  6. Thank you, Ms. Moon. I just wonder sometimes how I survived college. I must have had a few guardian angels looking after me.

  7. Yep not the sharpest tool in the box, Val, especially if I've had a few adult beverages. Glad you enjoyed the story and the picture. Take care.

  8. Too funny kden. I'm gal I'm married too because Mrs. Shife does make me want to be a better man so I don't do silly stuff like this anymore. And yes there are times when she feels like she's running a daycare center.

  9. That's desperation—and college for ya.::smh:: My sympathies to the missus (Hang in there girlfriend!)

  10. excellent story mr shife.

    kids are pretty good with computers these days. what are the chances kyle's reading this?

  11. Thanks Red, and thanks for stopping by. Always glad when you stop by.

  12. Thanks BP. The only thing Kyle is doing on the computer is playing Angry Birds, and he isn't quite reading yet. Just getting to know his sight words.

  13. You know, I don't think I have a story that could rival that one. It's times like these that you realize exactly why our parents never told us every story from their lives.

  14. This story and the one where you doused yourself in dirty mop water so no one knew you had a wet dream are both awesome. You seem like a take-one-for-the-team kind of guy. A good guy to have around.

  15. That is nuts. Wow. I'll give you high marks But isn't that what college is for? Make hilarious mistakes that you can tell others 20 years later.

  16. I think I might regret being so forthcoming with all my stories, Jon, especially when Kyle discovers this blog some day.

  17. Thanks Dr. Ken. I think sometimes I'm just too dumb to know any better.

  18. You are quite corret, Jay. Definitely did some stuff in college.

  19. You failed it?
    So much thought, effort and pain.
    Oh well, you probably learned more about life doing that than whatever was on the test. It wasn't a Psychology (The deviant mind) test was it?
    Just kidding, have a good one.

  20. I wasn't very productive academically that semester, texlahoma, but hey, I had a good time. And still paying for those good times with my student loans.


Post a Comment