Friday, June 10, 2011

My greatest no-comment post

It has been a trying week for this dumb, white guy so I chose not to bore you with my battle with depression but I instead I dug up an old blog post I wrote that got no comments but I feel it deserves another shot at fame. I posted this several years ago when I was still working in the corporate world and my world had not been graced with Kyle mania yet. Enjoy and have yourself a good weekend.

Pleated pants.
Let’s just say it is not a good idea to wear pleated pants around strange women.
Who knew a crisp blend of cotton and polyester could be so wicked?
Basically when you are sitting down in these dastardly trousers the groin area RISES to the occasion. It is like a pop-up book. And on page 12 Little Johnny sports wood.
No shit they are an easy-wearing, relaxed fit!!!! It looks like you just sprouted a frickin’ oak tree in your pants.
Who the heck tailored these pantaloons? Viagra?
I feel like an effin’ pervert every time I have a meeting. I look down and whammo, it is Erection Planet.

Losing my hearing.
Recently I took a road trip with Mrs. Shife. She was enjoying a book on tape on CD and I was watching a DVD. I guess I should mention that she was driving.
Anyway, since I am about 95% deaf in my left ear, she can change the stereo’s balance to the left side and listen to it as loud as she wants. I can hardly hear it since I am watching my movie with headphones on and did I mention that I am about 95% deaf in my left ear.
Fast forward about a week and I am in the car cruising home after work. I just downloaded some new music, and I am ready to rock out. So I turn on the radio, turn on the iPod, and I am ready to … Hey, what’s going on here? This sounds like crap. I can hear it but not real well. I crank up the stereo. I crank up the volume on the iPod. And I can hear it, but it still sounds like garbage. All I am thinking is that my hearing is getting worse. I am getting old. First the gray pubic hair (note: I only said hair, not hairs) and now the original surround sound is starting to suck even more.
Yep, about halfway home I realized that stereo balance was still all the way to the left, my deaf side, and that is why the music sounded like crapola.

Holy crap.
I actually plan a bowel movement during my day at work. I go in there, take care of business, and maybe do some light reading. It is good way to unwind and get some peace and quiet. Unless some other butt hole shows up to drop off a payload, and then I need to wrap things up. I just don’t like pooping next to someone if I can avoid it. My noises are fine, but listening to Crapper McGavin next to me is not high on my favorite activities list. The thought of dumping at the airport is almost nightmarish. OK, on with the story. I was busier than a bull’s behind during fly season at work yesterday. I had like a Kit Kat and a Diet Coke for lunch. So the previously scheduled poo was postponed. I head home and maybe my butt has been trained and is used to crapping at work because I felt no urge to go at home. I wake up late, and as I was rushing out of the house to get to work on time I felt the ache. The abdominal pain. Sweat beads forming on the forehead. The clenching of the cheeks to keep the levees from breaking. Oh the humanity. The turds were honking for the right of way. Can I crap in my cup holder and still drive the car? I race to work, run up the stairs, kick open the door to the bathroom, and as soon as my bare ass touched that seat it was like a fecal grenade went off. It was an explosion. Poo pandemonium. The water even splashed up and got my butt wet. It was horrible. So the moral of this story is I hope you don’t have a crappy day.


Here is a picture of the little man and his cousin as he was chauffeuring her around on the farm at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

15 comments:

Valerie said...

I've got to say it, Shifey. This post was a load of crap. Go on, giggle at my inane attempt at humour.

I have no idea what pleated pants look like... wish you'd included a picture. Before and after pics would have been very beneficial.

Finally, I like Kyle's new role as chauffeur... picture perfect!

Ms. Moon said...

This was a great post.
Now- as to the black dog- I hope he decides to quit dancing with you soon. Your son is gorgeous.

Ananda girl said...

Ha! I have always thought that pleated pants were ah... somewhat distracting when men were seated.

I always knew I was late to school when my dad was in the crapper. I guess that's why they call it being "regular".

That is such an adorable cousin photo! They look like a munchkin couple out for a drive in the new car. I love Kyle's hat and his cousin's too.

Ananda girl said...

Gee... I think I got it wrong again!
Try http://downsillyrabbitshole.blogspot.com

Sorry about that Shife! There's a reason they call me silly rabbit!

Red said...

Yeah pleated pants on dueds at work always creep me out a bit because you're right: it looks like a mini-Vesuvius is about to erupt. Bleah.
Work-based posts are awesome. I wish I had more time at the new gg to do so but my official title is CSA and Cat Herder Specialist.

billy pilgrim said...

i really hate it when crapper mcgavin shows up while i'll flossing and brushing.

when my kids were young i tied a rope to one of their cars and pulled them around the neighborhood for hours. it was great exercise and great p.r. with the neighbors.

Jon said...

I always thought I looked better in pleated pants, but now I'm afraid why.
It wasn't the easiest week for me either. I hope things get better for you.

texlahoma said...

I wore some shorts to Silver Dollar City that were fine while standing but a little long in the crotch while sitting, causing a rise of thin air. But I felt like a total perv when the people would check the safety bar. They probably thought I was a little TOO excited about the ride.

Megan said...

Here's to a better week this week. And 100% regularity.

Random Chick said...

I'm so glad you gave this post a second chance. Anything with crap in it is awesome in my book. Hang in there with the depression. I know what that is like and all you have to do is keep on putting one foot in front of the other. It will pass.

Kyle is too damn cute.

khan said...

"The turds were honking for the right of way."

everybody knows that feeling but until now no one has heard it put that exactly

radioactive girl said...

This whole post was hilarious!

Phats said...

ha! look at that you're getting lots of comments this time around. I am guessing I had not yet started reading your blog I don't remember this, but the stereo story is funny, and I learned something new about you!

Great picture

catscratch said...

I must have been wallowing in my own self pitty when this post had it's debut.

Kudos to the encore!! I dig it, especially the ackowledgements that business trousers can make a man appear to be a big perv :D

Cheers!

mrs. miss alaineus said...

i'm of working class origins. we refer to taking a crap at work when one is on the clock as 'cadillac time'...

be well!


xxmrsmissalaineusxx