Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Oh Canada

First off thanks to everyone for their support, advice, and all-around coolness last week. It was just one of those days and it actually got a little scarier. I found a lump where you don't want to find lumps, and had to get an ultrasound down there to make sure everything was OK. Fortunately everything was OK but quite frankly it did scare me a lot to hear the C word mentioned in the same sentence with "your testicle." Anyway everything is cool now so let's move on to something more entertaining ...

So I can't believe I have not talked about how Canada turned me down but I hope you enjoy it. For those of you here just to get your Baby Shife fix just scroll down to the bottom and you will find the little angel. Well a long time ago in a county far, far away, my fraternity brothers and I were enjoying - and I by enjoying I mean abusing - alcohol at a bar in Kellogg, Idaho. It was Labor Day weekend and we were there for a buddy's wedding. Closing time comes and I am not ready to call it a night. For some odd reason I felt a trip to Canada sounded like a reasonable plan of action at 2 in the morning. I heart Canada and it had been a long time since I had seen her so I needed me a little maple leaf fix. I asked those who were left standing if anyone was interested in making a trip to the land of hockey, maple syrup and peeler bars and surprisingly I only got one volunteer. Off we went.
Buddy - yes let's call him Buddy - and I hopped a fence and we were hitchhiking west on Interstate 90. And we got a ride rather quickly. A guy in a little pick up stopped for us about 5 minutes into our adventure. As we headed west the conversation got rolling and it turns out none of us were legal to drive. The driver did not have a license and Buddy and I were hammered. Oh and the driver might have been over the legal limit as well. Not the smartest thing I have ever done but neither was hitchhiking to Canada at 2 in the morning. We did make it to Coeur d' Alene and he drops us off. Did I mention our driver had a lot of beer in his truck and gave us some for the rest of our journey? So Buddy and I are cruising through one of the bigger cities in Idaho looking for another ride and chugging beers. Finally we get picked up again and start our way north and make it to Athol a few hours later. You will have to look up these towns if you really want to know where I was but this is a small podunk logging town with a lot of interesting characters. Buddy and I roll in just as there is a shift change at the logging mill so we get picked up right away by one of the I would think most interesting characters. It is about 5 in the morning and we are beyond wasted. We have hit the drinker's high. Kinda like a runner's high just with alcohol. But we get brought back down to Earth by our latest driver. The dude was straight up looney tunes. He decided to give us a ride all the way to Sandpoint and along the way he decided also to share with us his theories on how he was actually "The Last Starfighter." Yes, please take a moment to drink all that in. So The Last Starfighter tells us all about his adventures from outer space. Buddy and I are ready to bail because we don't know if we are going to get beamed up someplace not so friendly or if The Last Starfighter is just an overly friendly nutbar. So once we hit Sandpoint we start walking as fast as we can away from The Last Starfighter because we are both worried he is going to tear us another Black Hole. I could make this long story even longer but I will tighten it up. We had a friend in Sandpoint that we called and he came and got us. Buddy and I got a few hours of sleep then we headed further north to Canada but alas it was not meant to be as one of Canadian's finest security guards deemed us unruly to enter their fine and sacred land. Or it might have been because Buddy had been arrested in Canada before and failed to mention it to me before we hit the road. We did not get in. We were so close. I could smell the Canadian awesomeness. But my love for Canada was unrequited. I wiped a single tear away (maybe two) and we headed back to Kellogg. After all I went through to get to her I still can't believe Canada treated me that way. I still to this day only eat made in the USA Canadian bacon and refuse to have sex with Shania Twain just to let Canada now that I will never forget.


18 comments:

Ananda girl said...

Fantastic story Mr. Shife! Loved every word of it. I can't believe that you got to meet the real Last Star Fighter! Wow!

I am still laughing out loud. What an excellent adventure to borrow a phrase. BTW I am so glad you came back without a black hole. ;)

Oh, thanks for the baby fix too. Hugs to the boy! Oh heck... give you and wife one too.

Red said...

Hugs and kisses to Baby Shife. Sweet boy. Too bad so sad on your Canadian exodus. Next time perhaps.

Kori said...

I always liked to sat Athol; fun word all the way around. Though really, what is so great about Canada? Besides the great health care and better drugs, that is?

Rocky (Racquel) said...

Canucks' loss - Idaho's gain!

kissies to Baby Shife

Valerie said...

I only came by for my fix ... Oooo Baby Shife gets more gorgeous every time I see him. Still while I was here I thought I might as well read about your late night excursion to ... well ... nowhere. Gave me a giggle at the thought of you starting out drunk and at 2am to boot.

Jon said...

Those are stories you should print and pass on to your son, just hopefully not with the phrase, "See if you can you top this.." attached.

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Phats said...

Those silly Canadians! American Jr not letting you guys in. Good story, I have never hitch hiked anywhere

Glad to hear your scare was nothing serious that is never fun, hope all is well now

Megan said...

That was great.

billy pilgrim said...

you should have been wearing a bobby orr or wayne gretzky hockey jersey and had a stompin tom connors 8 track blasting away.

i was refused entry to your country a few times in my youth. not to mention being taken into a little room and asked a lot of strange questions.

i learned to play a johnny cash cassette when dealing with the border boys.

Leah said...

That's one hell of a road trip story, Shife. Most hilarious.

Crystal Posey said...

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOO

Red said...

"Better health care"...HA!

Limon Partido said...

The last starfighter? What the H&$#? seriously? That is hysterical. Baby Shife is looking as handsome as ever...maybe he will redeem you and he can go to Canada at 2am, drunk off his hiney when he is about 20 years old too...

Shitty Truth said...

Please don't take this out on ms twain... she's still very doable, canadien or not.

By the way this wasn't as bad as when I went to mexico, but then got rejected by the united states on the way back...

angel, jr. said...

Yay for some Baby Shife fixes!!

I think I'm going to have to boycott some Maple leaf products now too. I can't believe they didn't let you visit!! Plus the kids of South Park don't like Canada either!!

Cece said...

I don't really have anything witty to say tonight. But this was a great and funny story. Give Baby Shife a kiss goodnight for me!

texlahoma said...

That would make a pretty good movie or at least part of one.