Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I think Quincy my beloved and husky basset hound might work for the IRS. Evidently he didn’t think we paid enough in taxes so he thought it would be a good idea to visit the Pet ER last Friday at 4 in the morning. Everything turned out OK, but 6 doggie x-rays and other miscellaneous items are not cheap.
  • The fat basset has offered to help pay for some of the costs by selling bumper stickers. He thinks “Masturbation Kills Sperm” or “Sometimes When I am Alone I Google Myself” or “Sodomize Poverty” will be wicked bestsellers. If interested send him an e-mail: fat.basset@yahoo.com.
  • It is official now. Dane Cook's career is circling the drain. I really enjoyed his stand-up comedy. But now that he has decided to become a movie star I don't find him too funny. Never saw "Good Luck Chuck" but it looked atrocious. Now he has a new film coming out called "My Best Friend's Girl" and it looks pretty bad. He is stinking filthy rich so I am sure he doesn't care but it sucks when someone you like turns into a turd cutter.
  • Do you ever accidently eat funky charms for breakfast or is it just a Monday?
  • The best phrase I have heard in the past 72 hours: I am going to scale Mount Rushmore and dick slap Thomas Jefferson.
  • Rest in Peace Pat Tillman. 11/6/1976 -- 4/22/2004.
  • My birthday is this week. No big plans. I do have a birthday ritual that I started a few years ago. I will watch “The Big Lebowski.”
  • I am taking a two-week break from blogging. Why?
    A) I need to get that Dora the Explorer tattoo removed from my right butt cheek.
    B) The writers here at Confessions of Dumb, White Guy have gone on strike until Cher my second-favorite Canadian returns to my blog.
    C) My blog has been infested with a bad case of the crabs and it will take 14 days for the medicine to work. You might want to wash your hands.
    D) I just need to visit the mental health spa and get my stinkin’ mind right.
    E) All of the above.

So The Dude is not in for 336 hours. Bye for now.


  1. Anonymous4/21/2008

    Nice - take a siesta for me too :)

    The best thing I've heard in past 72 hours... "I have no sympathy...you can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis." thats just awesome...

  2. happy feckin birthday dude, test the wind before you open the coffee tin.

    and i hope no one pees on your carpet while quincy's taking some r&r from the security racket.

  3. We shall miss you, Shifey.

    -- P

  4. 2 weeks? from blogging? Can people actually do that? But whatever it is, good luck.

    Also I HATE Dane Cook. Like... for real. I really hate him. If I saw him in person I would spit upon his person. Argh!

    See ya in 2 weeks!!!

  5. Dane's suffering from a combination of using up all his good material, over-exposure, and crappy movie deals. Not exactly a winning combo. And I too used to really like him. Although I just watched a rerun of Conan the other day where he was on promoting Dan in Real Life (that was a good one) and he was actually pretty hilarious in that setting.

    Oh, and what a slacker you are, taking a break from blogging. Whatever...

  6. You never need an excuse to watch The Big Lebowski. Happy Birthday to you, and enjoy the show!

  7. Anonymous4/22/2008

    Happy Birthday! I hope the Basset is doing okay and working off the er vet bills!!! crazy.

    I'll miss you!

  8. Happy Birthday Mr. Shife! May all of your wishes come true. I still haven't seen Big Lebowski!

  9. Anonymous4/22/2008

    OMG! I LOVE that movie! Have fun, and Happy Birthday!

    We're gonna sacrifice Paris Hilton, right? To get rid of this blogging disease...Muwaha ha ha ha (evil laugh). If none of this makes sense, just read my response to your comment on my blog about the Monday Blahs...

    Don't be gone long, dude. I'll go through withdrawls and that could get ugly.

  10. Have a good vacation ... you know ... 2 weeks and all.


  11. I'm pretty sure it's the tattoo removal thing thing that you're gonna be doing, sorry but I hear Dora is hard to get off.

  12. Best thing I've heard in the past 72 hours, too....followed closely by tina up there.

    Happy B-Day and drink lots of beer.

    Hey, works for my blahs.

  13. "you got the wrong guy... i'm the dude!!!"

    have fun man, enjoy the fucking birthday....

  14. I'm gonna miss my dose of laughs for the next two weeks. By they way I plan to rip off you never say never post and do something similar over on my blog but don't worry I'll give credit where credit is due.

    And Happy Birthday, since you won't be around.

  15. Poor fat basset. Glad to hear Quincy is okay.

    Happy B-day. Still have beer for you.

    See you in less than 336 hours. :)

  16. Anonymous4/23/2008

    Okay, I know you are on "blog hiatus" and everything but swing by my blog when you get a chance, I'm having another Caption Contest...who knows? You might win this time!!!!

  17. Anonymous4/25/2008

    Okay, so the only way I can get through to you is to leave stupid messages on this post!!!

    I'm having a special party on my blog...please join us!!!!!!!!!!

  18. What a two week break? Oh come on, couldn't it just be one week? Give Fat Basset a hug for me, and Javie dog wants you to lick his....Oh you don't need to do what she wants, that would be gross. Anyway, Happy Birthday, and come back soon.

  19. Hope you had a great b-day!

    Have a fun and relaxing blog break!!!

  20. Happy Birthday too :)

  21. Alright buddy, happy birthday and take care of those crabs.

  22. i think i will go on strike from blogging until i return to my blog too.
    great idea.

  23. Happy Birthday and Happy No-Blogging. The book is on it's way...next week. Apparently it couldn't find the post office this week. Hey, I never said it was a neuro-surgeon.


    P.S. Our kitty had to be examined and have an x-ray. He freaked and had to be sedated too. The bill came to almost $500. I asked myself, "Why didn't I just become a f****** vet and save myself the money?" You have only one dog. We have a zillion kitties and one dog. I could have made a better career choice. In fact, our vet just did an extensive, one year remodel of the place: an addition, a huge fountain in the courtyard, a wonderful garden to sit and relax, a whole new parking lot and all new landscape. Every time I arrive I think "God, I paid for all of this?" But I go inside and every other client says the same thing. Go figure! Glad to see our money is being spent wisely.

    Wonderful to hear Quincy is okay.

  24. Happy b-day, Herr Shife.

  25. The dude abides... Have a good one Shife. Enjoy the blogger sabbatical. We all need it at some time or another.

  26. Hope you had an awesome birthday and one day I hope to visit Mount Rushmore to...ugh dick slap one of those carvings...hehehehe!


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