Never say never

I have been reflecting a lot lately on how I want to do more with my life. Well that line of thinking also led me down another path. A list of items I can undeniably declare to you on this fine Thursday evening that will never, ever happen in my lifetime.
I know never say never but trust me it is for the betterment of mankind that these things do not happen

• I will never star in an adult film titled “The Shifeman Cometh”
• I will never write a children’s book titled “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
• I will never write a weekly self-help online column called “I'm Okay, But You're Effin’ Nuts!”
• I will never troll for tranny hookers with Mrs. Shife trying to find the perfect one I should blow
• I will never see a doctor named Dick Rasch
• I will never release a country song titled “Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye”
• I will never get “I Do Amazing Things With Corn” tattooed on my back
• I will never see the word Lactomangulation in the dictionary. (Lactomangulation - Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
• I will never open a gay bar called “The Manhole.”
• I will never audition for The Roar in the Underpants Corps male dance team
• I will never master the sport of nude hang gliding
• I will never become a professional wiener mustache provider
• I will never take up the hobby of trying to find words that rhyme with orange or purple
• I will never use duct tape and a blow torch as a practical hair removal system

Have a great weekend you magnificent bloggers.


  1. I guess there is a chance I'll see you dancing wearing nothing but a sock at the Emerald Club.

  2. Jeasus Christ. Am I going to have to hold your hand? Am I going to have to come over there? Don't make me baby, you know how I drive (really, really good and with flowers and a camera to boot!).

    Okay, go over to our dear friend's blog. Page down to the "Award" post. Then page down to the comment intitled "Mr. Shife." There it is. That's your name honey, recognize it? Work with me brotha. Then tell me whacha think. It's a good book. You'll like it.

    I've also realized we all have to exchange phone numbers, not just emails and addresses. Just in case of emergency. Robyn's nowhere to be found and we're all in sort of a panic and I don't think any of us have her phone numbers. She's scaring the crap out of us and yup, that beautiful bouquet is still on the front porch. Trust me! I may have to go back down tomorrow and save the poor baby.

    Let me know if you want the book. It's a gift. I'll need your address. I'll email if you're interested. My only request is that when you're done, you share it with someone you think might need it.

    Thanks for the wonderful comment over at the cafe and also on my main blog. You're a gem. Why the hell did I lurk for so long? Was I nutty? And yes honey, I agree. Animals can do what ever the hell they want. They don't live a long life, so that's our philosphy!!!

    Now I have to read your post.


  3. Read your post. Amen. Said that on the previous post too. Somehow ended up there from here. That's too funny. No honey, I don't get better than this!

  4. Anonymous4/17/2008

    I don't even wanna know what a "professional weiner mustache provider" does...I'm just glad you are never going to do it.

  5. Do you love that gal or what?

  6. well this is an interesting list, and I am happy to say I would not do many of those either so we have that common.

    Yeah this comment sucked, but I got nothing I am freaking tired

  7. I daresay it's good that you never do any of the things listed here. But it's always good to make a definitive list, because you just never know.

    Although that country western song sounds like a gem. I'd buy the single.

  8. Well hell, I was counting on you to help me out by mastering those techniques mentioned in the last one.

  9. nice list but i'll leave the betterment of mankind to ratzinger.

  10. Knit - I give that about a 3% percent chance, but if Jager is involved it bumps up to 97%.

    Suzanne - I pulled it together long enough to find it. Well I am glad you don't get better than this because you are great just the way you are.

    RC - You are right you don't want to know. I can't even remember where I picked up that phrase.

    Phats - Well get some sleep. Sleep deprivation and blogging can be dangerous.

    Jillian - I needed that list because I got to have my standards. Just to let people know where I won't go. I would not be surprised if that was not a real country song.

    Travis - Sorry I could not get certified.

    BP - Yep the Catholic Church is spreading goodwill all across this land of ours. I am so moved I am whistling zippity doo-dah out my butt.

  11. Don't you love it? Just when you reply to all the comments some asshole comes along and gives another one. Now I know how to answer the kids when they ask me why I drink.

  12. It's always good to draw a line in the sand and not cross it.

  13. Anonymous4/19/2008

    Have a great weekend, Shife :) I'm going back outside to enjoy the beautiful weather - you are much further with the book than I am. I have only just begun :)

  14. That is a great "Don't do list".

    You will star in the "The Shifeman Cumeth"

  15. A similar children’s book has already been written, but it's titled “Mommy Drinks Because You Like Corn Better Than Me”.

  16. if i do see that movie in the adult section i will assume its not you then?

  17. The Manhole...hehehe! You're a genius

  18. • I will never write a children’s book titled “Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”

    So awesome.


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