Friday, February 01, 2013

The Vasectomy Monologues

Trust me I know I am making a bigger deal out of this than it is, and I am not looking for sympathy maybe just a little empathy. However, I am being honest about all of the thoughts that I have gone through my head this week so I am sharing them with you. So here they are:

Sunday: Mrs. Shife asked me if I asked my doctor how many snips he has given, and I said I didn't. He has been my doctor for years and has performed some minor surgeries on me so I just assumed he has a few neuters under his belt. I guess I will be concerned if he has "A Dummy's Guide to Vasectomies" out when he starts working on my plumbing. I would be even more concerned if this was his actual name.

Monday: Called my doctor with a few questions.
Can I drink the night before? Yes. So I will be able to give the boys - and by boys I do mean my sperm - a few toasts. They have had a good run. The gave me a few scares over the years but also gave me two of my very favorite things.
Do I need to shave? He said I didn't need to but it would not be a bad idea.
Should I go with the hasidic look? Shaved down the middle with long curls on the side?
Just get a little nervous when I do some manscaping with the clippers on the twins - and they are identical in case you were wondering - as I have nicked myself before and it was not what I would call a happier moment in my life.

Tuesday: A mild anxiety attack. Just thinking about how I am going to feel after getting fixed. Am I going to feel emasculated? Will I start watching Ricki Lake in the afternoon? Will I take a sudden interest in knitting? Will I write a sad county songs that contains the line "Lying here on the sofa with an icebag on my balls." I know it is completely nuts - wow really a poor choice of words there - and I know I will not be half the man I used to be. I will still be important just impotent. I am able to work my way through this anxiety episode and I have not starting popping Valium. Yet.

Wednesday AM: Realized Tank and I will now have another thing in common besides trying to hump Mrs. Shife's leg as we will both be shooting blanks. Also realized that I will be like a Christmas tree and just be sporting ornamental balls.

Wednesday PM: Also been thinking about skydiving a lot. What. The. Hell. Skydiving and a vasectomy are not exactly tag-team partners when it comes to forming thoughts. Well they are tonight in my mind. Let me explain. People who do not want to skydive say something to the effect "Why would I jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" and I keep thinking why do something to my penis when it works just fine. It also gives me an opportunity to work in two of my favorite quotes which happen to involve skydiving: "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." and "You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice."

Thursday: I was also told that jogging pants and a jockstrap were the most practical outfit to wear the day of the procedure according to a vasectomy website I visited to get some info. I also assumed that I should wear a shirt as well. So speaking of shirts, I thought this would be the most appropriate shirt to wear for tomorrow's big day. What do you think?



Friday: It is the big day. At 4:30 pm, the procedure begins, and everything after this last sentence will be about how things went for me and my boys. Talk to you soon.


Friday PM: Back home, and in bed with two bags of frozen peas on my crotch watching "Duck Dynasty." I am feeling happy, happy, happy. Everything went well. I read the new issue of "Entertainment Weekly" while the doctor was doing his business. I am going to be a little sore but it definitely was not that big of a deal. He just said to take it easy for 36 hours and that is my plan.
Hope your weekend is off to a good start. Take care.





I will persevere. I will be the stream. I will keep moving forward.

22 comments:

just bob said...

Hi Shife.

Mr. Shife said...

Hi Just Bob.

kden said...

Well now that we've got the introductions out of the way.....ha. Glad you're feeling good enough to post a post-snipping sentence. Just don't go jogging for awhile.

Jon said...

I read through the whole thing, and my recurring thought was, "Ricki Lake still has a show?". Well, at least I know I'll never see you on Maury now. I do hope you wore the t-shirt though.

Ms. Moon said...

We have been watching Duck Dynasty too! However, there are no bags of peas on anyone's crotchular area at the Moon house tonight. I am grateful for that. And also, that your surgery went well.
Believe me, you will still be a man.

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks kden, Jon, and Ms. Moon.
No jogging for a little bit for sure. Yep Ricki is back as I saw her show while I was running on the treadmill at the gym. I was surprised too. Didn't wear the shirt but I did give it a long, long consideration. I don't know why Duck Dynasty cracks me up but it does. Glad all is well at the Moon house, and I look forward to feeling manly soon. I think it will help when these peas are no longer needed.

Valerie said...

I'm thankful you got through it okay and that the procedure wasn't too bad. Can't think why you didn't wear that shirt. Hope the soreness wears off pretty soon. Did I tell you I think you're a brave man?

Mr. Shife said...

Hi Val. I am glad I made it OK too. I don't think I am brave. Just being responsible, and also would like to maintain my sanity. I think if we had 1 more kid I would go a little crazy.

Red said...

L-M-eff-A-O...::smh:: You're a piece of work Shife. Congrats on a successful "taming of the swimmers".It's okay to give them abreak already. They already won the gold twice by giving you Shife 1 and Shife 2. You did good ;-)

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks Red. I am glad you enjoyed it. I think I have done good too with Shife 1 and Shife 2. Have a good one.

billy pilgrim said...

here's a toast to your courage and selflessness!

can you still listen to ac dc's big balls without getting misty eyed?

Mr. Shife said...

The Shife abides. I will drink to that, BP. I think it is going to a little while before I will not need a tissue when listening to "Big Balls" but I will get there someday.

Don't unplug your hub. said...

When I had the snip I came home on my bicycle. Mind you when I say snip I had only been to the barbershop.
Do you ride a bike?
Seriously though I am full of admiration.

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks John. I would have preferred the snip at the barbershop but all in all I am doing fine. Pretty sure I will never look at a frozen bag of peas the same way ever.

texlahoma said...

"Lying here on the sofa with an icebag on my balls."

"The answering machine is playing back all of my calls."

"Pick up, pick up, don't get them snipped back!"

"I did some checking, that doctors a quack."

"As usual, you're a little too late, I done got them chopped, I done sealed my fate."

"So now I'm lying here on the sofa with an icebag on my balls."

"Wishing I hadn't played back my calls."

Mr. Shife said...

That is aweseome, texlahoma.
I think we need to get this vasectomy anthem to Toby Keith.

Jay Noel said...

Did you actually wear that shirt, though? LOL.

Waiting for your follow up, follow up post.

I'm not feeling so scared for myself, yet. Pretty sure I'll go through similar stages of panic.

Mr. Shife said...

Nope Jay. I just thought it would be a great shirt to wear. I only break out that guy for really special occasions like weddings. Working on the follow up, follow up for this week's update. Hope all is well after your big move.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Where did you find Dr. Richard Chop? I laughed my ass off. Ice your junk with a couple of cold beers. You deserve it.

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks Dr. Ken. You are a good man.

Mr. Shife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Harold Judelman said...

Your story is hilarious, Mr. Shife! It’s great to know everything went well with your procedure. Yes, it was probably uneasy to move around for few days or weeks after the operation, but I trust you managed well. How are you doing?

Harold Judelman @ Vasectomy Sydney