Friday, February 08, 2013

The Vasectomy Epilogues

Warning: There is a 100 percent chance that this blog update will have too much information (TMI) for some of you and for that I do apologize in advance, but I have had my balls on the brain - just figuratively smart asses - for the past 2 weeks. Plus I thought you might like an update on how things are progressing for me below the belt.

Saturday AM: Woke up sore but I was keeping fresh ice on the boys faster than a Zamboni driver on a Red Bull binge so I was not feeling too shabby. The worst part was waking up with morning wood. Oh hell no are you kidding me  - and yes I sometimes my inner dialogue voice talks like a middle-aged black woman - was my first thought. The last thing my crotch needed was a boner but I got one, and it was just as unwanted as the one I got in 6th grade when Ms. Thuner called me up to the chalk board to work on a math problem.  

Saturday PM: Talking to one of my friends on the phone and had my first-ever conversation that involved the words surgical smoke plumes. I just told him that it is was not comforting looking down at my crotch and seeing smoke billowing in the air. I was like WTF is going on down there. This would be a real bad time to find out that I actually authorized my doctor to give me a weenie roast. 
He was actually cauterizing parts of my plumbing so my swimmers would be ineffective and as a result of the cauterizing there were surgical smoke plumes. You find out all kinds of interesting stuff doing vasectomy research on the Google machine.

Sunday: Mrs. Shife and the kids went to a Super Bowl party but I just chilled at home with my frozen bags of peas. Oh. Don't be sad for me. Wipe away those tears. I enjoyed a few of my favorite things in life like deep dish pizza, BBQ ribs and amber ales while the family was away so it was OK. BTW, the boys look horrible. Like they got ran over by a car. Just looking lifeless and sore. No definition to them at all. It looks like I have one giant, flat ball. 

Monday: I am back at work being a stay-at-home dad, and by the end of the evening I am pretty sore. This is by far the most painful day, and I guess it was because I was being more active after three days of doing nothing in bed.  It is also a little weird seeing my testicles all bruised up. Don't worry I will not share a picture. Definitely too much TMI for the eyeballs. 

Tuesday: OK this is not cool. I have had blue balls, but never black balls. Note to self: It is not a good idea to do a Google image search for black balls because you get exactly what you think you are going to get. I know more TMI but my dudes are frickin' black. There is a slight tint of blue and purple but those fellas are really, really black. And just to help paint a little more vivid of a picture for you, below is one of the worst bruises I ever had. I got hit with a line drive playing softball. The bruise I am currently sporting makes this look like a paper cut.


I was also a little nervous dropping Kyle off at pre-school today because a majority of those kids are at crotch level and they are always flailing around like fish out of water. Plus, they get a little wound up and excited before school starts. As soon as the school door opens, it is like they get a hit of pure, uncut Columbian sugar and it starts coursing through their little bodies immediately. So I was little defensive and moved slowly and cautiously through the wild child zone ready to deliver a quick karate chop to their little noggins if they came anywhere near my crotch.


Wednesday: Still sore and had a hard time watching the World Cup qualifying matches today as there was a lot of talk about balls. He kicked the ball. He stopped the ball. He headed the ball. All this ball talk and my ball looks like a black cherry on steroids.
Another downside to my vasectomy recovery is that I can't take a painkiller. I have an allergic reaction to them which usually involves me hugging the toilet and heaving my guts out. I decided back in college that swollen nuts and puking were not a good combination so I am only able to take super ibuprofen. They are helping a little bit but not enough to make me forget that my groin looks like it got worked over by a midget with fists of fury. 

Thursday:  I feel like I am walking around like I have a small piece of furniture wedged up my ass or me and my horse Hoss just finished a 2-week cattle drive. Just waddling around trying to get through the day and keep up with Kyle, Hayden and Tank. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I have either turned into a giant wuss with no tolerance for pain or there is something else going on down there. It just doesn't seem OK that I am still grimacing when I try to tie my shoe or have to roll out of bed. 

Friday: I had my vasectomy follow-up today and it is never an inspiring moment when the doctor examines you and says "Well that doesn't look good." I have a scrotal hematoma, and you definitely do not want to do an image search on that term. Yay! I got to go immediately to the hospital so they could relieve the pressure because it was basically a blood clot in my scrotum. I got to the hospital, had an ultrasound on my hematoma, and then the doctor said "Well if it was my testicle, I would not do anything." I figured since the doc had grown so fond of my testicle I would follow his advice. He said the draining the testicle would cause a lot more pain and the amount of fluid that he would take out would not be worth it in his opinion. He said just go commando for a few weeks and my body should take care of it. No undies for this guy, and I already feel way better since I don't have my boys all bunched up in those banana hammocks. The day started out not so swell - again a real poor choice of words - but now I know why I was still in a lot of pain and I got to tuck my panties in my back pocket as I left the hospital. I call that a pretty good day.





Enjoy your weekend. 






I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

26 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I will not even tell you what happened to my husband after his vasectomy but it did not involve a hematoma and he is alive and well and still has his manhood. Persevere, man. You will survive.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

I got bruised testicles when I was playing basketball, went up for a block and landed on a guy's shoulder. Those nuts were purple, then yellow as the started to heal, and I was worried I would lose one of them.

But black balls? Come on! Your wife owes you big. Not to be gross, but Mrs shife needs to hum those boys back to health.

silly rabbit said...

Oh dear! I had way less trouble getting my tubes tied, even though they say that is a "major surgery" and vasectomy is minor.
I certainly call what you suffered "major". That would have scared me silly to see the guys turn black.
I am glad to hear that you are on the mend, Shife.
Please forgive me for laughing all the way through this. Love the pic above... just love it! Get better quickly.

Jon said...

Oh my. I'm really hoping that things will turn out okay for you on this.
I promise you I will not search any of the terms you mentioned. Feel better!

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks Ms. Moon. I don't think I need to hear any more vasectomy horror stories.
I will pass along the message, Dr. Ken, and of course I will tell her that you are a doctor. Glad you didn't lose a nut.
You are most certainly forgiven, silly rabbit. I write to entertain and I am glad you were. I will do my best to get better.
Thanks Jon, and trust me on the searching. You do not need to see those things.

kden said...

Shife, I don't know if it's your intent to make me laugh so hard I cry every Friday but you do and I thank you. It makes a bad week so much better. I'm just sorry that it's at the expense of your boys.

billy pilgrim said...

scheduling the procedure for february 29 is looking like it might have been the prudent choice.

you have my utmost admiration for dealing with this with your usual humor and good spirits. i'm sure you'll warn kyle about the risks should he ever consider this option.

Mr. Shife said...

Not my intent, kden, but I am glad to make the end of your week a little better even if it is at my own expense. I am just on a journey and I just figure I better enjoy the ride with a little humor otherwise I am going to be one miserable dude.
I should have taken your advice BP. Mrs. Shife keeps asking me if I need anything and I keep telling her a time machine. I will always seek your counsel when I have to make important life choices in the future.

Valerie said...

World Cup qualifying matches... gave me a smile, Matt. Other than that I felt like weeping for you. What an ordeal. I had no idea so much was involved. Take care... heehee I'm sure you will!

Design Goddess said...

I remember that picture of your leg after being hit with a softball. And that's now a paper cut?! ouch! Hope it gets better for you and soon! :)

texlahoma said...

Man, it's too bad you can't take good pain pills, that's always like a consolation prize to me when I hurt myself or have an operation.

I bet you were glad the doc decided not to do anything, I would be. Well, have fun free-balling!

Nikkeya said...

Omg this is hilarious I laughed the whole time... I like how you state.." and yes I sometimes my inner dialogue voice talks like a middle-aged black woman - " hahahaha mines british...or new yorker... depends on my mood! Hope ur huevos feel better :)

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks Val. I am hanging in there.
Appreciate it, DG. I hope to be talking about something else besides my testicles next week.
I was very relieved, texlahoma. I figured I had enough poking and prodding going on down there to last me a lifetime. I do wish I could take a pain killer or two because it would certainly help but I just can't take the chance of getting sick because that is the last thing I want right now.
Hi Nikkeya. I am glad you enjoyed the story. My mood definitely dictates my inner voice as well. Hope my huevos feel better soon too.

Red said...

Sorry about your balls Shife :-P

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks Red. My balls and I appreciate it.

Red said...

No they don't. They are cursing you every step of the way. They are the opposite of "appreciative". Tsk-tsk.

Mr. Shife said...

You are right, Red. I was just trying to make myself feel better. Guess I will have to start drinking tonight for that to happen. =)

Red said...

Can I recommend a few alcoholic diversions to compliment your current state? Perhaps a Blue Ball cocktail or a Bocce Ball? Or a pineapple black sourball cocktail? a highball perhaps? No? Guess it's just going to have to be a cold beer bottle resting down low while hoisting one (or two) up high. Got you linked on my daily forecast at Corndog. Good luck.

Red said...

At least you've got a decent Pirate name now: "Black Ball" or even, "Purple Peg", Or "Ole Blank Shot". Thank me later ;-)

Mr. Shife said...

Funny stuff, Red. Thank you for the chuckles. I actually tried a new beer last weekend called Nut Brown Ale. It wasn't bad. I like the pirate idea but I think I am just going to try my hand as an stunt man and change my name to Dick Hertz.

just bob said...

How hot was Ms. Thuner?

Mr. Shife said...

At my advanced age Just Bob my memory is failing me on her hotness, but I do know she was my first crush. My dad used to tease me all the time because he knew I was hot for teacher.

Red said...

And we have a winner!---> "Dick Hertz"

Red said...

Or dare I say, 'weiner'. Ok, ok, I'm done. DONE.

Mr. Shife said...

Weiner! Nice.

Timothy Burke said...

It does get pretty harrowing sometimes, what with previously unfamiliar treatments entering a body system for the first time. They key, though, is to press on and insist, while cauterizing the sutures and wounds left by the procedures. Thanks for sharing that! Kudos!

Timothy Burke @ Sydney Vasectomy Services