Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Well folks this will probably be my last significant post for a little bit. Mrs. Shife and I went to the baby doctor today and he expects her to be having that baby any day now. Our due date is Friday so the next time you hear from me it will probably be news about Baby Shifley.
  • I am turning into George Constanza. My worlds are colliding. I posted this on Facebook but I need to share here as well. Anyway if you see a really, really filthy car you should write "I wish my wife was this dirty" on it.
  • Did you hear about the short fortune-teller who escaped from prison? He is a small medium at large.
  • How are your brackets looking? I know a certain person named Phats that has to be extremely happy about his teams.
  • I found out what my superhero power was the other day. Apparently I can render the automated phone systems that companies set up for technical support useless. I called DirecTV the other day because I was having some technical problems. The automated voice asked me to describe my problem, and I did several times, and the automated voice would reply "I'm sorry but I don't understand" or something to that effect. I guess I am "Nell." So instead of screaming into the phone one more time I said "I want to do it doggie style with Condelezza Rice" and I was magically transferred to technical support with an actual person on the other line.
  • I saw "The Watchmen" or "Attack of Schlong Smurf." Didn't really care for it.
  • I saw "I Love You, Man." I really liked it.
  • I was thinking of taking up juggling, but then I realized I just don't have the balls for it.
  • I don't know if anyone else watches "Intervention" but last night's episode was the first one where I cared so little for the person getting the intervention. The lady tried to drown her dog in the toilet. Sorry but that is messed up.
  • Speaking of TV, "24" has rebounded this year. It is still a little predictable sometimes but for the most part it is awesome.
  • Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Well that is all for now folks. I will post some news as soon as I hear something. Until then take care, and remember today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.


Booya said…
Man, I just... You know... Man... I, I, I, ... Hell, I don't know.
just bob said…
Best of luck on the Baby Shifely front. I've still got 14 of 16 in my brackets, but I will need some upsets to move ahead of the pack. My superhero power is repelling the female population, so the whole automated phone system thing is wicked cool in my opinion.

Have a great rest of Tuesday.
Anonymous said…
When Baby Shifley arrives try not to do what I did. My wife sent me out for a baby monitor but I couldn't find one so I came back with an iguana instead. I wondered why she wanted to get such a small child a pet.

All my best.
Ms. Moon said…
I can't wait to hear all about Baby Shife. Glorious news, that will be.
Suzanne said…
Bob beat me here, but I'm about to change Mercedes spark plugs. Frankly, I don't think Bob can do that!!! Nor you!!! Hell, I'm not even sure I can!!! Okay, so I'm #1! Booya's gonna have to adjust.

Oh sweetie, I'll tell you the truth, I'm so nervous for you and Mrs. Shife. Honestly. It's as if you're family and when you said "Friday," I nearly went into panic mode: Do we have enough diapers? Are we in the "quiet zone? How's the dog? I assume Mrs. Shife will breast feed, so do you have the swanky pillow? Is the freezer full? Are friends making meals? Are you close to a super market?! Are friends and family staying to help the first few weeks? Please say yes to all so I won't worry. NO! I'm not kidding.

I secretely hope you have a girl. Why? Because the way boys are circumcised in the Jewish faith just kills me! NO! I'm not kidding.

I love you darling. I wish you, Mrs. Shife, Baby Shife and Wee Shife all the best. You're going to be great parents and I can hardly wait to see what life reveals in the next year.

With so much love,
Jon said…
We'll be thinking of you two over the next few days, and don't worry...you'll do great!
Mr. Shife said…
Booya - I completely understand.

Just Bob - Good work on your brackets, and as long as UNC doesn't get upset then you can have all you want. With your superhero power and mine I think we can probably be a formidable duo.

Michael - I laughed at your story. Very funny, and thank you for the advice.
Mr. Shife said…
Ms. Moon - I can't wait to meet the little one and spread the news.

Jon - Thanks Jon. I appreciate the kind thoughts and support.
Megan said…
Wow, Friday is pretty soon. Yay, more Shifes in the world!

(Wait. What the hell am I saying???)

Cheers and best wishes from L.A. And I might try that method with Time Warner Cable. But not with Condi. Gotta think on that one...

Mr. Shife said…
Suzanne - You get a comment all to yourself. Hope the spark plug change went well, and you are right I can't even think about doing that.
And to answer your questions we are as ready as we can be. Sarah's parents are coming down this weekend, and we have family in town to help out. Our neighbors and friends are all ready to lend a helping hand as well.
We got all the stuff and the fridge is packed so we just need Wee Shife to get the party started.
And I secretly think we are having a girl as well.
Thanks for everything and much love to you and yours.
Mr. Shife said…
Hi Megan. Thanks for the warm wishes and I would recommend someone other than Condi for you as well.
Leah said…
Best to you and your whole impending family!!!
kylie said…
when your wife is in agonising labour dont take it personal when she says its all your fault.
and dont let her go home when she says shes packing her bag!!

all the best
billy pilgrim said…
best of luck on the coming birth of baby shifley.

march madness, babies and direct tv.

you may want to pinch yourself, life is seldom this good.
Limon Partido said…
I can't wait to hear the news on the baby front... I love the dirty car comment but the Condi comment getting you right to a LIVE person.. that is truly funny....
Keep us posted on the baby and can't wait to meet the little one and hear your stories about Baby Shifely...
Suzanne said…
Just checking in because Thursday's the new Friday, just like 50's the new 30. Right?

You're a darling and thanks for the comment. I stopped by yesterday and wrote, but a kitty "accidently" erased it. I'm sick so didn't have the energy to try again. I'm still sick, but what the hell, I'll give it a shot.

First: I'm so happy you're surrounded with help, love and food. That's a good start. Just make sure no one leaves after two weeks. Even if you have to bolt the door.

Second: The spark plug change didn't go well and here's why. I was so sick yesterday I had difficulty getting to the park and back. I called Rob and said "YOU DO IT!" So he's going the Mercedes shop Friday (probably while your wife is in labor) to have them replaced. Also, he sorta forbid me to replace them, as if the car is made of gold or something. I replied "Hey, it ain't that special buddy, it still runs on spark plugs!"

I talked to my father last night and as sick as I was said, "Dad, where the hell are spark plugs on a Mercedes?" He had me lift the hood and sure enough, there they were on the lefthand side all lined up like soldiers. I said "Dad, can I do this?" He said "Yup," and walked me through the process. Not hard. Next time they need to be changed I'm going to do it. Of course without alerting Rob!!! Oh, and just so you know, I'm going to do it wearing pink!

I love you darling and hope within the next 48-72 hours you welcome a beautiful bundle of joy. We're all so happy for you, Sarah and Mr. B. Have a safe journey "Baby Shife."

With much love from our home to yours,
"The California Crew"
Ananda girl said…
Oh Mr. Shife, your posts always crack me up! Be extra good to the Mrs. and have fun. You are in for the biggest high of your life, bud. Enjoy! Will be sending positive thoughts to you all. Can't wait to hear about it.
Phats said…
Excited for you and the mrs! That will be one cool baby with the name of Phats

Thanks for the shout out, we had no offense tonight, but a great springboard for next season, thanks for the Boiler Up wishes today
just bob said…
Phats Shife is a cool name.
Cece said…
Well, I think tomorrow is the Due Date! Good Luck, Baby Shife.
Let us know when mini-Shife arrives!
Suzanne said…
Well? It's Friday. Apparently I'm the only one here. So what's cookin'?
Suzanne said…
I never realized waiting for "our" baby would be so agonizing.


P.S. Mrs. Shife. Come one honey, buck up.
Mr. Shife said…
Quick update for everyone. It is almost 11:15 and Mrs. Shife is still at home. So it looks we are not having the baby on the due date.
TOPolk said…
I came in to check to see if Mini-Shifey was here yet, but it looks like the little one is still hanging out a little while longer. Wish ya'll all the best bro.

"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." - I laughed pretty hard at that.
Suzanne said…
Just checking in to make sure you're still at home. Hope Mrs. S. is feeling okay.
Tina said…
funny..my friend is teaching me to juggle. i have his 3 balls in my bookbag hehe....seriously!
Essentially Me said…
Congratulations on the birth of your son!! (just saw the youtube vid)
dmarks said…
"Apparently I can render the automated phone systems that companies set up for technical support use"

This is not a rare power, unfortunately. It seems to be shared by just about everyone who sets up and administers these phone systems. which are mind-numbingly slow, are set up so the most needed option is last (if it is there at all) and they love to drop your call.

Tina: I had a friend who juggles. He also sang "Bouncing Potatoes" all the time. So when I see juggling, I get that awful song in my head.