Who Ordered The Poo-Poo Platter?

"My memory isn't as good as it used to be but I would remember if I shared my poop with you."
How's that for a quote?
Well, that's a sentence that I never thought I would speak to another human being.
But I did and here's how it happened.

I was looking over a bill I got from my doctor and noticed a line item that made me think to myself: "Hmmm. Methinks crestfallen is an excellent word. Don't forget about shuttlecocks. Yep, that is a good one too. Hello? What are you doing? Oh yeah, I think they made mistake with my bill."


I am not a smart man but that looks like I got charged for blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations.
I am not exactly sure what blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations is but if I have to take a dumb, white guy guess then I think they wanted to know if I had red liquid that circulates in the arteries and veins of humans and other vertebrate animals in my doo-doo.
I mean that is certainly something I would like to know but I didn't have that test done.
The doctor did give me a kit to take home so I could send back a sample, but the kit just rode shotgun with me for about a month then it ended up in the garbage can.
I gave the physician's billing department a call to discuss the matter.
I asked her about the charge.
She told me what it was.
I told her that I didn't do this.
She asked me why because she had to give the doctor a reason why I was disputing the charge.
And I thought about that first sentence that I wrote in this blog post.
I thought this is going to go over as funny or it's going to break bad.
Then I thought let's do it.
So I told her the reason why I was sure I didn't have that test done was because: "My memory isn't as good as it used to be but I would remember if I shared my poop with you."
A moment of silence.
Oh for the love of fat bassets fecal matter, this is breaking bad I thought to myself.
Then she laughed.
She said she will pass it along to the doctor's office.
I guess shit happens.
I just don't want to pay for it.




Have a good weekend. Thanks for stopping by.




I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.







Comments

  1. You know, they've probably been getting away with this and expected people to be too timid to dispute the charges. I would consider that a victory. Of course, that is the little conspiracy theorist in me talking.

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  2. You're one hot mess Shife.

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  3. Hilarious! I hope the doctor has a sense of humour so she could pass that one on to him and provide a bright spot in his day :)

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  4. I had those shitty wipes but never done them. Just passing paper shit down the road.
    Coffee is on

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  5. OMG, Matt, you are one hilarious man. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but it's the way you tell 'em that gets me. Hope the bill was rectified.

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  6. gosh, $39 seems very reasonable for blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations.

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  7. That's one for the books Matt! So they give you the kit and just assume you're going to use it and then assume you're going to pay for it too :) Too much assuming going on there.

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  8. A worker in a physician's billing dept. with a sense of humor.
    That can make one's day.

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