Friday, May 19, 2017

Who Ordered The Poo-Poo Platter?

"My memory isn't as good as it used to be but I would remember if I shared my poop with you."
How's that for a quote?
Well, that's a sentence that I never thought I would speak to another human being.
But I did and here's how it happened.

I was looking over a bill I got from my doctor and noticed a line item that made me think to myself: "Hmmm. Methinks crestfallen is an excellent word. Don't forget about shuttlecocks. Yep, that is a good one too. Hello? What are you doing? Oh yeah, I think they made mistake with my bill."


I am not a smart man but that looks like I got charged for blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations.
I am not exactly sure what blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations is but if I have to take a dumb, white guy guess then I think they wanted to know if I had red liquid that circulates in the arteries and veins of humans and other vertebrate animals in my doo-doo.
I mean that is certainly something I would like to know but I didn't have that test done.
The doctor did give me a kit to take home so I could send back a sample, but the kit just rode shotgun with me for about a month then it ended up in the garbage can.
I gave the physician's billing department a call to discuss the matter.
I asked her about the charge.
She told me what it was.
I told her that I didn't do this.
She asked me why because she had to give the doctor a reason why I was disputing the charge.
And I thought about that first sentence that I wrote in this blog post.
I thought this is going to go over as funny or it's going to break bad.
Then I thought let's do it.
So I told her the reason why I was sure I didn't have that test done was because: "My memory isn't as good as it used to be but I would remember if I shared my poop with you."
A moment of silence.
Oh for the love of fat bassets fecal matter, this is breaking bad I thought to myself.
Then she laughed.
She said she will pass it along to the doctor's office.
I guess shit happens.
I just don't want to pay for it.




Have a good weekend. Thanks for stopping by.




I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.







9 comments:

the dogs' mother said...

ak!!! :-) lol

Jon said...

You know, they've probably been getting away with this and expected people to be too timid to dispute the charges. I would consider that a victory. Of course, that is the little conspiracy theorist in me talking.

Red said...

You're one hot mess Shife.

jenny_o said...

Hilarious! I hope the doctor has a sense of humour so she could pass that one on to him and provide a bright spot in his day :)

peppylady (Dora) said...

I had those shitty wipes but never done them. Just passing paper shit down the road.
Coffee is on

Valerie said...

OMG, Matt, you are one hilarious man. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but it's the way you tell 'em that gets me. Hope the bill was rectified.

billy pilgrim said...

gosh, $39 seems very reasonable for blood occult by fecal hemoglobin determination by immunoassay qualitative 1 to 3 simultaneous determinations.

kden said...

That's one for the books Matt! So they give you the kit and just assume you're going to use it and then assume you're going to pay for it too :) Too much assuming going on there.

Belva said...

A worker in a physician's billing dept. with a sense of humor.
That can make one's day.