4/26/23


Another question answered today and this one is from Debra She Who Seeks.
Debra is relatively new to the DWG universe but in the short time that we have corresponded, I have found her to be delightful and she appears to have a similar type of humor as me. She is also from Canada and I love the Great White North except for the goose. You can keep the goose. 

Her question was: here are three based on your blog title -- (1) what's the dumbest thing you ever did? (2) what's the whitest thing you ever did? and (3) what's the most guy thing you ever did?

With much trepidation, I am going to answer this. I shared this information back in 2013 and I never thought I would have to revisit the post but this one incident covers all three questions. So here we go: 

I have never spoken about her – and after reading about her – you might think I should have left her buried in the past with some other antics that I have not shared with all of you wonderful people that visit Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy.
Her name was Mrs. Epsteen and she has left an unsavory impression on more than a few people in the small number of years that she was out and about.
Here is a picture of the infamous Mrs. Epsteen (if you want to see the photo then click on the link but my kids read my blog occasionally so I don't want to scare them if they pull this one up) showing off her hardbody in the glorious waters of the Pacific Ocean with one of her admirers



I know what you are thinking, "Hey, there are only 242 shopping days until Christmas."
And you are correct.
You might have also thought, "Hey that is not Mr. Shife."
And you are correct, again.
Well, we ran into some unexpected money so we paid some fancy celebrities to do some modeling for us. This is Ashton Kutcher and Ellen DeGeneres doing a terrible reenactment of my Pacific Ocean photo. 
Unfortunately, we didn't have enough money for special effects to make it look like they were in the ocean
And the story continues: 

Yes, you are quite sharp if you noticed that the guy wearing what could be mistaken for a dark brown Speedo looks a lot like me because that is me, and that is me being Mrs. Epsteen.

If you are familiar with the movie The Silence of The Lambs then hopefully you remember the scene in which the serial killer – Buffalo Bill – does a little dance after he tucks his junk between his legs so he looks like he's a woman. Well, I decided to occasionally incorporate this dance into my drunken adventures during my collegiate years and eventually, she became known as Mrs. Epsteen. I wish I could tell you what inspired the name or why she happened to be married or why the heck I would even do this in front of friends and strangers but I can't because I don't remember. The only thing I can tell you with the utmost certainty is that when I decided to transform into Mrs. Epsteen there was a tree stump in the Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than yours truly.

She only appeared occasionally and usually late, late in the evening when I am sure my blood alcohol content resembled a horrible grade point average. Someone would talk me into it. And by someone I mean me. Then the next thing you know there are people running in the other direction as quickly as possible and looking as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar as they could not quite comprehend what they just saw. I am sure there were a lot of WTFs?!?! uttered and then a search for the nearest eye-wash station. Eventually, sober judgment and common sense prevailed so Mrs. Epsteen was retired. Turns out looking like an inebriated, moronic eunuch with superfluous fur was not a great way to make a first impression on anyone.

Mrs. Epsteen also appeared before the Internet was the Internet as we know it today so thank the fat bassets that there is not too much evidence of me being her out there. I do know there are a few pictures of Mrs. Epsteen tucked away - an extremely poor choice of words - so I have to be a nice guy for the rest of my days or another photo of her might surface and we certainly do not need that.

And, that folks, is a really dumb, white guy thing that I did.

If you made it this far, thank you, and, if you didn't, I understand.
Take care and I will talk to you tomorrow.

I will persevere.
I will keep moving forward.
I will be the stream.

Comments

  1. There are just some things that can't be unseen.

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  2. Some things are better done before the internet was born!

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    Replies
    1. So glad that I was part of that era, kden.

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  3. Thanks for answering my impertinent question(s), but let me put your mind to rest. There's no need for shame about Mrs Epsteen and her antics! Clearly, you hang around with too many straight people. In the gay drag community, tucking is a valued and valuable skill which shocks no one. Mrs Epsteen would be a star in our community, a STAR!

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    1. You are quite welcome, Debra. Good to know there is a safe space for Mrs. E if she ever feels the need to be a star.

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  4. I am glad Mrs. Epsteen retired ... she HAS retired, right?

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    1. She's buried in the desert somewhere, Bob.

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  5. Hilarious! I think our college/drinking antics would be fodder for a whole separate blog.

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    1. I can't wait until you start sharing, Margaret.

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  6. I don't think I could top that.

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    1. I am setting the bar any higher. Mission accomplished as far as I am concerned.

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    2. Oh my gosh. Just when I think you can't possibly be any more...um...okay. Mr. Shife. You had me howling. You are quite a crack up.

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    3. I have my moments, Debby. Thank you.

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  7. Fortunately, I’ve never seen the movie. That’s all I’ll say about any of this.

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  8. That is hilarious! I like that your alter ego had an actual classy name. College is the appropriate place for things like that to happen and after college is the appropriate place for them to die a natural death :D

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    1. You are one thousand percent correct, jenny_o.

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  9. Oh, my, visions of very pre internet days; 1961! We (you can substitute "I") did over indulge and engage in shenanigans, from which more sober folks had to walk "we" home.

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    1. More stories that you need to share on your blog, Joanne.

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  10. Glad to hear that your children are still sheltered enough not to know about Dad's alter ego

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    1. I can only shelter them so long, Kathy.

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  11. there are times I'm glad I had to work full time in college so I didn't have time to do crazy stunts. And I've not seen Silence of the Lambs either

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    1. Maybe that is why I got into so much trouble, Jeff. I only worked part-time.

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  12. The Internet knows all about Mrs. Epstein...
    Frankenweenie - Mrs. Epstein is an annoying neighbor that resides near the Frankensteins.
    Mrs. Epstein was Rick Sheridan's landlady.
    My friend Ms. Epstein is a dance teacher in DC
    Mrs. Epstein is a teacher at William Lummis Elementary School.
    Mrs. Epstein. Owner & Head Instructor.
    Mrs. Epstein joined the faculty in 1990
    Mrs. Epstein received a brocha from the Rebbe

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    Replies
    1. Shhh, Mike. Don't say too much or you might get a visit from people in sunglasses and dark suits.

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