Mrs. Epsteen

I have written about many things on this blog.
Some good like my awesome kids or my amazing wife.
Some bad like ambushed paddingtons.
Some ugly like crapping my pants.
Well this topic is definitely going to fall somewhere in the bad and ugly range.
A bugly.
I have never spoken about her – and after reading about her – you might think I should have left her buried in the past with some other antics that I have not shared with all of you wonderful people that visit Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy.
Her name was Mrs. Epsteen and she has left a unsavory impression on more than a few people in the small number of years that she was out and about.
Here is a picture of the infamous Mrs. Epsteen showing off her hardbody in the glorious waters of the Pacific Ocean with one of her admirers:

Yes you are quite sharp if you noticed that the guy wearing what could be mistaken for a dark brown speedo looks a lot like me because that is me, and that is me being Mrs. Epsteen. 

If you are familiar with the movie The Silence of The Lambs then hopefully you remember the scene in which the serial killer – Buffalo Bill – does a little dance after he tucks his junk between his legs so he looks like he has a va-jay-jay. Well I decided to occasionally incorporate this dance into my drunken adventures during my collegiate years and eventually she became known as Mrs. Epsteen. I wish I could tell you what inspired the name or why she happened to be married or why the heck I would even do this in front of friends and strangers but I can't because I don't remember. The only thing I can tell you with the utmost certainty is that when I decided to transform into Mrs. Epsteen there was a tree stump in the Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ than yours truly.

She only appeared occasionally and usually late, late in the evening when I am sure my blood alcohol content resembled a horrible grade point average. Someone would talk me into it. And by someone I mean me. Then the next thing you know there are people running in the other direction as quickly as possible and looking as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar as they could not quite comprehend what they just saw. I am sure there were a lot of WTFs?!?! uttered and then a search for the nearest eye-wash station. Eventually sober judgement and common sense prevailed so Mrs. Epsteen was retired. Turns out looking like an inebriated, moronic eunuch with superfluous fur was not a great way to make a first impression with anyone. 

Mrs. Epsteen also appeared before the Internet was the Internet as we know it today so thank the fat bassets that there is not too much evidence of me being her out there. I do know there are a few pictures of Mrs. Epsteen tucked away - an extremely poor choice of words - so I have to be a nice guy for the rest of my days or another photo of her might surface and we certainly do not need that. 

So there you go. Another skeleton from my closet brought out into the light, and boy was it an ugly one. Enjoy your retirement Mrs. Epsteen and don't ever come out of it. 

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 


  1. Anonymous6/21/2013

    Hahaha pure awesomeness.

  2. Anonymous6/21/2013

    Hahaha...pure awesomeness.

  3. I think we all have memories that should remain buried but yours is outstanding. Not that I could see much that was outstanding.... whaaaaa!

    Have a GREAT weekend.

  4. what you did was honorable. mrs epsteen deserved to see the great big world. you are a compassionate man.

  5. This is pretty darn hysterical.

  6. We call it "the tuck and dance" at our house, though Jay (from Jay and Silent Bob) also pop into our heads at its mention.

    I hear its therapeutic to get in touch with your feminine side if you are male. Did Mrs. Epsteen give you insights?

  7. So awesome that beddrockgirl said it twice! One of the top posts for sure, thanks for the chuckle tonight.

  8. Mrs. Epsteem reminds me of "Welcome back Kotter"
    Juan Epstein would always have a fake note to get out of class. The notes would be signed Epstein's Mother.

    Most people could be blackmailed with the info that you just voluntarily come out with.

    Maybe you should go into politics, you seem to be unblackmailable.

  9. Reminds me of Lt. Lois Einhorn (AKA Ray Finkle) from Ace Ventura.

    "If the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have EVER seen!"

  10. You know, it seems that the stage company I work with can find just about any excuse to put me in a dress or in drag, so don't feel too bad. It could be quite a photo gallery if I ever did it... which I won't.

  11. People are known to come out of retirement shife ;) I got the silence of the lambs reference and laughed


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