This is is going to be a long one so if you want to come back another day then I understand but I need to get this out there.
Thank you to everyone for their comments. I sincerely appreciate it, and all of your suggestions and kind words are awesome. The problem with depression and the way it affects me is that I don't feel worthy of any of it.
When I am in the middle of a blue spell, I don't feel like I am entitled to love, happiness, success, kind words, etc. I am completely aware of it but I just have to battle through the low self-esteem and I how feel inconsequential in life. When I feel better, these feelings are there but they just do not surface and I can manage them.
Yes, I do medicate, they do help, but - and maybe it is me - they do not balance you out completely. In my case, there are going to be days when the blue beast is going to kick my butt.
I also do therapy, and it helped me realize that the anxiety/depression/panic attacks have been there since I was a kid, but I just thought I was moody and anti-social some days. I also know the cause of my depression.
My biological dad left my mother and I when was just born. I never had a relationship with him but we did occasionally talk and meet in person over the years, and as I got older I always wanted his love and know that he was proud of me, but I never got it. Even on his death bed I got nothing from the man who helped make me. So no matter how much love I have in my life, I will always yearn for the one person's that I did not get. I should be able to get over it especially since I barely knew the dude, but being rejected by someone who is supposed to love, nurture, protect, and always be there for you is one obstacle that still haunts me and makes me believe I am unworthy of a lot things that I have in my life.
The one positive for being abandoned by my biological dad is that it did show me the type of father I do not want to be. I will always be there for Kyle and his little brother or sister. There may be some bumps in the road, but they will know that I love them and always be proud of them.
Thank you for reading.
I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.