Saturday, October 22, 2011

15 Days and Counting

This is is going to be a long one so if you want to come back another day then I understand but I need to get this out there.
Thank you to everyone for their comments. I sincerely appreciate it, and all of your suggestions and kind words are awesome. The problem with depression and the way it affects me is that I don't feel worthy of any of it.
When I am in the middle of a blue spell, I don't feel like I am entitled to love, happiness, success, kind words, etc. I am completely aware of it but I just have to battle through the low self-esteem and I how feel inconsequential in life. When I feel better, these feelings are there but they just do not surface and I can manage them.
Yes, I do medicate, they do help, but - and maybe it is me - they do not balance you out completely. In my case, there are going to be days when the blue beast is going to kick my butt.
I also do therapy, and it helped me realize that the anxiety/depression/panic attacks have been there since I was a kid, but I just thought I was moody and anti-social some days. I also know the cause of my depression.
My biological dad left my mother and I when was just born. I never had a relationship with him but we did occasionally talk and meet in person over the years, and as I got older I always wanted his love and know that he was proud of me, but I never got it. Even on his death bed I got nothing from the man who helped make me. So no matter how much love I have in my life, I will always yearn for the one person's that I did not get. I should be able to get over it especially since I barely knew the dude, but being rejected by someone who is supposed to love, nurture, protect, and always be there for you is one obstacle that still haunts me and makes me believe I am unworthy of a lot things that I have in my life.
The one positive for being abandoned by my biological dad is that it did show me the type of father I do not want to be. I will always be there for Kyle and his little brother or sister. There may be some bumps in the road, but they will know that I love them and always be proud of them.
Thank you for reading.
I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

11 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I too, was essentially abandoned by a father. No, you never get over it. Never. But, as you said, you CAN be the father you wish you'd had and in doing that, you are fathering that small boy you were too.
I am crying a little bit for both of us because I understand all too well and dammit, it IS painful.

Ms. Moon said...

Also, you helped me put into words something I have been thinking about and I linked you in a post just now. I hope that's okay.

Peggy said...

My paternal grandfather left my grandmother and her children, my aunt and my dad, when my father was 6 months old. My father only met his father one time. That appeared to have been enough for him. My dad was the best father anyone could ever have wished for. That's you. That's everything your children will ever want.
Looking forward to the new little one!

Steph(anie) said...

I can relate so completely to what you wrote about your dad and I am sorry that you have had to feel that way.

Valerie said...

Now I understand, Shifey. I can't add anything to the comment made by Ms. Moon, she said it all.

just bob said...

Pretty close to my life in a nutshell... except my father died unexpectedly when I was young. Meds balance you out, keep you able to function, but they aren't "happy pills."

Looking from afar, I think you're doing an super fantastic awesome job with Lil Shife... and will do the same for Lil Shife II, the sequel.

Hang in there, let things turn back around and keep being the best you that you can be.

Red said...

That sucks Shife. Kyle and Shife 3.0 are lucky to have you ;-)

radioactive girl said...

I totally get this, my dad was pretty absent emotionally, and it makes me feel sad that you feel this way too. If you replace husband with dad then I am still in this situation. I guess I chose someone that was similar to what I knew, which was dumb because I still feel like I am constantly searching for ways to make him like me. That's dumb, given all the crap that he did, but I just can't seem to bring myself to file for divorce even though I know it is what needs to happen.

I completely understand how you feel with this. I also understand why I can relate to you so much with the love you have for your kids. I am the same way, I am so determined never to be that way and never to make them feel that feeling that I am probably driving them crazy with the love that I show them. You always seem to have that same kind of love for your little guy and every time I read something you write about him it makes me smile.

Jay Noel said...

This too shall pass.

Just remember that the stream is in constant motion, moving forward. You have the right attitude and the strength to get through this rough spot.

I hate to get scientific, but check out any of Dr. Amen's books. He runs the D. Amen Clinic. Talks about brain SPECT scans and depression. There might be something else you could be doing to help you in the long term.

I've found his books helped me out and understand the biological/neurological causes for what ails us.

silly rabbit said...

I share this connection with you, though my reasons for my own troubles are different.
I love that you do what you do for Kyle and will for the new baby. I think you are a real hero for that.
Not a platitude.
I'm not trying to make you feel better by saying something nice. I know how much it takes to keep pushing forward and the frustration. Just keep doing it my friend.

kden said...

My husband's father also left before my husband was even born. No body in the family would ever talk about it, so he knows nothing about him. I think that he also feels unworthy of anything good in his life.

But you are smart enough to know that this (in part) is what makes you the wonderful father you are and will continue to be with the new baby. You are more of a man than your father will ever be. So eff him!!