Get your drink on

OK folks I am going to another football game this weekend, and I am praying to the football gods that we win because I don’t think my liver can handle another loss. But win or lose, I will still booze.
As I am getting older, I can no longer party like a rock star and I have been developing some symptoms that have been problematic. Fortunately, I found a guide to some of my problems. And being the caring, giving man that I am I thought I would share with you in case you are experiencing any of these complications.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

Comments

  1. haha that is great- yea I'll be 34 later next week - but I still party like a rock-star :) have a blast! I'm finding as I get older that beer buzzes are much better than liquor/shooter/shot hangovers - jus ask me about last Friday hah

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  2. Anonymous10/08/2007

    Who IS the dude who's about to give birth to a watermelon?

    I hope Cher isn't going to see this.

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  3. These are symptoms that make me happy in my pants.

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  4. I have had many of those symptoms. Thanks for the solutions.

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  5. Stay away from beer. It is bad for the kidneys and makes kidney stones. If you must drink, drink something strong that will clear out your digestive track.

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  6. Hehehe! I agree with Tina--as I get older, I prefer beer buzzes to the hard liquor shots. I think it still qualifies as rockstar partying!

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  7. excellent symptoms to be on the look out for. usually wives are very good at keeping track of symptoms and refreshing your memory the next day.

    moderation is for monks.

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  8. When you can't pass the horse in front of you because the fire engine next to you won't get over, it's time to get your drunk ass of the merry-go-round.

    Hope your team wins.

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  9. Many of these can be solved with one of those fancy hard hats. You know the one with two beer holders and those crazy straws.

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