Monday, March 13, 2006

Greeting Cards Gone Wild

Here are a few greeting cards that you probably won't be reading in the stores anytime soon. And sorry about the delay between posts but I was out of town for a wedding and I am nursing a world-class hangover. I just love getting older.

  • My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat
    When I looked at the tire...
    I noticed your cat.
    Sorry!
  • Violets are blue
    Roses are red
    I can’t believe your son
    Likes to give head
  • I don't mean to be mean,
    But yo mama needs Listerine,
    Not a sip,
    Not a swallow,
    But the whole damn bottle.
  • Looking back over the years that we've been together,
    I can't help but wonder...
    "What the hell was I thinking?"
    Congratulations on your wedding day!
    Too bad no one likes your husband.
  • How could two people as beautiful as you
    Have such an ugly baby?
  • I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love
    After having met you...
    I've changed my mind.
  • I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell until I met you. !
  • As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
    That you're not here to ruin it for me.
  • Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
    Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
    You'll probably need it again.
  • Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
    (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
  • Happy birthday!
    You look great for your age.
    Almost Lifelike!
  • When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
    Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
  • We have been friends for a very long time...
    let's say we stop.
  • I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
  • Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    Did you ever find out who the father was?
  • Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
    So we're having you put to sleep.
  • So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
    Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

32 comments:

Sideshow said...

Sweet.

Blonde said...

reminds me of my Dad...

He always gave a Sympathy card as a Wedding card and always wrote in it, "I'm sure it will be different for you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Shife: Are you sure we're not related? That sounds like the kind of stuff I'd suggest for cards.

Awesome list, as always.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

blonde - that is funny about your dad's wedding card gift. :)

She said...

The last one was my favorite.

angel, jr. said...

Hey, I'm from West Virginia and I haven't seen that card yet!

Design Goddess said...

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

Sure wish they had that card for my ex!

Phats said...

HAHAHA!! these are hilarious shife you rock. I loved the listerine one and the giving head one too funny.

GO HEELS!

Atalanta said...

I'd bet there's a market for those. This could be a get-rich-quick break. ;)

missy said...

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me."

I have the perfect person in mind for this card. Maybe I'll just send it as an e-card ;-)

Denise said...

You're a nut!

Watch it with those TN remarks! LOL

Sophie T. Mishap said...

Impressive!

The Scarlett said...

You sooooo make me laugh.

meghansdiscontent said...

Where do you come up with this stuff, babe?

lilly said...

The second one is so funny.. It reminds me of my friends brother. When he finally decided to come out to his brother (my friend) he called and told him "Yeah, I like big fat cock in my mouth!" My friend just about died! It was hilarious...

the_mrs said...

That was great...have you pitched these to Hallmark yet?

Cupcake said...

I could use about 4 of those right this minute

DaMasta said...

LOLOLOL..
That's some funny shit, Shifey!

"We've been friends for a long time. Let's say we stop."

Let's not.

Christie said...

lmao

Anonymous said...

I love the first one. Truely creative. You are a true blue verve.

Luke said...

Oh, that was me. ^^^^

SugarHigh said...

i wish Hallmark would get on this already. ;)

Zack said...

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

LOL I wish I had that one a year ago when my ex had her kid.

nicole said...

Oh dear. Time for a kitty roll call:

One cat...two cats...

Yep. They're all here.

none - ya said...

I've always hated having to tell people they have a cute baby, when clearly the child is, for lack of a better word, a brown bagger. I have a friend that has the ugliest kid I have ever seen. Everytime she shows me pictures I just cringe. What really shocks me is how attractive the two of them are. Hopefully the poor kid will grow out of this "chew toy" look.

LBseahag said...

heh heh...nothing like a little Lysterine to fend off dragon breath...

Steph said...

Did you make that up? You really should work for Hallmark if you did. :)

cranberry said...

those are brilliant.
it was just my friend's b-day and i'll have to give those in a belated card.
thanks mr. shife!

Dirk the Feeble said...

In all fairness, being a hooker actually is pretty good pay.

White Dade said...

You know, Shife, I tinhk if this whole blogging thing doesn't work out, you could go to work for the people over at t-Shirt hell

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