Alright here is the final installment.
I hope you have enjoyed my thoughts and observations for the week.
- How's this for a way to start the day -- the toilet overflows all over the bathroom floor and you are plopping around in your own urine while you clean it up. That is so much better than a cup of coffee.
- Speaking of coffee, I do not drink the stuff.
- I think I might be manstrating or something. I have cried during a movie since last Friday. Friday it was "Swimming Upstream," Saturday it was "House of D," Sunday it was "The Power of One," Monday it was "Eight Below," and Tuesday it was "Independence Day." Yes that Independence Day with Will Smith. So I knew something was whack when the tears were trying to flow for that film.
I have made it through today not being a sissy so maybe my time of the month is over. - Hey Stinky McNutsack on the ellipitical machine, have you heard of deodorant? I am having issues with people at my gym this week. But how can you not tell that you smell like ass? Come on people use some soap in that shower.
- Random Chuck Norris fact: The leading causes of death in the United States are 1) Heart Disease, 2) Chuck Norris, 3) Cancer.
- A new Guns 'N' Roses album? It might be happening. And can you believe Axl Rose is 44. Holy crap.
- Chicken Dance anyone.
- And this was first brought to my attention by Max Powers and I just received word from another dude. It looks like men want their own version of Valentine's Day.
Have yourself a merry little day, and please remember to tip your wait staff.
I watched "Armageddon" the other night and got a lump in my throat, but I promptly found some footage of baby seals being clubbed and laughed at it, which I think cancels out my act of sissiness.
ReplyDeleteRev -- Two wrongs don't make a right.
ReplyDeleteShifey, hon, with all the stress you've been under at work it's no wonder you're tearing up at the drop of a hat. Sometimes ya just need a good cry.
ReplyDeleteHmm, which makes me think... I am way overdue.
I like a man who's in touch with his feminine side, but sounds like you might need a healthy dose of... football, er... beer, er... whatever it is that accelerates manly hormone production.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, did you know Chuck Norris doesn't sleep?
He waits.
Okay, I will humbly admit to you that both Eric AND i are laughing HYSTERICALLY "Stinky McNutsack." I mean, where the hell do you GET this stuff from???
ReplyDeleteCupcake -- I hope you are right. If I start balling when I am watching "Van Wilder" then I know I need help.
ReplyDeletePollyanna -- I like your thinking. Me and the boys will have to go and get some drinking done this weekend.
Nicole -- I have no idea. I just figure I am weird and this kind of stuff is the byproduct.
I'm with you on the stinky bastards. What is so hard about applying a little soap and water occasioanlly? Makes me want to punch babies ;)
ReplyDeleteSteph -- Way to incorporate that phrase into your daily blogging. You are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteUh, Mr. Shife, those little pastel tablets Mrs. Shife has in her purse in the snap shut case are NOT days of the month Sweet Tarts. :-)
ReplyDeletecrying during a movie ? maybe you need to kill your inner bitch
ReplyDeleteI'm still alive, just "uber" busy!!!
ReplyDeleteCuff Links are a little way too bloody stoopid man! Yeah, going out on a date with a super hot lat 30's crazy sex tarved underappreciated middle management Lady whose kept it all gravity free is alright, cuff links are definitely called for.
Going to work????
Your SO SO gay!
Darius
I love you, Shife.
ReplyDeleteYou need to know that.
And I needed this laughter this morning!
You're terrific!
It's things like Stinky McNutSack that keep me coming back to you everyday.
Stinky McNutsack
ReplyDeleteI think I know this guy. He gets around a bit.
Axl Rose 44? I'm surprised the new record is coming out before he's 54.
Still, bailed breath...
I think ass smell is like perfume, if you wear it too much you become immune to its smell! That or maybe he just likes the smell of ass...
ReplyDeleteDude, I think we've all noticed it by now, but I feel it needs to be pointed out. You've got quite the harem going on in here. It's actually pretty dang impressive.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the only way to cure manstration is to alternate shots of tequila and tabasco sauce. Then give yourself the biggest purple nurple of all time. It's sure-fire.
All this Guns and Roses nonsense. They were overrated 15 years ago. 4 or 5 decent songs doesn't keep me holding on for 20 years, sorry.
ReplyDeleteHave you never heard the phrase "One never smells his/her own stink?!"
ReplyDeleteGreat post as always! :)
Rocky -- Dammit. I knew those pills tasted funny.
ReplyDeleteCH -- I plan on getting her drunk this weekend.
Darius -- Coming from you, being called gay is a compliment.
MD -- Thank you. I am glad I could help out this morning.
Christopher -- He is a bit of a man whore. I am not holding my breath either waiting for that album.
Lilly -- Well this dude loved the shit out of the smell of ass because he was smothered in it.
Vince -- Shhh, keep the harem thing a secret. Most of the advice I have been getting involves drinking large quantities of grain alcohol so I guess that is the plan of action.
T. -- You come by once a week and this is all you give me. I am feeling crestfallen.
DG -- Yes I have heard that phrase but I am just amazed that people can't smell themselves when it is that bad. I mean this was ass smell on steroids.
Chinese Democracy is kind of like The Yeti. I'll believe it when I see it.
ReplyDeleteManstrating? LMAO!!!! What kind of personal hygiene products does that require and where do you put them?
ReplyDeleteSarah -- I feel the same way, but this is the best news we have heard about that album in a long time.
ReplyDeleteME -- I think it requires massive amounts of alcohol poured down the throat.
A friend of mine is a concierge on South Beach, and Matt Sorum was staying at his hotel this summer. A direct quote form him:
ReplyDelete"You will never hear or see anything new from GNR again. It isn't up to me. Where is a good sushi place around here?"
If women did their job on Valentine's day like the mens do for us ladies their would be no use for more VD.
ReplyDeleteI always find that being woken up with some sort of heckticness to be much better than coffee and with less jitters (in your case maybe more stank).
White Dade -- Where is good sushi place around there?
ReplyDeleteMack -- I am wearing my pink elephant thong.
Oh and are you wearing a pink shirt today to show of your feminine side?
ReplyDeleteMaybe you're pregnant and that's why you're crying?
ReplyDeleteMax Powers is homer simpsons' alter ego!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel so bad. I was practically sobbing at the end of The Green Mile.
ReplyDeleteEver notice that 90% of the time, the only men who will admit they've cried at a movie, are married?
(The deleted post was mine. I forgot one word, and didn't want to look illiterate).
Jon -- I guess I have always been comfortable enough to admit that some movies get me all choked up, but you are right about the majority of men who admit it are married.
ReplyDeleteA guy that works for me smells so bad and there is no way to tell him. So I loaded up on plug ins and air freshners and his office smells good now. He still smells like a hoagie sandwich with extra onion.
ReplyDeleteYou are not menstrating. However, I think you need to reach between your legs to see if your balls are still attached.
I miss and love you and hope all is well. I am recouping in sunny FL. I am sunburnt and drunk and hoping to get my ass slapped. Miss you!
LMAO "manstrating"!!!
ReplyDelete