For some reason -- I am pretty sure it was the Nyquil -- I was thinking about what items would make your masterbatory experience less than pleasant. So without further ado, I present my top 20 list of things that will not be beneficial to your solo lovemaking adventures.
- Cheese graters
- Vacuums
- Rabid badgers
- Soiled diapers
- Fish sticks
- Fine Mexican food
- Halloween haikus
- Radioactive waste
- Christmas lights
- Roast beef
- Greasy, slimy gopher guts
- Weapons of mass destruction
- Ginsu knifes
- Toupees
- Dandruff
- Mufflers
- Farm animals
- Icy Hot
- Hot glue gun
- Zombie-elected overlords
As always, your feedback is welcomed and appreciated.
Baked beans and styrofoam packing peanuts.
ReplyDeletePlease don't ask me why.
haha "Masterbatory" made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteFarm Animals, man you better start a PSA quick for the kids here in indiana!
Vacuums make males' masturbatory experiences worse??
ReplyDeleteI thought if they were on the low setting and you used the hose . . .
I'm not a boy, I don't know.
I agree with toupees...it just would kill the mood.
ReplyDeleteFalse teeth
ReplyDeleteToilet bowl cleanser (any brand)
Dubya
The Holocaust
In-laws
EXFOLIATIING SOAP!!! or soap-with-sandpaper! (That stuff ought to come with warning label for those in-the-shower pull offs)
ReplyDeleteI have asked my wife to buy only Dove from now on.
What's wrong with rabid beavers?
ReplyDeleteOh, you said badgers...nevermind...
LOL!!! These are great!
ReplyDeleteDon't forget what Billy Crystal once said, "sliding down a razor blade into a vat of rubbing alcohol is no fun".
Just the thought of that makes me feel all.... I don't really know.
I didn't realize that men put so much thought in to the "maturbatory process". Nice to know.
How bout, sand, camel spiders, iraqi man love?? Sorry, just came from CS' site.
ReplyDeleteYou have stumped me here. I think pretty much anything with texture gets the ol' job done. Even those greast, slimy gopher guts aren't too bad after you've microwaved them for a bit...
ReplyDeletelmao! icy hot! ahhahaha!!
ReplyDeletebroken glass would pretty much suck.
i've wacked off to rabid badgers many times using sean connery's toupe'.
ReplyDeleteof course the rabid badgers were engaged in hot group action with phyllis diller..
I always thought, not that I've tried, that a vacuum turned on low might be effective.
ReplyDeleteSand in the Vaseline?
ReplyDeleteHi mrshife, I was out blog surfing looking for some info on esteban guitar when I ended up on your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but your topic caught my eye. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for esteban guitar. I am going to
ReplyDeletebookmark your site for future reference and reading. Should you ever need it, you can get specific information about esteban guitar at the site above.
you forgot mutilated monkey meat and french fried eyeballs...
ReplyDeletewhat's wrong with you?
LMAO!! Zombie elected overlords definitely ruin my vibe!!! This post is a Shife masterpiece to be sure-- or is that masturbatory piece??? LMAO!!!
ReplyDeleteHEY !!....don't knock the hot glue gun until you've tried it..oh wait, that's supposed to be hot wax...hmmmmm....no wonder why I can't....oh nevermind !!
ReplyDeleteMasturbating with Nyquil might be bad, too.
ReplyDeleteAlso, having a cat staring at you the whole time is quite disconcerting.
Not that I would know....
I would think that, with a little Vaseline, a vacuum could provide a superb sexual experience for a man.
ReplyDeleteDon't write off the greasy, slimy gopher guts. They would serve as a suitable lubricant in a pinch...men had to use something before Vaseline was invented. For all we know gopher guts could have been the lube of choice for the Pilgrims.
Now....the muffler thing...don't knock it 'til you try it! I have photographic evidence that it MAY NOT be so bad....you be the judge.
cupcake, I agree!! I have passed out on myself on Nyquil!!
ReplyDeletei've written two university papers on the history and social construction surrounding the negative perception that society has on masturbation. i have yet to write one that has included items that would make the act of 'onanism' less pleasant.
ReplyDeletethough, i will find the link to the terrible anti-masturbatory items when i'm not on a work-based computer.
i must say though, that an esteban guitar is now on my list.
Aww... I thought you'd at least mention The Hoff here... or is he soooo (a thing of) archives now?
ReplyDeleteToday is the 19th?? Where are you??
ReplyDeleteWow, I'll have to keep this list handy.
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ReplyDeleteI found your blog informative. While out blog surfing today for specific info on as seen on tv stores, I ended up on your page. I will bookmark your site for a future visit, and should you ever need it, there is plenty of information on this site about as seen on tv stores.
ReplyDelete