Thought of the day
I had to pee.
Badly.
My barber was running late, so I made a beeline for the nearby McDonald's. I reached the door to the promised land, only to find a numerical lock staring back at me like a silent judge.
The nice worker behind the counter promised to follow me back to unlock it. I waited. And I waited. I stood there, clenching like my life depended on it, but she never showed. At this point, my bladder wasn't just letting me know it wasn't cool; it was writing a formal letter of resignation.
Then, a door opened. An older lady and her grandkid exited the women's restroom.
I did the mental gymnastics: Locks on the door + Two people leaving = Vacant sanctuary.
I stuck my foot out, channeled my inner ninja, and slipped inside.
Sweet relief.
I was mid-stream, finally at peace, when the unthinkable happened: The stall next to me flushed.
Time stopped. My stream stopped. I froze like a deer in the headlights of a "Stranger Danger" seminar. All I could imagine was the headline: Local Man Arrested for Bathroom Espionage; Claims "The Math Made Sense."
For the love of fat bassets, I was trapped in a women's restroom with a stranger who was about to see an old white dude emerge from the neighboring stall.
I spent the next 60 seconds peeking through the stall cracks like a low-budget spy, waiting for the coast to clear. I’ve never moved faster in my life than when I bolted for that exit. I’m pretty sure I broke the land speed record for a man who still technically needed to finish his business.
Thanks for asking.
I will keep moving forward.
I will be the stream.
Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!
ReplyDeleteOMG. The ordeal!
ReplyDeleteI feel you, but I would have gone back to get that worker and told them very publicly why I needed the door code!
Bet your blood pressure went up five points while you were there.
XOXO
If that happens again and you get caught, just say you're a trans man using the bathroom of your gender at birth , in compliance with what the MAGA bigots want trans people to do.
ReplyDeleteWell. Now that makes good sense. I myself will admit to the time I was at a park. With a partly potty trained child. The line to the ladies room was long. No line at all at the men's door. I grabbed a handful of like minded mothers and one stood guard while a half dozen women with children stormed the place. When a man did show up. The situation. Was explained with great charm
DeleteThe man was not a father and did not understand. He actually got kind of pissy about having to wait. The women still waiting at the women's entrance laughed at his outrage. When the last women came out, we turned it over to him.