1/22/26

Thought of the day


Oh, you poor bastard.
You didn’t deserve this.

You just asked if I needed help.
And I did, in such a big way, but not the kind you could provide.

I brought the toxicity to the dog food aisle you were stocking.
I didn’t know you were going to be there.
The aisle was clear, so I thought I had authorization to release my bioweapon.

But there you were, a few seconds later, eager to help this dumb, white guy.
The look on my face could have been confused with “I need assistance.”
Except it was fear and shame.

I was afraid that if you got any closer, your face would melt off.
And humiliated because I am a disgusting human being whose natural‑gas exports are single‑handedly raising the Earth’s core temperature.

I moved closer to you like I was playing full‑court press defense to try to limit your movements, but that just prolonged the inevitability.

“Do you need help with anything?” you asked.

In hindsight, I should have said, “It smells like shit in here,” and stormed out of the store like I was in a Netflix buddy comedy.
Instead, I said, “Sure. I’m looking for some diet dog food.”

Of course, that dog food was located in the eye of the storm.

He didn’t know what hit him as he naively drifted into the fray, but he bravely pointed out the brand I might be interested in while silently wondering what fresh hell had invaded his nasal cavities.

I quickly and politely said, “Thank you,” to end the conversation and watched him hurry out of the aisle, presumably in search of the nearest fresh air and a reason to live.

Anyway… so how’s your day going?

Meme dump






I will persevere.
I will keep moving forward.
I will be the stream.


Comments

  1. As someone who works in retail, the bioweapons are always worse when they belong to a little old lady who's sitting 3 feet away.

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  2. I had brussels sprouts last night; I love them, but they don't love me. However, I did stay home. Who is on a diet?

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  3. NEVER remain at the scene of a crime. Fart and walk away, girl, WALK AWAY!

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  4. MUCH needed entertainment for the day! Thanks!! 😂

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  5. After reading this post my cheeks hurt. The laughing ones!

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  6. Back in the day, when I was more ladylike, my husband and sons would mortify me in stores. They'd let loose while standing next to me and walk off giggling. I was left in a noxious cloud with what I would assume was a panicky look of absolute horror on my face as strangers entered my little orbit of butt fumes. I didn't pass gas in public, ladylike remember? However when I did let her rip they'd get all upset and yell Ewww Mom! Of course I waited until we were in an enclosed vehicle in the middle of the freeway to let my delicate aroma waft through the waves of testosterone, Revenge is a dish best served with a stink bomb while trapped in a moving car. Thanks for the memories of yesteryear.

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