Any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of this letter which was written by a funny lady named Wendi Aarons, without the express written consent of the aforementioned funny lady named Wendi Aarons, is most likely prohibited but it's too funny not to share.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... This brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you effin' kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really thinks happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and vodka and then lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a machete and a sketchy plan to redecorate the feminine hygiene section.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... This brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you effin' kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really thinks happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and vodka and then lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a machete and a sketchy plan to redecorate the feminine hygiene section.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Hope you are doing great and maybe I will talk to you tomorrow.
I will persevere.
I will keep moving forward.
I will be the stream.
I almost stopped reading at testicles and George Foreman grill.
ReplyDeleteUnderstandable, Dave.
DeleteHomicidal Maniacs In Capri Pants!!!! Now there's a movie that needs to be made ...
ReplyDeleteIt has blockbuster, sequels and prequels written all over it, Bob.
DeleteThs is the first time I have visited "Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy" and I must admit that I was rather confused as the letter seems so convincingly written from the point of view of a woman who is very familiar with the monthly cycle and its effects.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the confusion, Mr. Pudding. I wasn't very clear in my intro but it was indeed written by a woman and it was another reminder that men aren't too smart sometimes.
DeleteHA!
ReplyDeleteIndeed
DeleteThose were the days. Long gone.
ReplyDeleteAnother smiley face
Delete‘Put down the hammer’ is hilarious! Their stock would double if they had this woman write their little throw away pick-me-ups.
ReplyDeleteIt would be amazing
DeleteI never had painful periods so I can't relate! I'm thankful.
ReplyDeleteSmiley face
DeleteLove it - yeah, have a happy period is just adding insult to injury :D
ReplyDeleteMen are not the brightest bulb sometimes.
DeleteSo glad those days are behind me but Wendi speaks the truth!
ReplyDeleteI need to look her up and see how she is doing.
DeleteIf they think that periods are difficult, just wait until they stop. Shit gets real then, buddy. I'm pretty sure that climate change is all my fault.
ReplyDeleteLOL
Delete"an inbred hillbilly with knife skills" is something I am going to have to forget or I may spend a few nights on the couch.
ReplyDeleteIt certainly doesn't give you warm fuzzies
Delete