Friday, June 06, 2014

Smell Ya Later

I ran into a friend from college at the grocery store recently.
It had been awhile since we last saw each other so we chatted for about 10 minutes.
I would have lasted longer but I needed some fresh air.
Let me explain.
As the conversation began, I noticed an extremely ripe body odor lingering in the air.
It felt like a hobo's fart had decided to camp out right under my nose.
Naturally I assumed it was me because I barely remember to brush my teeth some days so forgetting to put on deodorant seemed about right for this dumb, white guy.
While listening to my friend talk, I attempted as discretely as possible to sniff my underarms.
First, I pretended that I needed to scratch my face by raising my arm up then rubbing my cheek on my shoulder.
This technique allowed me to take in a big whiff to see if I indeed was contaminating the air.
No odors were detected so onto the next attempt because I wasn't convinced I got a good smell.
I crossed my arms and stuck my fingers in the armpit region so I could rub my fingers around.
Then I uncrossed my arms and pretended I needed to scratch my nose which would allow me to smell my fingers.
I did my best to not look like Molly Shannon's Mary Katherine Gallagher character on SNL.
Do you remember her? (I wasn't as dedicated and only rubbed my fingers over my shirt.)


The fingers didn't smell like a turd covered in burnt dog hair.
Awesome.
One more test.
I mentioned to my friend that my shoulder had been bothering me today.
Must have slept on it in a weird way I said.
Better stretch it out I said.
I raised my right hand over my head and bent my elbow to place my right hand behind my left shoulder.
Kind of like this:


I turned my head to the side as an imaginary cough appeared out of nowhere.
Damn you fake, dry air that I just pretended to inhale.
I fake coughed.
I breathed in through my nose.
Nothing.
What the hell?
Then it dawned on me.
I didn't stink.
My old friend was the one who smelled like hot garbage.
When I realized this, the smell became 100 times worse because I knew it wasn't mine.
It's like thinking you stepped in mud but then you get home and discover it's somebody's poop.
In my entire life I have never wished for a stuffy nose but at that moment I was begging for one.
Oh the horror.
It's funny how the mind works.
Now that the noise corruption conundrum was solved it was time to end this talk because the odor was too much.
What could I do?
Punch myself in the neck? No. Too weird.
Punch my friend in the neck? Nope. Too mean.
Pretend I got a phone call? Nada. My cell phone was in the car.
Pee my pants? Negative. Too embarrassing. I have my limitations.
But that got me thinking.
I said, "Hey Smelly (names have been changed to protect myself from getting into trouble) I need to run to the bathroom. Sorry man I just can't hold it like the good old days."
We shook hands, said we would be in touch (which we never did), and I was on my way to the men's room to pretend to be pee.
As soon I was out of sight of Smelly, I felt like a swimmer who had had been holding his breath too long and camp up gasping for that precious air.


I found out later that my friend had gone more natural and holistic which is awesome if you want to smell like Bigfoot's dick.
So what's the moral of this little tale?
Sometimes those who dealt it don't always smell it.
And my friends stink.



Thanks for stopping by.


I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.







8 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I remember when it became a popular hippie belief that if you stopped using deodorant, your body would adapt and quit smelling.
We discovered this was not true.

kden said...

I have an old friend from high school. I have seen her a few times in the last 4 years. She stinks. She's German, wonder if that has anything to do with it. Last time I saw her I got stuck sleeping in the same room with her on an ungodly hot summer's night. The stench filled the air. I KNEW it wasn't me.

Valerie said...

LOL I automatically lifted the arm while I read this, just in case, but all was well!!

They say a dog doesn't smell it's own body odour, but I don't think this applies to humans.

kden might be interested to know that a lot of Germans don't use deodorants!

Jon said...

Yeah, I had a friend from middle school who did the same thing. It can bring tears to your eyes. Here's hoping that he doesn't Google your site

silly rabbit said...

I work with a person like that. No one likes her and she has even been warned that she smells and must bathe more by management. She is always so glad to see me becuase I am too nice to scorn her like the others. I think its very sad.
I wonder if your friend has become homeless? We have a great many homeless people customers who are very nice where I work however, they do smell.

Jay Noel said...

Man, that is nasty. You can still go natural without smelling like a rotten butt crack.

And bathing is natural. You don't necessarily have to do it every single day. But you still have to bathe every couple days. All the other animals on earth do it.

But glad you checked yourself first. Always gotta start there.

Just telling it like it is said...

That cracked me up in particular you top secret ways of checking your underarm odor. I am sure that no one noticed what you were doing...especially the Molly Shannon technique...not noticeable at all...
I wonder how you tell someone that they smell like Ass?

texlahoma said...

People carry things too far.

You want to go more natural and holistic, great just not to the point that your very presence is a nasal assault to anyone within 15 feet!
I know, I'm preaching to the choir.

I remember Mary Katherine Gallagher, I started picturing her before I scrolled down enough to see her.

Have a good one.