Friday, May 03, 2013

New and Improved?

Some of you might remember this story from a very long time ago. It is about me, my sister-in-law, and white thong underwear. The story helped inspire part of my book title, and it was also in the query letter I sent to agents. Here it is, and I hope you like the new and improved version. =) 

There are a few certainties in life. Death, taxes and you can be certain that I was not the inspiration for Sisqo’s, “Thong Song.”

Trust me on this one but just in case, here is the proof. 

My wife was going out of town for the weekend with her sister. The plan was for me to meet her at lunch time so we could switch cars. Her sister was also meeting my wife at our house. 

I was the first to arrive at our humble abode, and since I was not going to see my lovely wife all weekend, I wanted to make her laugh. I knew exactly what I needed to do to make that happen. 

It was buried deep, deep in my panty drawer. The 100% cotton masterpiece: a white thong. Don’t ask me how this banana hammock came into my possession, possibly a late night Amazon.com purchase fueled by alcohol. They really need breathalyzers on computers. But I swear I have never worn it or even had the faintest of desires to wear it. Until that day. 

I throw it on, and any manly feelings I had were tossed out the window. Nothing about wearing these plum smugglers makes you feel sexy, at least to me. I even tried doing my “I’m sexy and I know it” dance. I think it ended up more like the “I’m not having sex with anyone but myself tonight” dance. Meanwhile, I’m completely oblivious to the fact that my wife’s sister arrived. She saw the vehicle in the driveway and thought my wife was already home. So she comes in and is hanging out in the TV room.

And cue the phone ringing. 
I head out of the bedroom, down the hall, take a right past the laundry room, and walk into the TV room to get the phone and there was my poor sister-in-law. Expecting to see her sister, instead she almost got the full monty from her brother-in-law. I imagined that I looked like Mark Wahlberg in a Calvin Klein ad. However, the look on her face told me she really thought I resembled Larry the Cable Guy smuggling a few brown velvet chinchillas in my undies. I’m sure it was even more so when I turned around to scurry back down the hall with my pride tucked in between that small strip of cotton and my butt crack. 

Yep, that’s exactly what was needed to make me feel closer to my sister-in-law: Have her see me with a piece of string up my ass — a vision no amount of alcohol or drugs can ever erase.



This is what Little Miss Hayden looks like after she nearly eats herself into a coma. 




I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 

10 comments:

Jon said...

I have a feeling I shouldn't have read this before I went to bed. I am suddenly glad my wife is an only child.

texlahoma said...

They say everything happens for a reason, do they know what they're talking about?

Hayden looks like "Man, my tummy's pleasantly full!"

billy pilgrim said...

was the sister in law quick enough on the draw to whip out her smart phone and capture the moment?

Mr. Shife said...

Sorry Jon. Maybe I should have put more of a warning on there.
I wonder that too texlahoma. Maybe it just happened so I could have a good story for my book.
She was not, BP, but this was also before we had smart phones. The cell phones back then were just phones.

Valerie said...

LOL now I can't wait to read your book. I seem to remember this story from way back and I still laughed when reading it. How IS your S-in-L these days... grins.

Hayden gets lovely every day, loved the picture.

kden said...

I do remember that story! I hope they appreciate your stories as much as we do. That pic reminds me of how I felt after dinner and ice cream last night, ugh.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Funny story! I keep one banana hammock around to remind me that it's time to do the laundry.

Red said...

I went into a small food coma yesterday after homemade tacos. MMMmm. I'm not commenting on your thong adventure. I'm not gonna do it.Nope. Nuh-uh.

Jay Noel said...

I remember that story, and it will never get old.

I'm a visual person, and Larry the Cable guy smuggling chinchillas gave me a mental image that I won't be able to ever siphon from my brain.

Phats said...

haha great story definitely made me laugh.