If you ever wanted to have one of those wonderfully awkward, self-esteem crushing, my life is over because I got rejected junior-high type of feelings again, then I suggest you submit your book proposal/query letter to literary agents.
You get a whole bunch of "It is not you, it is me" or "I don't think it is a good fit" or "Thanks but no thanks" kind of replies that really sends your self-esteem soaring.
And today's sarcastic word of the day is soaring.
I was expecting it and prepared for it but it still stings a little getting shot down multiple times in a week.
The last time I was turned down this much I was using horrible pick-up lines on the ladies like "I wet my pants ... can I get in yours?" at my fraternity.
Maybe I should take a Viagra before I send off my next round of letters? Those guys on erectile dysfunction commercials always seem to be exuding lots of confidence after popping the little, blue pill.
You know the commercials, right? A couple is doing dishes or watching TV or riding a bike then the next thing you know the man is a virile tiger who puts a smile on the face of his now beaming partner because all the blood in his head has now rushed to his penis and then the porno groove starts playing ... bow chika wa wa.
My all-time favorite has to be the middle-aged guy who is just about to mow his lawn then he sees a football in his backyard shed. He tries to throw the football through a tire. Of course the tire is hanging from a big, giant erect tree sprouting up to the sky.
What does this symbolism mean oh clever advertising gods?
The throw is no good. Wide left or maybe wide right. Doesn't matter. He just misses. The voice over suggests that you should ask your doctor about an erectile dysfunction pill like Viagra. The name of the erectile dysfunction product appears on the TV screen next to a silhouette of a burning flame, and you hear the sound of a match being struck.
More subtleness from those wily marketing gurus.
The suddenly reinvigorated man throws the ball straight through the tire, again and again. A smiling woman joins him in the yard. They nuzzle.
Then he gets a book deal. =)
Oh wait that is not what happens.
I have no idea how I got on the subject of boner pills after starting this post but there is no turning back now. I hope you are still with me.
So yes I have struck out a lot in regards to my plea to literary agents to give me a chance.
But it just takes one.
Maybe there is a middle-aged literary agent out there who has suddenly become reinvigorated and is throwing a ball straight through a tire again and again. A smiling woman joins him in the yard. They nuzzle. Then he has sex and totally forgets to check his email so he doesn't see my query letter and then he is rushed to the emergency room because he is one of those guys that has an erection for 4 hours.
After his recovery, he has an epiphany and remembers how awesome sex is so he wants to have a lot more of it. He quits his job, sells everything and goes forth into the world, popping little blue pills, visiting lady friends, and finally dying of a sexually transmitted disease. And he never reads my query letter.
The End.
Wow this post just got really weird.
Shife needs to get his groove back and evidently writing about getting rejected is not helping.
Actually I am fine.
Writing about it does help and I know I have better odds of becoming a huge fan of Justin Bieber's music than getting an agent.
But I am taking a shot.
One way or another this book is getting published because I want to do it dammit.
Like I have said at the end of my blog posts since October 22, 2011, I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.
Thanks for reading.

Little Miss Hayden all dressed up in her Easter dress ready to go find some eggs in the yard.


  1. I didn't find this post weird at all. Not in the slightest.

    I suffer mostly from erectile function.

  2. I know the rejection isn't easy, but the path to anything worthwhile never is. I have confidence. if nothing else, just start emailing Oprah.
    Keep your chin up, it'll happen.

  3. That picture is more than enough to cheer you up. Rejection is never fun, but you'll be a better person for it. Many who go through the self-publishing route never toughen up their skin because they skipped the whole "getting your teeth kicked in" aspect of this business.

  4. I remember rejection... in the days before email. There were some nice comments about my work but that's as far as it got. It's been like this ever since the net book agreement was abolished and book 'sellers' took over the market. If they don't know your name they won't stock your books which of course means publishers won't bother either. Oh dear, you've got me on the soap box again. But there is always eBooks... not to be ignored, Matt.

  5. Good luck with finding a publisher. I look forward to your book coming out and saying "I remember reading his blog way back when".

  6. I have to admit, my mind wandered a little reading this post. For some reason I was picturing a prison getting a huge UPS shipment of Viagra and Vaseline.
    The prison guard who sees the shipment thinks to himself "Maybe this would be a good time to use those vacation days I've been saving up."

  7. I always enjoy what you have to say with your writing, so it isn't you, it's them. They suck. Don't give up hope, brother.

    I'm going to spend all summer writing and not working, so let's stay in touch.

  8. what gets me about those viagara commercials is the wive's being so happy and changing their plans when hubby gets frisky. maybe women are different in the u.s.

    most of the biographies i've read about authors tell of how hard it was to get a foot in the door.

    lots of alcohol and cigarettes seems to be the theme with many writers.

  9. Of course John wouldn't think this post wasn't weird because I was thinking it sounded a lot like him. That's a compliment to both of you by the way. And he seems to be on the same path. Maybe you guys should be each others agents. You both are great writers and definately worthy of a chance. Whatever the outcome, we still love you.

  10. *Sorry, I meant John wouldn't think this post WAS weird. Just got back from visiting a college and my brain is fried.

  11. You need to include this post in your book. Keep track of how many times you get rejected so when you self-publish and you're signing a movie deal, and Hugh Jackman is going to play you in the movie, you can laugh your ass off at all those who rejected you. Then you can send them some Viagara.

  12. Hope you get a publisher soon. I love writing too and did dream of writing a book some day and have it published but in my country, not many like to read. Sad case, worse than being rejected by publisher I guess. Good luck to you.


  14. Weird it may be, but it made my day. Keep at it, keep being that stream. Rejection are just the river stone under your flow. I'm certain there is a publisher somewhere in the delta.
    Miss Hayden looks quite fetching!


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