Paul Effin’ Walker!!!!!

Ah the joys of going to the dentist. It would be a tough call if I had to choose between artificially inseminating miniature farm animals or visiting the wonderful world of dentistry.
Am I anti-dentite? Maybe.
I just find the whole dental process unsavory.
So you will never guess where I went this week?
Excellent conclusion. You are indeed a worthy adversary.
I am at the dentist, sitting in the chair, and the dental assistant (DA) is getting me prepped to have some fillings put in. She has her fingers in my mouth, some hose thingy sucking away what is left of my soul, and then she decided to make small talk. Why do they always want to have a conversation when your mouth is full of foreign objects? For the love of fat bassets, we do not need to discuss the weather while you have my mouth jacked open like some frickin’ stuffed bear on a hunter’s wall.
Dr. Mouth Fun, errrr, the dentist comes in, numbs me up, and the games begin. I can’t feel both sides of my face, and now I have 2 people jamming stuff in and out of my mouth. Insert porn joke here. Good times.
Then the real torture begins.
The DA, who is a young lady, and the dentist, who is a middle-aged guy, begin having a spirited discussion about the merits of “The Fast and The Furious” movies. Specifically, which dude do the ladies find the most attractive?
The dentist asks her if she is a Vin Diesel guy? Or maybe she likes the other guy? You know the one with the really blue eyes?
The DA chimes in, “I like the guy with blue eyes. His name is Ryan. Oh it is on the tip of my tongue. Ryan ... oh what is it?”
This intellectual debate continues for a few more minutes while they are working on my choppers, and I am just screaming on the inside because my ability to speak is severely compromised thanks to the remarkable advances of my dental needs.

His name is Paul Walker!!!!!!!! Can you hear me!!!!! It is not Ryan!!! Did I mention his name is Paul Effin’ Walker!!!!! Ryan Reynolds was not in this movie!!! OMG it is Paul Walker!!! (Yes it is true, my super hero powers are crappy movie knowledge. )

The DA continues. “Oh what is his name. I almost have it. This is driving me nuts.”
Yes, indeed, you are the only going nuts.
Now I am testing my telepathic powers and sending her my brain waves.

How hard is it to get a Paul Walker up in here while I receive the high-quality, state-of-the-art dental care that I deserve?

Mercifully, they move on to another subject, and my blood pressure returns to its normal range for the briefest of moments.
Because then the dentist asks the DA, “My mother-in-law really likes the guy with dark hair that used to play James Bond. What is his name?”
And I know you know that the DA was ready to pounce on the question like a hungry hyena because her area of movie proficiency has to be 007.
“Oh I know who you are talking about. What is his name? It is Frank. Frank something.”
The voices in my head return.

His name is Pierce Brosnan!!!!!!!! Can you hear me!!!!! It is not Frank!!! Did I mention his name is Pierce Effin’ Brosnan!!!!! Frank was not in this movie!!! OMG it is Pierce Brosnan!!

It is Paul Effin' Walker!!!!!!

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.


  1. There is something about a dental visit that undoes one's calm.

    I was in that exact same situation once and the DA was singing tunelessly as they worked. She suddenly stopped her song and asked what the next line was... then tried several different wrong lines to the song. Then she asked me! Like it was possible for me to sing! To this day if you want to make me crazy...just hum that song!

  2. OMG I laughed at this post. Are all dentists like that? I don't have a need for one now, thank the Lord. I couldn't bear listening to all that drivel while I was suffering. Hope you've recovered from the experience.

  3. That was definitely my first laugh of the morning. I hate hearing someone else's conversation when they have no clue who or what they're talking about.

  4. I agree with Jon, what a great way to start my day. Very funny. Glad you finally went to the dentist but sorry you had to put up with such torture, from the people that is, not so much the procedure.

  5. Haha! Great post!
    I think many dentists are sex fiends. I do not know why nor do I know why I felt compelled to tell you that.
    But I do and I did.
    My dentist's office is like a damn harem and they all love "Doc" and many of them have had their breasts enhanced and I just have wonder if he paid for that.

  6. yup, going to the dentist is definitely worse than getting a prostate exam. soon you'll be able verify this conclusion.

  7. That's a stupid conversation I wouldn't want to hear with people poking and prodding in my mouth, sucking out my spit. You're paying for it, right? You should come out to Chicago and go to my dentist where you can put headphones on, watch TV, they give you a massage afterwards, and they give you the gas for the slightest reason.

    Also, I mentioned you in my latest post. Boom!

  8. Good post, felt like I was right there with you at the dentist. I also greatly dislike trips to the dentist.

    If they ever ship you off to Guantanamo...
    "No rough stuff necessary for this guy, just gag him and talk about movies and try to remember actors names."

  9. Dear Lord that was funny. That's just absolute torture.

  10. If Ryan Reynolds was it that piece of crap movie I would have seen it...don't you hate it when people aren't intelligent enough to remember B actors in crappy movies. I mean, really.

  11. haha great story, I am with you shife not a fan of the dentist!


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