Countdown to 40 - Day 7

Somebody reminded me that my post yesterday was a little melancholy. It wasn't my intention but I think I was still feeling crestfallen (yay! I got to use of my favorite words today) after my Mom's birthday. Whatever the case might be I got a little dose of laughter this morning, which I heard might be the best medicine.

The story begins in a galaxy not so far away and I had just laid down Baby Shife for his morning nap. The down time allowed to catch up on some light reading as I took care of business in the bathroom. Well as I was done doing my imitation of a bear in the woods I noticed that there was only a small amount of toilet paper left on the roll. I know I am almost 40 and you would think that I would have learned one of life's most important lessons - Always check the toilet paper inventory before it is deuces wild. I checked for a spare roll in the medicine cabinet but nada. So I am appropriately sh*t out of luck. After making the best out of the limited TP I have at my disposal I am still in need of materials. My options are now to fish some discarded tissues out of the trash to finish the job, beg the fat basset to awaken from his 27th nap of the day and hook a dog owner up, or stand up, clench my cheeks, and waddle to the garage to get another roll of toilet paper.

I decided to go with the clench and waddle approach. A natural choice for sure but there were some logistical problems with my decision. First, I will have to waddle by a huge window that faces our backyard. Second, it is a clear, sunny day and the huge tree in our backyards has not bloomed (do trees bloom?) so no protection and 100% visibility for people looking into our house. Third, no window treatments either. They are ordered and not due for another week or so our old ones are not hanging up. Fourth, our backyard backs up to a school playground. Fifth, did I mention I was taking care of business during recess?

So to recap I am going to clench and waddle by our huge windows during a bright, clear day while upwards of up to 100 school kids are playing near our backyard. Normally the kids do not even notice me if I am in the yard or in the house but I just figured an extremely pale butt devoid of clothing could be something that catches their attention. Well I clenched and waddled as best and quickly as I could and managed to clean myself up, but now I am just paranoid and on the look out for the police to show up at my door to ask me a few questions. Good times.
Talk to you tomorrow.


  1. You have me in stitches!

    Shife... why didn't you wrap a towel around yourself for the waddle-thon? You might have looked weird, but you know they are washable and you would not be looking for the cops.

  2. That's what you guys get for believing there's such a thing as the toilet paper fairy. I have finally managed to educate Husband to that fact after a couple of years of naivety. OH foolish youth!

  3. You couldn't have used one of the pages you already read?

  4. Oh. It's the little things that keep us humble, isn't it?

  5. You know, a jury just ruled a guy was innocent of indecent exposure for something similar, so at least there's legal precedent now.

  6. Ye Gods, you keep toilet rolls in the GARAGE?
    Ditto with the towel idea.... but perhaps not, it wouldn't be half as funny..... whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  7. This was SOOOOOOO much more information than I needed to hear. ROFL


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