Sunday, April 11, 2010

Countdown to 40 - Day 11

They say it comes in threes. First, Tiger Woods. Second, Jesse James. Third, Mr. Shife?

Dear Friends:

I would like to take a moment to announce that I have an addiction, and in an effort to shift the blame from myself to a trendy illness save my lucrative gigs and endorsements the things I hold most dear, I will be entering rehab to deal with what’s behind the fun stuff I have gotten away with until now my transgressions. I realize now that there are other people in the world, not just me, my getting caught behavior has hurt the people closest to me, namely, me. Ouch. You have no freaking idea.


I can only say that I am a horndog human, and humans make mistakes like cheating on their wives with tattooed Nazi freaks who can’t keep their mouths shut. With the help of God, who I hope remembers me, because I haven’t said His name in years without “Dammit” afterward, and the support of my family, who I hope buys all this nonsense about me having a disease, like Diabetes or something, I hope to one day soon be able to return to my favorite strip clubs marriage and career as a better, stronger person with a separate cell phone and a better email password who can make things right and never again get caught with a cocktail waitress lose sight of the most important thing in my life: casual sex with freaky women my family.


I ask for your Playboy Cyber Club login information patience and respect for my privacy during this difficult time. I hope that one day I can once again be that guy you thought maybe you heard about once the man you expect me to be, and that I know I was meant to be: a guy who only cheats with people who have as much to lose as he does, like married mothers of three who don’t want to be in tabloids.


Thank you. And God bless my lawyer you.

7 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Excellent use of the cross-through.
And so true.
Well, I hope it's not really true for the sake of Mrs. Shife AND your ass if you do hope to make it to forty, but true in the sense of it's all a bunch of crap which gets said when men can't keep it in their pants and then (the worst part) get caught.

Mr. Shife said...

It most certainly isn't true Ms. Moon but I just wanted to have a little fun today. Mrs. Shife and I were talking about it the other day and we both find it comical that Tiger and Jesse go to sex rehab. Just a PR move. There are sex addicts but you are right these are just guys that got caught and can't keep it in their pants.

Red said...

I think David Duchovny started that trend.

Phats said...

I thought you were turning 40! haha :) I was like awesome then I read it

I am actually just tired of hearing about all this stuff, not a fan of Tiger, never really was, and people only know Jesse James because of his wife. Now you on the other hand definitely the MOST famous of them all :)

Sorry duke won, UNC going to be any good next year, perhaps a Purdue/UNC big ten/acc challenge?

Megan said...

Ha!

Merely Me said...

My first thought was, "I guess he really named his blog appropriately!" Ha! I read you on my reader and had a really hard time thinking it could be true. It was brilliant though. I also know you have no time to fool around!

Ananda girl said...

Ha! Thanks for the nice piece! (the writing of course) Very well done and highly entertaining.

I agree too... these guys are typical unfaithful types. No illness. No addiction. Just horny and selfish. Not to mention dumber than a rock to think you can be followed by yellow rag writers 24/7 and not get caught.