Tuesday, March 11, 2008

This Isn't Your Mother's Period

Never in my life did I think I would write a blog post with that title.
I ran across this letter today and it might be funnier than a one-legged midget in a butt-kicking contest.
Enjoy.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.


Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?


As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!


The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you **ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.


For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?


Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.


Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX



P.S. If anybody uses Digg, please give it some love http://digg.com/comedy/Letter_to_Proctor_and_Gamble

23 comments:

Penelope said...

That is by far the funniest thing I've seen all day.

-- P

Cecile said...

I back her 100%.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I have an F-16 in my pants too. It's rapid fire, baby! Wait, that's not flattering. I mean, it's a long, hard fire-weapon! Okay, that's a little better, I guess.

Anyway, funny shit. Who writes in about their plumbing products? What a dork!

Big Ben said...

I generally don't buy my hygeine projects based on their slogans, but I do like the commercials where the bear uses toilet paper.

Skiingred said...

I love the wings.

Robyn said...

Can I get an AHEM! It is about damn time someone wrote the moron! Not that I use mini diapers when Aunt Flo comes to visit (god I hate that feeling...)but really was a damn good letter! I have infact printed it out and will post it on the back of the door of the bathroon at work!

I can hear now..the howling coming for the bathroom once they read it!
Great stuff!
Hugs,
Robyn

Jillian said...

Seriously, the wings are fucking great. And "Greys Anatomy" is a damn good show, that guy totally deserved it! :-P

indygal78 said...

lol wings are awesome =)

INNER VOICES said...

nice one man!!! i had cheese read this post and she was cracking up! nice work... and you too have a nice period!!!

Random Chick said...

I, personally, hate the wings. Too many parts and pieces...when I'm on my period, I just want to slap that thing in my panties and be done with it!!

"Have a Happy Period!" The nerve! I'd like to grab ahold of that guy's vas deferens and yank them out his wee wee hole once a month and see how he feels!!! Muwah ha ha ha ha!!!

The Duck said...

hmm, i'm not digging that. not sure why, but apparently my funny bone is not in tune with the rest of your loyal following today.

KnitTech said...

Have a happy period, that's me praying to make it through sixth period math. Oh wait...

billy pilgrim said...

maybe obama can run an ad showing hillary trying to straighten her wings at 3:00am.

Ron, apparently said...

I bet the dude just threw it out,'cos he doesn't give shit whether the bird wants to wear his pad or not, as long as he keeps making his salary. Fat cat twat.
There, I said it.

damon said...

So it's kinda like a fortune cookie? I wonder if there were lotto numbers on the flip side!

Robyn said...

Hey dude...check out the tampoon art from the chick who posted on my post about art. She is the first line...

Mother of 5 I think it says...well whatever she was the first to respond. Go check out her post on tampoon art! Will crack you up dear man!
bunches of squeezes,
Robyn

essentially me said...

The fact that you read that entire letter knowing it was about maxi pads and tampons makes you a cool person in my books.

angel, jr. said...

Someone is a little bit angry.

Blonde said...

um...I didnt even know women still used pads. why would someone walk around with a loaf of bread between their legs when they can just plug the puss and go??

I am back, baby.

The Egg said...

Excellent as always! Hehehe. The period fairy just paid a visit last week and I decided not to have a happy period and bought Tampax Pearl. What the hell was I thinking all these years?! Always was getting good business from me. From now on it's the pearl:) And thanks for not being anal retentive about a woman's menstrual cycle. Some men just freak out over the word. And also thanks for joking about the mood swings:)

Tina said...

ha from looking at the other comments here..I bet you weren't ready to hear which of your readers prefers 'wings' or not - not to worry - i wont entertain happy period thoughts with you ;) hehehhe

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