Friday, February 23, 2007

The World is Full of Stupid People

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
And it is about time that smart people like us (yes, that’s you faithful blog reader) tell the big dummies how we really feel about them. So here are some phrases to help you combat ignorance and try to make the world a better place. Phats I hope you find these especially useful since you must deal with Hoosier fans on a regular basis.

Insults

  • Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission
  • Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
  • Save your breath ...You'll need it to blow up your date.
  • You should learn from your parent’s mistakes - try using some birth control.
  • Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
  • Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice ...
  • Well, they do say opposites attract ... so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
  • I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?
  • You look as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

Put downs

  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
  • You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don't have the film.
  • You! Off my planet!
  • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  • Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?
  • You're the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.
  • I'd like to leave you with one thought ... unfortunately I am not sure you have anywhere to put it
  • This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
  • So now we know why some mammals eat their children ...
Comebacks

Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry

Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.

Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell

Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a Female Impersonator.

Man: Hey there, haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Say, haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the head Nurse at the VD clinic.

16 comments:

Tina said...

Hahaha these are great! Too bad I'm not good at remembering jokes/insults whatsoever. I'm not terribly good with the comebacks so I have to look cute or somethin (ha)

Have a great weekend!

Edmund Dantes said...

Stupid people are everywhere. They breathe our air. We share the roads with them. They have credit. THEY are the reason the home shopping network exists.

Jon said...

Those are great, but unfortunately the only time I'd want to use them would be at work. And for some strange reason, they won't let me.
And you may want to check out this link. It's a page for the Peacemakers at the Live Music Archive. Not sure if you're as into the live bootlegs as I am, but I thought it was cool.

meghansdiscontent said...

I'm going to Hell for laughing at all of those! and secretly wishing I could say them . . . to at least one employee and two family members

ruby rocks said...

wow, the lovely mrs myshkin has used all those insults on me.

thanks for the comebacks.

Design Goddess said...

Oh I get so annoyed with dumb people! Just ask Phats about the "Holly incident" one semester. I was really close to a life sentence! :D

Design Goddess said...

BTW I didn't post about which 'do I chose b/c I haven't chosen one yet! But I need to b/c my hair needs cut badly....but not shave it all off bad, just the regular old "the ends need a little trimming" bad.

Phats said...

Hello Mr Shife!
I got a little nervous after you comment saying I got a shout out, and then it was about stupid people, never fear you had my back all along! haha. I am totally writing all these down and taking them to the Big Ten Tournament, thank you my friend!

I liked this one for the IU fans
Well, they do say opposites attract ... so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

angel, jr. said...

You look as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market---

I laughed so loud and hard, I think I threw up a little into my mouth.

That didn't make sense.

The Duck said...

I chuckled to myself at some of those, I must admit.

Oh, and I hope you checked out the live music archive from my post a while back Shife. But if you haven't, check out jon's link. It's the same thing. I bet you'll find some really good stuff on there.

And yes, I posted the above paragraph mostly to say, "I was first, neener neener". I have no shame.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Yes, but dumb people do give us choice blog fodder.

GrillTech said...

There are so many customers that call the helpdesk that these would work with. To bad the first time I used one it would be on a call that I was QA'd on. That would be very bad.

Nutz On A Roll said...

those were funny...I like: Save your breath ...You'll need it to blow up your date.

I wish I was quick on my toes for comebacks!

girlFPSgamer said...

Hey,I like video games,the tv shows 'lost' and '24',and the moives;'Master and commander'(have you watched 'Gladator',man,that is a good movie),Batman Begins,13th warrior,Brother Where Art Thou and Pulp Fiction(the others I have not watched).

KnitTech said...

There are times when those statements are completely appropriate. Too bad they don't apply to computers.

"You! Out of the gene pool."

The Duck said...

I just got that your post title is a RCPM reference. Just thought I would share my lacking observational skills.