Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Hot Springs Monologue

Now I know it is hard to believe, but quite a few people were not enticed to move to Idaho because of the world famous potatoes. Idaho actually has a few other items of interest that tend to attract people to the 43rd state, and one of them is an abundance of natural hot springs. We have quite a few around here, and Mrs. Shife is always trying to get me to visit another one. Unfortunately, I am still haunted by the memories of our first and only trip to the hot springs. And for the sake of public record, from this point on the hot springs will be referred to as Oh My God! We Have A Clear Unobstructed View of Fat Hairy Naked Men Soaking in A Hot Springs Right Below Us or OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU for short.

It is about a 75-minute drive to get to OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU, and it is located off of a scenic highway that is quite busy because of OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU, sight-seeing, and kayaking opportunities. So we pulled over to park, and the first thing we see is a lady in the middle of the road frantically trying to corral two dogs into her car before they get hit by oncoming traffic. The dogs seem more concerned about sniffing each other’s butt than cooperating with the lady, but finally her shrieks hit the right frequency in canine and they grudgingly got into the car.

So we prepare to hike up a mountain to get to OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU. And do you catch the hike up a mountain part? I don’t know about you but I prefer to avoid mountainous terrain when I hike. As a matter of fact I tend to avoid hiking altogether because it pretty much sucks balls.

After days of hiking … OK maybe it was only 20 minutes but I was going for the made-for-TV-movie dramatic flair. So we make it to OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU, and the place is pretty busy. There is a group of “larger” gentlemen soaking in the bottom area so we head up to the top area and hop in. Well there was a reason why no one else was in the top area because when you look down all you see is Fatty McGee and his tubby band of lard machines flopping around like inebriated whales in the water. And did I mention they were all naked? No clothes, just lots and lots of public nudity.

So if you are keeping score at home: Frenzied dog rescue on busy highway, a hike straight up a mountain, and aerial shots of portly dudes and their junk.

But wait there is more.

In an effort to save my eyesight, I figured it was time to go and we started heading down the mountain. As we made our way down we ran into a gentleman who was storming up like his pubic hair was on fire. He was looking for his dogs and couldn’t find them anywhere. So dude is mad because he can’t find his pups and he has a thick English accent making it even more difficult to understand him. Well guess what? Those two dogs running around down on the road were his and that lady took them. No wonder she had a hard time getting them in her car. But in her defense, she just saw two dogs dodging traffic and was trying to help save them. But to the Englishman who went up the mountain with his ball fur blazing, she just flat out stole his dogs.

So the guy is livid after we tell him what we know, and he stormed off.

So I, Mr. Shife, being of sound mind and judgment declared from that day forward declared that there was no reason for me to ever, ever set foot in the general area of Idaho’s abundant supply of natural hot springs because I evidently transform into a weirdo magnet when I am there.

One day I might change my mind because I really, really love my wife. But for now,
I will just cherish those memories especially the ones of seeing nude dudes pretending they were the main attraction at Sea World.

15 comments:

The Duck said...

I know it's not the same, but there are hot spring fed pools up in the Cascade area where you pay a little bit to go to, but they are delightfully free of fat naked hairy men. I'm not adventurous enough to go find the free variety. Plus, isn't the water scalding hot?

Mr Shife said...

You know I really wasn't that concerned with the water as much as I was with the fat naked jazzercise class for men that was going on down below.

Phats said...

haha nice! I don't think I would go back anytime soon myself. thanks for sparing us the pictures at least.

Did the fella get his dogs back?

Mr Shife said...

I am not sure Phats. I didn't want to stick around and found out. The way that day was going who knows what would have happened.

ruby rocks said...

you've painted a lovely picture. it sounds like the kind of thing i would have enjoyed in my 20's and falling down drunk. maybe even drunk enough to see jesus and john the baptist in the pool.

Blonde said...

MrsShife should make a trade off...you go hiking and she gives you wilderness lovin. I hate hiking, but guaranteed naughtiness in the woods gets me there!!!!

mist1 said...

But do they play naked volleyball? Because, then I'm totally going for my next vacation.

bozette said...

NUDE DUDES now I want to see them.
Hot springs sound good about now.
Idaho never been there.

Ms.DaFarm said...

I totally expected there to be midgets in that story!

Jon said...

Why is it that fat, hairy guys are the only ones who feel comfortable naked in public?
That's definitely reason enough to stay away.

angel, jr. said...

Do you think that if we put some Idaho potatoes in those hot springs, we could have MEGA mashed potatoes. YUM!!!

Ann said...

You are indeed a freak magnet. That is just scary. Now all you need is a llama somewhere in there, and the story is complete.

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Better you than me to have experienced that one. Hope all is well, and sorry for not being able to come around as often.

OldMan said...

Hot springs are wonderful because people of all types enjoy the trip and you usually come away with a story. The Sporty Outdoor types love the adventure and it's an obligation for their I'm sporty badge they can put on their zip off pant/shorts. The couch slug likes the drive up hot springs for an easy, "I'm not lazy" adventure. The young couple likes the short romantic, outdoor day trip. Everyone likes the short adventure unless you come away with some fungus that often spreads rapidly in such environments.
A little story about a hot spring. I once hiked in 6 miles to a hot spring with my sporty friends and was enjoying a great time. Out of the darkness a group of Mountain people, a family of them, came wondering from the dark woods. They did not come from the trail, they just appeared. A Mom, a Dad a thirteen year old daughter and two younger boys. One of the little ones was probably two years young. Anyway they proceeded to get naked and join me and my four buddies in the water. The whole family was in the buck. To make a long story short, the two year old climbed all over us like a jungle gym, uncomfortable. And I had the strange suspicion the father was trying to pimp out the 13 year old daughter or at the very least marry her off. We talked, they passed around a leather bag fashioned out of some animal belly filled with home brew and we ate pieces of roast pork from what appeared to be a raccoon skin bucket-o-chicken. All true except the home brew and drink portion of the story. I love hot springs!

Hot Springs Guy / Brother Hot Springs said...

I hate to say it, but that's what you get for going to that particular hot springs anytime during the day. It's the second most popular hot springs in Idaho. AKA huge Boise nudist hangout. I'll only go super-early so that I have the place to myself. If there's already vehicles in the pullout, I head down the road to one of the many other less crowded options. Besides, the best hot springs are the furthest away from society. So, don't throw in the towel just yet! Try going to a hot springs that is actually in the forest or desert, not the one closest or easiest to reach or most popular.