Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

Actually this is a list of what not to get your significant other on a holiday invented by women and Hallmark.
Did that sound bitter?
Well I might be a little jaded when it comes to Valentine's Day, but I am going to put aside my differences and offer my wisdom to everyone out there.
So here is my list of gifts that should not be purchased on Cupid's big day if you ever want to exchange body fluids with this person again.

  1. Toilet paper
  2. Prune juice
  3. Cleaning supplies
  4. Tampons and/or feminine hygiene products
  5. Weight Watchers consultation or gym membership
  6. Cooking classes
  7. Breath mints
  8. One-way Greyhound bus ticket
  9. Severed head
  10. A Sexually Transimitted Disease
  11. Nothing
  12. Lice
  13. Hair Removal Wax
  14. PMS Relief Pills
  15. Pregnancy Test
  16. Laundry
  17. A casket
  18. Carpenter ants
  19. Deodorant
  20. Adult diapers
  21. Body cavity search
  22. Smoked Pastrami
  23. An "All Aboard" tattoo on your ass
  24. A flesh-eating virus
  25. Frequent & burning urination

And just so you ladies don't feel left out, here are 10 not-so-great ideas for the man in your life.

  1. A shaver for his back
  2. Nose hair trimmer
  3. Penis pump
  4. Premature ejaculation cream
  5. A video of you having sex with his best friend
  6. Another circumcision
  7. Explosive diarrhea
  8. Sex change operation
  9. Tickets to "Brokeback Mountain"
  10. Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits

31 comments:

swedishnurse said...

I could go either way on the cooking classes thing. I love to cook, but I would love to learn some other cuisines. My boyfriend could certainly get me some Thai or French cooking classes. That would be very cool. But if he got me cooking classes because he wants to insult the cooking I already do, that is another story.

All the other things you listed I totally agree with

Design Goddess said...

Good lists. However, as you know, I don't have to worry about giving or receiving a good or bad V-day gift. Yea for me!

Tina said...

Hahaha sooo true - we had a discussion over the weekend about how hard it is to find stuff for guys and it was concluded that this is defintely the woman's holiday - I'll agree ! :p

So for the man...is it ok though, to trim his back and nose hair for him? haha

Phats said...

Oh now you come up with this list hrs AFTER i bought the gifts of toilet paper, tampons, and a weight watchers gift card! D'oh!

missy said...

Don't give him ABBA Greatest Hits either!

meghansdiscontent said...

In the spirit of your explosive diarrhea idea, I bought a male friend some Ex-Lax and Visine. I'm putting them in a heart shaped box. Wonder if he'll like them?? :)


BUT . . what's wrong with ABBA's Greatest Hits???????? Or Wham's Greatest Hits for that matter? Hall and Oates?

If Shifey can love the Hoss, I can keep my bad music (as long as they are hidden among the GOOD music).

She said...

Guys don't want a penis pump for v-day?! That's a revalation to me!!

angel, jr. said...

Barry Manilow should never be a gift for any occasion.

angel, jr. said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SuperSpyGal said...

Valentines Day sucks !!

Thank you.....Have a nice day !

Lordofsnag said...

I once heard of a girl getting a pack of three varity tights for valentines day, that my friends has got to suck bad ass!!!:)

The Scarlett said...

Good list. By the way, I was tramatized by your last post.

mrshife said...

SN -- I meant the cooking classes as an insult, but in the right context I am sure a cooking class would make a nice gift.

DG -- Maybe next year you won't be so lucky.

Tina -- Totally a woman's holiday. Men need a special day too.

Phats -- Hope you have the receipt.

Missy -- ABBA has a few songs that are tolerable especially if you are drunk. But Barry is 100% sucky.

MD -- You can rock out to whatever you want.

Ann -- This is the pump that is suppose to make your penis bigger.

Angel -- Amen.

SSG -- Amen.

LOS -- Amen.

Scarlett -- You were traumatized? You should have seen me.

nicole said...

It would be odd for a guy who probably REFUSES to buy tampons the other 364 days a year to suddenly come home with 'em on Valentine's Day. Maybe he's trying to tell ya something...?

none - ya said...

You should have added ballroom dance lessons to that list. I'm sure there are people out there that LOVE that kind of thing. I'm not one of them.

Rocky (Racquel) said...

soup. you forgot soup. never a good idea unless you look really good dripping in soup.

Sophie T. Mishap said...

I can barely see the screen I'm crying so hard. And by that I mean you are damned funny, budrow!

the_mrs said...

Crap..now I have to take that premature ejaculation lotion back to the store. Do you think Walmart will take returns like that?

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Great list, Shife.

I'll have my commentary on VD (gotta love those initials) up tonight at some point. You can just imagine where it'll be headed with my spiteful ass.

dashababy said...

So what ARE you going to get the mrs. then?
No Carpenter ants? Really? I guess I'm just weird then.

Rocky (Racquel) said...

ryc: the goldfish rock! when I run out of groceries, I can dip into the Shife aquarium. ;-)

I don't think the blog world is ready for the two of us to consult on lists together... hehe

Anti-Blogger said...

I have every single one of those things already.

SuperSpyGal said...

I gave him tickets to Brokeback Mountain...then he wanted to sex change....go figure!

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

One Valentine's Day, I actually had the joy of catching my then girlfriend blowing some random joe at a party. And really, it was the best present ever, since it's saved me from dating and having to buy people shit. Cost effective heartbreak is underrated.

Cupcake said...

"A video of you having sex with his best friend"

Unless his best friend happens to be a hot girl.....

Steph said...

awww you ol romantic you! Mrs shifey is lucky indeed :P

DaMasta said...

I'd rather take nothing than anything on that list.

;)

Scottish Toodler said...

Dang, now I gotta go shopping again... I'd better hurry... wish I'd seen this list earlier!

mona said...

it depends on what kind of laundry I say..if it's recently purchased laundry...that doesn't need to be laundered yet...(not sure if thats even a word...but you catch my drift)

SugarHigh said...

yes, well a man invented bras, panty hose, and corsets, so somehow i don't think we are even yet. LOL!
wow, those are some excellent choses there mrshife. i got a big gas out of the prune juice. see what i did there? teehee

Luke said...

**prints screen**

Thanks!