Monday, February 27, 2006

The Penis Monologues

Hi I am Mr. Shife's penis and he decided to let me tell you how my day went.
And don't worry there are no pictures of me.
I might still be wanted in Canada for an incident involving curling stones and a tour bus full of Celine Dion groupies.

6 am -- Hello, it is me. I am up. Let's go pal. Wakey wakey hands off the snakey. What does a guy gotta do around here to get some service. Fine. 15 more minutes of sleep but that is it.
6:15 am -- Alright Shifey, rock and roll. Hey up there let's go. I got a bladder full of piss and I am stiff as a board. I bet you would wake up if I unloaded this payload. You think I like being up this early? All you have to do is get up, let me do my business and then we can go back to bed.
6:30 am -- Well look who decided to join the rest of world. About time. Man you got some nerve pal. Quit messing around and get to the toilet. I got to go. You think I would get a little more respect around here especially after all the times I came through for you. How many times have I let you down? Once. That's right once. And I was hammered. You drank too much of that whiskey so really it was your fault but you always blame me. Fine. I am sorry. How many times do I have to apologize. Geez.
6:31 am -- Ahhhh, there we go. Sweet relief. Man I remember back in the day I could hold it until about 10 or 11 in the morning. Those were the days. Stay out as late as we want and meet all kinds of nice ladies. Ooops. I mean we just talked to the nice ladies. I forgot Mrs. Shife reads this blog. Yeah. Mrs. Shife nothing to talk about here. Have a nice day. And did I mention how beautiful you looked this morning. You are hot.
6:45 am -- Ummm, hello, cold water equals shrinkage. Turn up the heat in this here shower buddy. Hey you missed a spot, and be careful with the soap. I don't want to get any in my eye.
6:48 am -- Alright dry me off. Hey, hey HEY. Me first then the ass. You know I don't like being second and having you rub that assy smell in my face.
6:52 am -- Seriously do we have to wear the thongs again? They pinch and are not very flattering. Just kidding folks. I'm Mr. Shife's penis, and Mr. Shife's penis does not wear a thong.
7:00 am -- Alright it looks like it is nap time again. Mr. Shife put me away in my cotton cage.
10:30 am -- Hi there, it is take to me for a walk. I got to take care of some business.
10:32 am -- Holy crap. Who dropped off the shit bomb in the bathroom? Hurry up and put me back in the cage. It smells like rotten Indian food in here.
11:45 am --- Oh my God. What did you eat? Jesus. Do you know how close I am to your ass? How about a warning? I am here resting comfortably and then you fart. Very rude Mr. Shife.
12:22 pm -- Knock knock. It is me again and it is time to drain the main vein. At least it smells better in here. Hey gentle there. The grip and rip it approach does not apply to me. You better be treating me right or I might just pop up at a most inopportune time. Oh maybe in a meeting or at the gym shower. That's right buddy I have power. The little head can overtake the big head anytime he wants with a quick flip of the switch.
3:15 pm -- Maybe if you quit drinking all that Mountain Dew and water I wouldn't have to pee so much. Oh you better not take my name in vain. It wouldn't be too funny if you lost bladder control while you were sitting at your desk. Yeah, I can do that too. What are you going to do? Punch me? Choke me? Spank me? Bring it on. You know I like it when you spank me.
3:16 pm -- Did you see that guy's penis? I know we aren't suppose to look at each other when we are in the bathroom but I took a quick peek. That poor guy looks like he got circumsized twice. I know that isn't nice but I have to check out the competition every now and then.
4:02 pm -- Are you gay? I mean if anyone knew how much David Hasselhoff you looked at on the Internet during the day they would be convinced you were a homosexual. Come on go look at Kate Beckinsale or something. This is embarrassing.
5:30 pm -- Bad news. Just heard Mrs. Shife got a visitor. Looks like I will be staying in the garage for a few days. Damn.
8:04 pm -- Would you mind telling that dog of yours that I am not a dance floor. If he wants to sit in your lap great, but can he try a different method that doesn't involve stomping me and the twins down here. Every night we are laying on the couch relaxing and then boom. I think it is a jealousy issue because he lost his balls at the pound.
9:06 pm -- I am calling it a night. I need my beauty sleep. Sleep tight and I wouldn't mind having one of those crazy dreams again. You know the one, you and me at the Playboy Mansion ... where we are protesting against the objectification of woman. I forget that Mrs. Shife reads this again. You think she will buy that load of crap about protesting. Me either. Good night.

38 comments:

Rocky (Racquel) said...

2 questions, Mr. Shife:
a) are you on Australia time? How is it that your post says it's Monday?

b) Who will play your penis in the Broadway production?

nicole said...

I don't even WANT to know how your wing-wong managed to TYPE this thing. Some things are better left unasked. ;)

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Nice to see another guy admitting his penis rules the day.

Any decisions that need to be made, Little Rev makes them. No need for that brain or heart shit.

Tina said...

LMFAAAOOOO Hahahaha I can't stop laughing!!! I have no idea what to say bout this one except ...wow so creative. Now do one with other parts, or would it not be as interesting? LOL I am speechless and good thing the hubby is not home cause I'm not sure how to explain what I'm pissing myself about!!!

Phats said...

This was an insane post, and I am going to admit I couldn't read the whole thing! I did like the wanted in canada though that was hilarious

cranberry said...

i think i woke the neighbours upstairs up laughing so hard.
aaaaahahahaha.

cranberry said...

i agree with Rocky as well, your blog always makes me thinkg it's friday when it's actually thursday and i have another day of work left.
didn't you know that some people use your blog as a calendar.

visitor week is called 'hummer and bummer' week in some people's books. not mine, but i thought i would share that with your blog family.

Pollyanna said...

I think it's very sweet that Little Shife is always thinking of Mrs. Shife. I bet she feels really special. I know I would.

And yeah, what is it with the Hasselhoff thing? Are you, like, related or something?

meghansdiscontent said...

I adore you.
I truly, truly do.
But you got problems.
I need charts to tell you how many problems you have and how they breakdown. :)

WHY can I not stop giggling??

She said...

Thats is so twisted, and wrong. I loved it!

Father of 3 said...

Hilarious, Shife. You've outdone yourself...again!

missy said...

I think it just winked at us!

the_mrs said...

LOL---loved your 5:30 entry :D

mrshife said...

Rocky -- My penis was at the Closing Ceremonies for the Olympics so he was a day ahead.
I am thinking the guy who plays Vic Mackey on The Shield.

Nicole -- I have many hidden talents. Actually he dictates and I type.

Rev -- Penises rule.

Tina -- I am glad you liked it.

Phats -- Well it will be up all week so you have plenty of time to read it.

Cranberry -- My apologies to the neighbors. And sorry about screwing up your days of the week. Blame my penis.

Pollyanna -- It is a long story but basically I had David Hasselhoff week on my blog a few months ago and then a lot of people sent me stuff about him. So it is kind of a running joke to people who have been blogging with me for awhile that I have a crush on The Hoff.

MD -- I would hate to see that chart because I know I have problems.

Ann -- Thank you.

FO3 -- I do my best.

Missy -- Maybe.

The_Mrs. -- Thanks. Me and the penis did not take the news too well though. It is going to be a long week for us.

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Only you could get away with writing an entire post depicting a day in the life of your schlong.

none - ya said...

When your penis talks to you, does it have a manly voice, or is it a girly mon voice? Inquiring minds want to know.

DaMasta said...

Wow. I had no idea that they didn't like soap.

lilly said...

wow, I must say that was the most interesting post I have ever read... I always wondered what a guys penis thought about! LOL

Denise said...

Oh. My. Gawd.

That was the funniest thing I have read in a loooong time!!!! Thank you for the laugh...I needed it.

You ought to write a book...or a screenplay....SOMETHING!

SuperSpyGal said...

ROFLMAOOOOOOO ~ I'm speechless and in awe of your creativity...well.. I suppose it's not really YOUR creativity as much as it's your penis'...but either way, it was HYSTERICAL !

madame P said...

your penis has quite an attitude !!! what a drama queen !!!!

dashababy said...

Hilarious!

mrshife, my husband is also addicted to the Dew. Now he puts in the freezer so it's like a slushie drink. He loves it.

Nate said...

What kind of visitor are we talking about, dare I ask?

coloradohurricane said...

I think the Hoff would make a good Shif's Penis in the Broadway production.

mrshife said...

Laurie -- Well anyone could write about my penis but I don't think anyone else understands him like I do.

Mack -- Mrs. Shife and I actually had this conversation. Seriously. I chose an Australian accent.

Damasta -- Soap is good but not in a certain area.

Lilly -- I imagine every guy's penis is different but that is what mine is thinking these days.

ME -- Thanks. I have been working on a book for years. I am still on the second chapter. And I did get accepted to a film school to study screenwriting but other things happened.

SSG -- I am glad you liked it.

Madame P -- He is such a drama queen.

DB -- That is a good idea.

Nate -- The once-a-month kind of visitor.

CH -- You are right. The Hoff would make a good penis. You think he would shave his head for the part?

SugarHigh said...

AWESOME!
i can't believe no one did this before. Quick slap some rights on that penis and take it on the road!

angel, jr. said...

I wish my penis could talk.

Dirk the Feeble said...

Your penis and my penis should hang out some time.

I mean that in as heterosexual a way as possible.

Cupcake said...

I've known many peni (is that plural for penis?) that have had major issues with size and would obsess about it daily. I noticed yours did not. That's good to know.

mona said...

What I don't get is why your penis admitted to wearing a thong and then pretended he/it doesn't..I have a feeling the whole little mind over small mind may be a sham and the small is still able to censor...bou!

Scottish Toodler said...

LMAO!!! This was one of your finer pieces, or penises, or something!!! Anyhow, still LOL that rocked!!!!!! You rule!!!!

White Dade said...

You are one sick, sick bastard.

Pehrpas you should just give your penis its own blog, since he seems to have so much to say and probably has better stories. "Confessions of a Dumb, White Penis," perhaps?

LBseahag said...

wow...lucky Mrs. Shife to be along for the ride

The Phoenix said...

That is classic!

I actually felt a twinge of pain with the "soap in my eye" remark. Ouch.

leo myshkin said...

what causes more shrinkage to mr shife's penis, celine dion or ice cold water?

Sophie T. Mishap said...

Oh my dear GOD! That SO helps me to understand men. Seriously, that was like a public service announcement.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, the whole "eye" thing is pretty weird huh? It's really more of a mouth isn't it? I mean, how many things can spit out of their damn eye besides that one lizard thing I can't remember the name of right now that squirts blood out of its eye...

It does have the cool name of Willy the One-Eyed Wonder Worm though. There's your stupid random comment for the day. Enjoy

Luke said...

I just don't know what to say. I think this posts speaks for us all.