Thursday, February 16, 2006

Lost in Translation

I believe I have discovered something that will become man’s newest best friend.
It is a woman translator.
You just type in a word and the translator tells you exactly what your woman is thinking.
Here are some examples.

Word: Fine
This is the word that a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels that she is right about but needs to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Word: Five minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that a man’s football game is going to last before he takes out the trash.

Word: Nothing
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Word: Go ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Word: Go ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Word: Loud sigh
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Word: Soft sigh
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Word: That's okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some deep shit.

Word: Please do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Word: Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Word: Thanks a lot
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

24 comments:

She said...

Yep. That's pretty accurate.

nicole said...

I've always loved this one. :)

Dammit, I was so CLOSE to being the first commentor again!

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Brilliant--"Nothing" for sure is dead on the mark.

cher said...

those are great photos, by the way. Mrs.Shife is very beautiful! I hope you guys had a great Valentine's Day!

Phats said...

AWESOME! haha

Keep up the good work shife

missy said...

This is the second post this week about what women really mean!

gosh, we are so damn cryptic eh? ;-)

Laurie (aka buggy) said...

Ohmygod this is brilliant and needs to be sent to men worldwide.

bozette said...

You got that right.

meghansdiscontent said...

This is like Trix's post.
I love it, laughing my butt off.
But does it mean I'm not a woman if these things are NOTHING like what I mean when I say them???

angel, jr. said...

I'm still not completely getting it and still a little confused. I think a picture book might have helped.
The last one I was with didn't have the original instructional manual and the warranty had been long expired.

Cupcake said...

Shifey- you can have all the translators in the universe, all the books in Barnes & Noble and all the Dr. Phil's on the planet and you will NEVER figure us out. I do admire your persistance, however.

That's okay, it's fine. Go ahead.

madame P said...

where did you get this ??? we should give an award to whoever came up with this ...

hahaha

Vince said...

I hate Loud sigh, and its gratingly annoying cousin, Whatever.

mona said...

Shife, now you need to advise men on how to avoid these situations, trust me we don't like having to do the loud sigh anymore than you like hearing it...

Sophie T. Mishap said...

Sweet!

SuperSpyGal said...

Now if only men would study this, there would be absolutely NO problems in relationships

LOL

leo myshkin said...

i long ago gave up trying to understand women. i go by the old adage, it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

SugarHigh said...

LMFAO!
The sad thing is that even though you have the translator, you will most likely still fuck up. Face it man, you are the weaker species. Once you admitt it (outloud preferably), life will become so much easier.
:)

Twisted said...

You can understand what women say when they speak??? I just did not think it was possible!

Jon said...

They should hand you this the moment you say "I do".

White Dade said...

You also forgot about unfinisehd sentences. That, I guess, is more the single man's translator. Like "I don't want a relationship right now," which really means, "I don't want a relationship right now WITH YOU." Thank you, Tom Leykis.

none - ya said...

Wow! How true. Us women really are crazy aren't we? I love us!

Rocky (Racquel) said...

*sigh*

tee hee

Scottish Toodler said...

A good one for VD week!!!