Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Learning is Fun!!!

First off, thank you all for your concern about my liver's well-being. My liver has checked into a rehab facility and I expect to see him back in about 28 dys.
Now on to more important things.
Here are some things I have learned in my 30-plus years.
  • Don’t go looking for love it will find you. Unless of course you have an insatiable appetite for hookers, then you can have love anytime you want.
  • There is never, ever, any reason Icy Hot should be in the vicinity of genital land.
  • Parents are not as dumb as you think, but it is still fun trying to sneak stuff by them.
  • Dogs are pretty cool, but a wife is a man’s best friend.
  • There is never, ever any reason to abuse an animal.
  • People who drive faster than you are idiots, and the people who drive slower than you are morons.
  • Making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
  • You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
  • Money doesn't buy class but it sure seems to buy a lot of professional athletes a free pass in our judicial system.
  • A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
  • Appearances can be deceiving especially if you just split a fifth of Jagrmeister with your roommate.
  • Idolizing a washed up celebrity like David Hasselhoff is never the best option but sometimes you just have to deal with the cards you are dealt.
  • Laugh often and laugh at yourself.
  • Seriously where the hell do those missing socks go in the dryer?
  • I am not perfect, but if I was I would be pretty damn boring.
  • It may feel like it, but the world is not going to end because your team lost the big game.
  • You can’t take it with you, but I am pretty sure I don’t what you to have it either.
  • Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless you married Star Jones.
  • Life is not like a Jackie Chan movie. For example, it does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors
  • Life is not like a porno. For example, if a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
  • "It is easy to make a buck. It is a lot tougher to make a difference."
    "Help others get ahead. You will always stand taller with someone else on your shoulders."
  • Life is short, so make sure your dash is worthwhile.
  • “Casablanca” might be the finest movie ever made.
  • Men really need some to invent a relationship translator. What do you really mean when you say “Do whatever you want.”
  • The only thing consistent about weather forecasts is that they are wrong.
  • Loose bowels and lifting weights is not a winning combination.

34 comments:

LBseahag said...

Amen to making a life vs. making a living...

so guess being on stage is not possible for me...and you marrying hoff for his nest egg is...

Phats said...

This is a great list!!

Icy Hot is good for clearing up the sinus'

Cupcake said...

whoa. deep.
Lucky Mrs Shife.
Can we just settle for laughing at you?
Very insightful on the midget comment.
yes, Casablanca IS the finest movie ever made.
"Do whatever you want" means "You better do what I want or your left testicle will be missing its partner by morning"

Denise said...

So...what does it say about a man when he dangles tangled Xmas lights off his Icy Hot covered penis while lifting weights and Shatnering on the floor?

Katina Cloud said...

I laugh at myself A LOT!! LoL

And somehow my missing socks end up in Roxie's crate. WTF

Jon said...

Jaegermeister and I no longer mix. Ever. It was a marriage made in hell, right from the beginning. You know, my head hurts just thinking about it.

missy said...

"You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

Also, I want to add- assembling an Ikea furniture.

Anonymous said...

You forgot 'If your spouse or girlfriend reads your blog, you always have to say something nice about them".

Father of 3 said...

How about: Cartoons of Muhammad... not worth it.

Anti-Blogger said...

Ice Hot AND chainsaws...bad..very bad to have around the genitals. Don't ask me how I know.

mrshife said...

LB -- Anything is possible.

Phats -- I will take your word on that one.

Cupcake -- Thanks for the clarification of the "Do whatever you want" comment.

ME -- Big trouble.

Nutty -- Laughter is the best medicine.

Jon -- I am the same way.

Missy -- I will have to put that in version 2.0. Thanks.

Anon -- Until you identify yourself I don't have to do a damn thing you tell me.

FO3 -- Yes, a good one, but the list was compiled prior to the cartoon disaster.

AB -- You are correct as usual, and I won't ask ... yet.

Scottish Toodler said...

These were awesome!!!! BTW, "do whatever you want" means "you better do what I want you to or I will be mad at you for years and spit in every martini I make you." Oh oops- just saw Cupcakes and hers is much better!!!

angel, jr. said...

The anon was me. I don't know why it put me as anonymous. Must have been misdirected.
And you don't have to do anything I tell you to, after all I'm not your Daddy!

mrshife said...

ST -- You and Cupcake have showed me the light.

Angel -- Thanks for clarifying. I actually thought it was someone else but I am glad to know it was you.

the_mrs said...

I learned something new today....thank you. ;)

On another note, I had no idea you were old...I MEAN, over 30....

The Future said...

Excellent post, those really were some true nuggets of wisdom, especially the "its easy to make a buck" quote.

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Amen on the IcyHot.

In a drunken dare one time, I put Vicks VaporRub on my nuts. And Hell followed with it.

mrshife said...

The_Mrs. -- I write young.

The Future -- There are definitely some nuggets in there.

Dirk the Feeble said...

Did your wife make you put in the fourth one, about man's best friend?

SuperSpyGal said...

I was in a turf war once down in the hood with my homies...the other peeps came at us all at ONCE...I was like, "whoaaa dawg, this isn't how it goes down in the Jackie Chan movies"

mrshife said...

Armaedes -- Yes. She held the dog hostage.

SSG -- Then you kicked their ass anyway.

White Dade said...

DSude, Icy hot on the genitals is the best! You are sooooo missing out.

Vince said...

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.

Dude, I did some major soul-searching with this one. Good call.

SugarHigh said...

Bravo, Shife man. You get brownie points for the man's best friend bit. I too would like to know where the hell those socks go, and why do i still having the lone sock in my drawer. It's just sad.
Your three things:rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas lights point is brilliant. how do you handle those three things?

leo myshkin said...

as john belushi said, your liver is a muscle. it needs exercise.

dashababy said...

Your wisdom for your age astounds me.
Good one Matt.

mrshife said...

White Dade -- Been there done that. I will let you younger dudes experience that madness.

Vince -- Made you think.

Sugar -- I know. I have a drawer full of single socks waiting to be reunited with their cotton friends.

Leo -- Then my liver is ready for a triathlon.

DB -- I have my moments.

mona said...

loved your list- you rock mr shife :)

Blonde said...

I think Quincy would be crushed if he could read that he is not your best friend :(.

Money does NOT buy class. You were 100% right with that one!

Design Goddess said...

Again, a stellar list. Does your wisdom ever end??

Rocky (Racquel) said...

Somehow I'm stuck with the mental image of Star Jones wearing one of your socks while trying to battle an Icy Hot-crazed Jackie Chan.

PS if you elicit a 'do whatever you want', you have probably already pissed her off by asking something ridiculous, so it's time to think about offering to do the dishes...

meghansdiscontent said...

What would we do without you, Shifey??

Luke said...

These were knock out drag out funny. YOU should produce some of the Superbowl commercials.. then at least.. I'd have liked more than 1.

nicole said...

Wow, you are my best for listing item #5. Completely and totally agreed.

And the one about a wife being a man's best friend was so AWWW!