Now on to more important things.
Here are some things I have learned in my 30-plus years.
- Don’t go looking for love it will find you. Unless of course you have an insatiable appetite for hookers, then you can have love anytime you want.
- There is never, ever, any reason Icy Hot should be in the vicinity of genital land.
- Parents are not as dumb as you think, but it is still fun trying to sneak stuff by them.
- Dogs are pretty cool, but a wife is a man’s best friend.
- There is never, ever any reason to abuse an animal.
- People who drive faster than you are idiots, and the people who drive slower than you are morons.
- Making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
- You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
- Money doesn't buy class but it sure seems to buy a lot of professional athletes a free pass in our judicial system.
- A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
- Appearances can be deceiving especially if you just split a fifth of Jagrmeister with your roommate.
- Idolizing a washed up celebrity like David Hasselhoff is never the best option but sometimes you just have to deal with the cards you are dealt.
- Laugh often and laugh at yourself.
- Seriously where the hell do those missing socks go in the dryer?
- I am not perfect, but if I was I would be pretty damn boring.
- It may feel like it, but the world is not going to end because your team lost the big game.
- You can’t take it with you, but I am pretty sure I don’t what you to have it either.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless you married Star Jones.
- Life is not like a Jackie Chan movie. For example, it does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors
- Life is not like a porno. For example, if a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
- "It is easy to make a buck. It is a lot tougher to make a difference."
"Help others get ahead. You will always stand taller with someone else on your shoulders."
- Life is short, so make sure your dash is worthwhile.
- “Casablanca” might be the finest movie ever made.
- Men really need some to invent a relationship translator. What do you really mean when you say “Do whatever you want.”
- The only thing consistent about weather forecasts is that they are wrong.
- Loose bowels and lifting weights is not a winning combination.