Wednesday, January 27, 2010

What Brought You Here Today? - The 2010 Version

They might go down in history as one of the greatest combinations ever. Like frank and beans. Jamba Juice and ice cold diarrhea. Herpes and irreversible guilt. Tiger Woods and golf, errr, sex, errr, sex rehab. Pants and the ground. French and ticklers. Lady Gaga and transvestite jokes. And WTF keywords and my blog. These special little words that people type in their search engines and that leads them to my little Internet hacienda.
Well since I had so much fun doing it last year I thought I would revisit my web stats to see what words were bringing folks to my blog.
So here we go again ...

Some of you have me bookmarked and just like to stop by and say hello (or Merhaba for my Turkish blogging friends) because you think I am a pretty cool dude.
So hey you, how's it going? I hope you are a having a super day. And I am doing great - thanks for asking.
However, not all of my visitors find this dumb, white guy so easily. They actually Google certain words and my blog appears before them like magic. {Cue "The Final Countdown"}
Some of the keywords people use to find themselves in this part of the cyberspace is quite unusual. And I might be mistyping disturbing when I say unusual.
Personally I sleep better at night knowing that if someone is searching for the top 10 most inappropriate boners or gay swamp butt they are going to find me. But then again I might just be sleeping great at night since the blue devil rode into my life. It is amazing what 47 ounces of Nyquil (or Nyquil for my Turkish blogging friends) will do to you. {Alright enough with "The Final Countdown"}
It is also nice to know that through my humanitarian blogging efforts I can supply people with the information they are desperately craving. I might be getting a little ahead of myself here but can you smell what Mr. Shife is cooking? That is right. Hello Nobel Prize. (2010 update: Still no Nobel Prize)
Below is a list of the recent keyword activity for this blog ranked in order of their popularity, and you definitely notice a trend on some of the topics I write about.

1. inappropriate boners
2. most outrageous facebook status
3. flammable
4. dumb monologues
5. wonderbread challenge
6. pics of janet jackson butt
7. janet jackson super bowl
8. outrageous facebook statuses
9. gay swamp butt
10. nick carter eye fuck
11. david hasselhoff puppies
12. i'm getting too old for this wav file murtaugh
13. inappropriate boner pitchers
14. dumb facebook status
15. wonder bread challenge
16. dog sledding who is the hoff
17. i'd like to say i never thought it would end this way but i always knew i would be falling to the earth dressed as abe lincoln holding a purple dildo
18. free falling to my death holding a giant purple dildo
19. inappropriate erections
20. hasselhoff puppies
21. dumb white guy
22. always pads
23. stripes they call me francis
24. wearing sisters thong stories
25. peter heater
26. inappropriate erections cure
27. janet jackson superbowl
28. book of eli soundtrack
29. journal highlight hair
30. toodler penis problems
31. thong confessions
32. outrageous facebook status
33. furry eriction writing
34. inappropriateboners.com
35. the murtaugh list
36. captain random furry
37. freddy krueger
38. dr toysr @yahoo.com –
39. toys r us
40. dumb facebook statuses
41. freddy cougar tattoos
42. dumbwhiteguy.blogspot
43. boners in thongs
44. how to get white guys out of your room
45. fredy couger tattoos
46. peter heater knitting
47. dave chappell as rick james
48. facebook status dumb status
49. mexican anecdote
50. anti dr phil
51. dogs are forever in the push up position what does this mean

Just like Derek Zoolander who is famous for a series of poses which are devastating, and have evocative names such as "Blue Steel", "Le Tigre," and "Ferrari," Baby Shife has been working on his poses. We like to call this one "The Bunga."



And for Random Chick, who asked me to do this: Then put on your blog the product, who makes it (follow the trail of who owns which companies), and the ingredients (find out what those things are that are in your product that you can't pronounce). Find out who REALLY makes the product, and what the ingredients are REALLY. You might be surprised. Then pick five other bloggers who will do the same thing.

Product: Kraft Sun Dried Tomato Vinaigrette
Manufacturer: Kraft Foods-> Revenue $41 BILLION (2008 figures)
Ingredients: Water, Vegetable Oils (Canola Oil and/or Soybean Oil and Olive Oil), Vinegar, Sugar, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Salt, Contains less than 2% of Italian Style Cheese (Part-skim Milk, Cheese Culture, Sale, Enzymes), Garlic, Spice, Dried Garlic, Xanthan Gum, Dried Red Bell Peppers, Lemon Juice Concentrate, Dried Onions, With Potassium Sorbate and Calcium Disodium Edta As Preservatives, Oleoresin Paprika, Sulfiting Agents.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

At The Movies

I am not sure if it is evident or not to those who visit my blog but sports - playing and watching - are a big part of my life. Sometimes my competitive nature gets the best of me when it comes to sports and I get a little upset if my team loses or if I have a bad day at the ball field. Well I had a dissatisfactory day recently watching one of my teams play and concluded enough was enough. I decided to take a break from watching sports for a bit. It hasn't been as bad as I thought but I didn't completely comprehend how much sports I watched until nothing was on TV. So this past weekend I decided to watch a movie or 10. And yes I do have a bit of an obsessive-compulsive thing going on. I had to make it 10 because that was a nice even number.
  1. What Happens in Vegas - It is cheesy but it makes Mrs. Shife laugh so it gets a big thumbs-up from me because I love watching her giggle out loud.
  2. Point Break - Nothing captures the awesomeness of Keanu Reeves and his acting chops like this cinematic masterpiece.
  3. Sixteen Candles - I had not seen this one in a long time and it holds up pretty well for being 25 years old. Farmer Ted cracks me up, and who doesn't love Long Duk Dong.
  4. Step Brothers - This is pretty much a movie for guys, and this guy loves it. So many great lines. "I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers"
  5. Seven Pounds - It may have some flaws but the message is a good one. It did make me blubber like a baby because the story line did touch a little too close to home for me.
  6. Big Fan - Very dark comedy about a guy obsessed with his favorite team, and the lengths he will go to be a fan.
  7. The Book of Eli - I liked it. There was one part of the movie I thought was a little ridiculous but I will not give away too many details since some of you may not have seen it yet.
  8. The Hurt Locker - Very intense movie which has received a lot of awards and praise. I hate knowing that before I watch a movie because my expectations are set way too high and then I am ultimately disappointed in the film which was the case with this one.
  9. The Goods - It had potential but it seems like they mailed it in after the first 15 minutes. It did have one line that resonated, "Falling to my death, dressed as Abe Lincoln, holding a big, purple dildo! This is how I drew it up."
  10. Vision Quest - Released in 1985, the movie doesn't hold up too well, it has some contunity errors, but I watched it numerous times in high school and college to help get my mind right before a wrestling match. I also loved the soundtrack. I could relate to Louden Swain because I always had to cut weight and I did a lot of the things he did to lose the pounds.
So to borrow from my blogging buddy Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, please tell me dear readers about a motion picture you have seen recently? Or you can just tell me how much trouble I am in when the little dude starts walking? It should not be too long before he is moving by advancing the feet alternately so that there is always one foot on the ground in bipedal locomotion.

And here he is taking a ride in his dump truck. I love that smile and I just wonder how much it is going to cost me at Toys R Us when he is older.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Rookie Dad Journal Highlights (December)

December 1 – Daddy daycare goes into lock down. The first child safety gate has been installed in the house. I give the gate about 7 days before the wildcat tears it a new one.

December 2 – It took Baby Shife about 2 seconds to change the voice mail greeting on the phone, and then it took me about 10 minutes before I figured out how to change it back to our normal message. Good times.

December 3 – Baby Shife and I went to the mall to get a start on our Christmas shopping.

December 4 – Nothing like being greeted in the morning from a visit from the mud butt fairy. Baby Shife thought it would be fun to test to the holding power of his Huggies and my son’s poop won.

December 6 – We are getting the Christmas tree today. How long the tree survives in the house will be the key as I am sure Baby Shife will be plotting his strategy on how he can get his little hands on all of those shiny ornaments.

December 7 – Somebody has learned how to make themself taller. Baby Shife has been climbing on top of some of his toys so he can get to these things higher up on the shelves. You know stuff that he is not supposed to get into.

December 8 – I watched him stand up all by himself in the middle of the kitchen for about 5 seconds. I think he could have lasted longer but I think he realized that nothing was supporting and kind of had a “Holy Cannoli” moment and fell down.

December 9 – Baby Shife touched snow for the first time today. Didn’t seem that interested.

December 10 – Another blowout on Interstate Baby Shife. There was mud all over the road. Not a pretty picture.

December 11 – Baby Shife and I sat down and had breakfast together for the first time. Usually I just feed him but today he nibbled on Cheerios and a rice cracker while I had a breakfast sandwich and some hot tea. The conversation was a little one-sided but it was really nice to sit down with my boy and enjoy the morning.

December 12 – I definitely had Baby Shife withdrawals today. He went over to his Aunt’s house at 1 and he came home about 6:30 but I was out running errands and when I did get home he was already in bed. So I will not get to see him until tomorrow morning when he gets up for the day. I miss my baby.

December 13 – Baby Shife got to experience the madness of Christmas at the mall. It actually isn’t that bad when you have a stroller and just push your way through the crowds. For the most part people get out of your way.

December 14 – Baby Shife needs a better high chair. The current one does not have much of a tray and so most of the sweet potato puffs and Cheerios he tries to shovel in his mouth end up on the floor which makes a certain husky basset very happy.

December 15 – I went back to Toys R Us and decided to return Baby Shife’s Christmas presents and get him some different stuff. He also got a new high chair with a better tray that seems to work out better when he is enjoying his Cheerios. The fat basset is a little disappointed because not as many Cheerios are plunging to their death and into his mouth.

December 16 – In the last 5 years before Baby Shife arrived on the scene I could probably count on two hands how many times I had been to Wal-Mart and Toys R Us. Now I swear we hit one of those places at least weekly. Amazing how things change when you become responsible for a little person.

December 19 – Baby Shife went out to dinner with us and Aunt and Uncle to celebrate her graduation from college. He polished off 2 rice crackers and made everyone giggle with his laughs.

December 20 – Baby Shife might have made his first joke today. He was playing with Quincy’s tail and I told him to be careful of the fat basset’s muffler because it was yucky. Then immediately we heard the little man say something that sounded an awful lot like “No Da Da’s Is.” It might have been complete baby gibberish or he could have been ordering Chinese but that is what Mrs. Shife and I thought we heard.

December 21 – Baby Shife pointed at me today while Mrs. Shife was holding him. It is the first time I have seen him to do that.

December 22 – Baby Shife sported his Santa outfit and went to Mommy’s company Christmas party. He was voted most adorable. I think he also picked up the stinkiest diaper award.

December 23 – I don’t know if it is a coincidence or not but ever since I let Baby Shife play with my Blackberry they have been having problems with their service. Never underestimate the power of Pampers.

December 24 – Baby Shife sat on the piano bench and banged on the keys for a few minutes. He seemed to like it but then again he also likes shoving Quincy’s tail into his mouth. And we got to wrap up the little man’s first-ever Christmas presents.

December 25 – Merry Christmas. Baby Shife didn’t take much interest in his presents until after they were unwrapped and available for his entertainment. All in all, baby’s first Christmas was very low-key and not too exciting which makes it just about perfect.

December 26 – Santa also decided to give Baby Shife his first rug burn. He was playing with his new dump truck and it got away from him as he was hanging on. So the little man picked up a nice little holiday memento on his chin when he fell on the carpet.

December 27 – Let’s see … 4 dogs, 4 cousins, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 1 great aunt, 1 grandpa, and 1 grandma coming down today to partake in holiday festivities – allegedly – but I think they just want to see the baby.

December 28 – I don’t think Baby Shife has touched the floor since everyone has arrived.

December 29 – You know what they say about best laid plans … well we had a family portrait planned at 4 but somebody decided it was nap time and slept through it. We finally had to wake him up so we could the picture taken before it was too late.

December 30 – Captain Caveman made an appearance today. He ripped out one of his crib slats this morning and was playing with it in his crib after his nap.

December 31 – New Year’s Eve and somebody is 9-months-old today. Happy New Year


Here is a picture of somebody in a new fancy sweater he got for Christmas (he thought it went well with the bruise he picked up on his forehead), and here is a link to his 9-month-old-video if you want to see the little man in action, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlklhHDO77k


Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Random Acts of Shifeness

Well howdy. Happy New Year! Hope the holidays treated you well and please enjoy the randomness.
  • Quick recap of Christmas at the Shifley household: Very low key and uneventful. Baby Shife acted like it was just another day. I imagine he will be a little more excited about it next year. Mrs. Shife and I did enjoy the day however because it was pretty awesome spoiling our little man.
  • Yee-haw ... Chillaxin' is dead!!!!!!!
  • Will someone please take "Jersey Shore" off the air? Otherwise I will have to explain to people why I am watching this train wreck of a show. I don't want to watch but I do believe the show has toilet snaked my soul and it is out of my hands.
  • Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
  • Baby Shife had his 9-month-old check up and we need to fatten up the little man. He is 27 inches tall but only weighs 16 pounds so the good doctor says we need to beef him up.
  • Google "Where is Chuck Norris" and click I'm Feeling Lucky
  • The fat basset's New Year's resolution was to grow opposable thumbs so he could break into the pantry and decide for himself how much food is too much. He was also going to make more time to stop and smell the butts.
  • I love going into stores that have automatic doors. It makes me feel like a Jedi. I can't wait till Baby Shife is older and I can show him my powers.
  • Do you find it interesting that after Monday (M) and Tuesday (T), the rest of the work week is WTF? Just something to think about.
  • Check out this video from the one and only Random Chick, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKyPaFWSdTo. It answers the age-old questions, "What is stupid?"
  • Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away.
Have a good week.
And I didn't forget. Here is a picture of the official spokesbaby of the Dumb, White Guy blog on Christmas day with one of his new toys ...