Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Random Thoughts

This is going to be a little disjointed as I am just trying to get the cluttered mess out of my head and onto paper. I know everyone is wondering if I am doing OK, and for the most part yes I am. But I miss my mom terribly and sometimes I don’t know how to deal with that pain. Sometimes it is sleep or a starry night or a walk with the fat basset or holding hands with my beloved wife or just crying. It helps to ease the hurt but the world has not stopped spinning because of my sadness. As time pushes me forward I am finding this to be the most difficult week of all. It has been a month since she passed, and the anger is starting to surface. It could be a combination of a few things forming to create this fury but it is there and I have to deal with it. I think I am just mostly angry because I just want one more day with her or even one more hour. I look around and see people who don’t know how lucky they are to be able to call up their mom or go visit or be with her. I see people who don’t even care if their parents are alive or dead. I know I am looking at my scenario with an extremely narrow focus because minus the heartache I am in a pretty good situation with my life. I need to concentrate on that but it is hard. Much harder than I thought. I thought I was handling it pretty well but I guess I was fooling myself. What’s next? I don’t know. I really don’t. I have always wanted to do more with my life in the humanitarian sense. I need to find that path because I know it will bring me great joy and comfort to help others, and I definitely want to do it in honor of my mother because she was a compassionate soul who cared for so many. I am hoping she can show me the way. I don’t plan on running off to Africa or anything like that, but I would like to find a cause where I can donate my time or services to help make someone’s life a little better. And before I forget, thank you to each and everyone one of you who have been there for me and my family. Your words and actions are greatly appreciated. I have also included words to a song I recently heard by a band called Daughtry (http://myplay.com/videos/daughtry/what-about-now/). Music can be interpreted in so many ways but to me it helps me think of that tiny little lady who gave me so much and I thank my lucky stars that she was my mom.

"What About Now"

Shadows fill an empty heart

As love is fading,

From all the things that we are

But are not saying.

Can we see beyond the scars

And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.

And open up to

The ways you made me feel alive,

The ways I loved you.

For all the things that never died,

To make it through the night,

Love will find you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes

To start a new day.

This broken heart can still survive

With a touch of your grace.

Shadows fade into the light.

I am by your side,

Where love will find you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love, it never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

Now that we're here,

Now that we've come this far,

Just hold on.

There is nothing to fear,

For I am right beside you.

For all my life,

I am yours.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

Baby, before it's too late,

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Thank you

I would like to thank everyone for their support and comfort during this very dark time of my life. I have never officially met any of you but I do consider all of you my friends. It makes me feel very special that you took the time to express your condolences to this dumb, white guy. It will mean more than you will ever know.

It has been two weeks now since I lost my mom, and it is still very difficult at times. I just miss her so much and there are so many things I see or do every day that remind me of her. I know time heals all wounds but this one is going to take a long time. I had a special bond with my beloved mother and she was always there for me. That void in my life will never be filled and that is what hurts the most. I am reassured to know that she is at peace now and I also know she is in a better place. But it still hurts when you were not ready to say good bye yet.

If there is one thing I could pass along to anyone who read this blog it is this: Please don’t take anything for granted. You just never know. I talked to my mom on Sunday and the next day she was gone. Life is so short and so precious that you must live every day like it is a gift. I know it is a cliché and it is definitely easier said than done. It is so simple to get wrapped up in all the bull shit that is life, but if you can, and I know you can, try really, really hard to live out your dreams and do those things that you have been putting off. Find the joy in life & enjoy the heck out of it.

Anyway this blog will be back up and running some day with more uplifting topics but right now I am just going to take some more time to mourn one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I love you mom and thank you for giving some of the greatest gifts I will ever now.

Take care everyone and I will see you online soon.

Matt

Monday, July 07, 2008

Everything changes

I have experienced pain before. Be it a broken bone or a broken heart but I have never experienced anything like this before.
It was sudden and no one start it coming.
My mom passed away on July 1, 2008.
For everything I am today, My mother’s love showed me the way. She was always there when I needed her to comfort and to care. She will always be in my thoughts and her love will follow me everywhere. Thank you for all you've done and given so generously so I can have the blessed life I live today. I love you, my wonderful mother.


Hello there mom it's only me
The oldest one of the three
You brought me up to be strong
Always taught me right from wrong
Even when you'd scream and shout
And thought I was acting out
I know you cared
Without a doubt
Even when you had your fears
You never let us see your tears
Thank you mom for looking after me
And the granddchildren you may not see
I know that we will meet again
Love forever until then