Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday's finds

#1 - I’ll take Meat Pants for $600 Alex



Any guesses on the picture?
Well my friends that is brief jerky. That’s right underwear made out of beef jerky.
Nothing says underwear are fun to wear like dried preserved meats.
I believe this is the first in meat haute couture, and hopefully the last. However, the fat basset has told me I would look good in pork chop underwear.
Just another reason to thank our founding fathers for kicking British ass more than 200 years ago. Thank you George Washington for giving me the freedom to wear
bedazzled, rhinostoned, beek jerky lace-up manties.

#2 - The Top Ten Signs Your Governor’s Having Sex With a Hooker

10. Starts every speech with "Four whores and seven grand ago..."
9. Governor's mansion is a hotel room on the Interstate
8. Always has that lovely cheap perfume smell about him
7. He gives a "State of My Unit" address
6. Second Thursday in April is now "Take a Whore To Work Day"
5. He's smiling...his wife ain't
4. His budget includes line item for "gettin' it on"
3. Before every executive decision asks, "What would Charlie Sheen do?"
2. Local hookers complaining they can't get that "gubernatorial" taste out of their mouths
1. Leaves a tip for his wife after sex

#3 - Houston We Have A Fissure

This is what I saw on the ESPN scroller the other day when I was at the gym, “Houston Astrons second baseman Kaz Matsui will undergo surgery to repair an anal fissure. He will miss at least 2 weeks.”
Before almost falling off the treadmill, I thought to myself what is an anal fissure and why would I want the world to know that I had one.
An anal fissure doesn’t sound good, and look at the big brain on Mr. Shife – he is 100% correct. An anal fissure is an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show as bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation. Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability.
Doesn’t that sound like a fun afternoon?
I have no idea why Kaz Matsui would not pay the team trainer some hush money so he would tell the team that Kaz had a upper leg injury or something. Tell them anything but an anal fissure. Kaz was born in Japan. Kaz might not speak English too well. Kaz might want to hire a translator. Or get himself brief jerkies. Those spam shorts got to have some sort of healing powers.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Going ... going ... gone


This is not particularly funny but I thought it was interesting (and I might be mispronouncing boring when I say interesting) enough to share with my beloved readers. Here is a list of items that are either obsolete or well on their way.

• Truly ‘blind’ dates

• Mix tapes

• Land lines

• Short basketball shorts

• “While You Were Out” Pads

• Word processors

• Electric typewriters

• Shorthand

• Floppy disks

• Rolodexes

• Lickable stamps

• Bike messengers

• Printer paper with holes on the sides

• Tape decks

• Walkmans

• Portable CD players

• Record stores

• Boomboxes

• Flicking lighters at a concert’s end

• Standing in line for tickets

• Shoehorns

• Teased hair

• Catalogue shopping

• Stonewashed jeans

• Men with one earring

• Press-on nails

• Bolo ties

• Hair crimpers

• Suspenders

• Dial-up

• E-mails written with the formality of letters

• Sound of the modem starting up

• Non-wireless Internet

• AOL CDs in the mail

• Doctor-administered pregnancy tests

• Diaper pins

• Diaper delivery services

• Smoking while pregnant

• Glass baby bottles

• Paper routes

• Having to learn to touch-type

• Trapper Keepers

• College acceptance letters via mail

• Choose your own adventure books

• Slide rules

• Film projectors in classrooms

• Good penmanship

• Pocket protectors

• Home economics class

• Manual windows in cars

• Getting out to open the garage door

• Full-service gas stations

• DVD-less road trips

• Cigarette lighters

• Nonstandard air bags

• Gas less than $3 a gallon

• Stovetop popcorn poppers

• TV dinners

• Electric frying pans

• New Coke

• Tab in soda machines

• Flash cubes for cameras

• Travel agents

• Plane tickets sent in the mail

• Hotel room keys

• Smoking on planes

• Stewardesses in wigs

• Hitchiking

• In-flight meals

• Traveler’s checks

• Money belts

• Elevator operators

• Saying goodbye at the airport gate

• Doctors making house calls

• Plaster casts

• Orthodontic headgear

• Tonsillectomies

• Sanitary napkin belts

• Having to ask a store clerk for condoms

• Water beds

• Dustbusters

• Photo albums

• Handwritten letters

• Toilets with pulls

• Stereo systems

• Analog clocks

• Wooden tennis rackets

• Ignoring the World Cup

• Thinking Europeans can’t play basketball

• The set shot

• High diving boards

• Biking without helmets

• Cigarette machines

• Renting movies on a Friday night

• “Cocktail table” Ms. Pac-Man

• Finding dates in bars

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Let the madness begin

As most of you know the greatest sporting event ever begins today – March Madness.
I have had World Cup Fever, World Series Hysteria, Super Bowl Frenzy, and a nasty case of crabs, but none of them can compete with the NCAA Tournament. People become whackos and nutbars with their brackets. But you know what? The March Madness fruitcakes have nothing on this list of some of the more “interesting” types of fetishes that exist.

And since I have a played a doctor in the bedroom before I think I am qualified to say that these folks are bat shit insane.

Dacryphilia: sexual pleasure in eliciting tears from others or oneself.
I have definitely shed some tears for some of my friends when I have seen what they brought home from the bars at 2 in the morning, but it did not make me hot.

Emetophilia: sexual attraction to vomiting.
These people have to be color blind and have no sense of smell. I mean really WTF? You get growth in the bathing suit area from this. Yuck.

Formicophilia: sexual attraction to smaller animals, insects, etc. crawling on parts of the body.
The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the pervert’s chest
Up went his weiner

And his underpant’s navy was all over her breast

Microphilia: sexual attraction to miniature people or miniature body parts.
Go midgets go, and dudes with small wieners too.

Plushophilia: sexual attraction to stuffed animals and/or people dressed in animal costumes. Hello Kitty!

Pyrophilia: sexual arousal through watching, setting, hearing, talking or fantasizing about fire. Stop, drop, and roll takes on a whole new meaning.

Somnophilia: sexual arousal from sleeping or unconscious people.
I believe this is where wiener mustaches got their start.

Telephone scatologia: being sexually aroused by making obscene phone calls to strangers.
Caller: Hello! Is your refrigerator running?
Receiver: Yes, it is.
Caller: Then you'd better go catch it before it gets away!

Yeah, that’s hot!!
I think if you get Oliver Klozoff with that one you are one lucky dude.

Trichophilia: sexual arousal from hair.
I wonder if this picture is a spread from the Trichophilia’s monthly magazine, Hairy Hotter


Urolagnia: sexual attraction to urine, including urinating in public, urinating on others, and being urinated on by others.
First off, whoever gets their rocks off on this is nuttier than a squirrel’s breakfast. But I would like to see how hot they are after visiting the men’s restroom after a Michigan home football game. Large groups of men who have been drinking lots of alcohol piss like blindfolded monkeys. The stuff is everywhere. Never, ever wear flip flops in a place like that.

Xenophily: sexual attraction to foreigners (in science fiction, it can also mean sexual attraction to aliens)
ET? Alf? Yoda ?Chewbacca? The Predator? Not even in a galaxy far far away.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Random Acts of Shifeness will continue after this message from our sponsor, Match.com


  • If you ever wake up with a Michael Bolton song stuck you know it is going to be one of those days.

  • Speaking of horrible music, have you been Rickrolled yet? Rickrolling is a new trend in online posting, in which a link is apparently provided to a seemingly interesting source, when in fact, it is a link to a Rick Astley video, "Never Gonna Give You Up".

  • I just got my batch of Girl Scout cookies, and those effin' Samoa cookies are so delicious. I want Samoa soap, Samoa toothpaste, Samoa soft drinks, Samoa croutons. I think you get the picture.

  • The Ultimate Peep Show.


  • Check out this awesome picture. Absolutely amazing. I don't know how they did it.

  • Ask and ye shall receive. Billy Pilgrim wanted to see Quincy in action so I proudly present for your viewing pleasure, "The Attack of the Fat Basset."



Tuesday, March 11, 2008

This Isn't Your Mother's Period

Never in my life did I think I would write a blog post with that title.
I ran across this letter today and it might be funnier than a one-legged midget in a butt-kicking contest.
Enjoy.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.


Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?


As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!


The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'


Are you **ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory.


For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?


Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.


Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX



P.S. If anybody uses Digg, please give it some love http://digg.com/comedy/Letter_to_Proctor_and_Gamble

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

It is Hofficial

HOLLYWOOD -- David Hasselhoff endorsed Mr. Shife for president on Wednesday, saying the dumb, white guy has the "character, courage and perseverance" to lead the country.

Mr. Shife thanked The Hoff for his support and all the work he has done for getting chest hair the recognition it rightly deserves.


"I appreciate his endorsement, and I appreciate his service to our country," said Mr. Shife, adding that he wanted "Baywatch" reruns at his side as much as possible on the campaign trail.


"Whatever he wants me to do, I want him to win," The Hoff said, who was challenged by inner thigh chafing during his "Knight Rider" days. But he said in 2008 those irritations from wearing nut-hugging pants are no longer a problem.


"It's not about me or my things. Don't hassle The Hoff," The Hoff said.


Addressing the calls for change in the presidential campaign, The Hoff said Mr. Shife would be true to one of his favorite countries, Germany.


"The Germans love The Hoff, and Mr. Shife is not gonna change policies when it comes to spreading the Hoff love in Deutschland," The Hoff said of the blogger from Idaho.


Protecting the American beaches with beautiful, top-heavy actors was the No. 1 job of a president and Mr. Shife understood that, The Hoff said.


"He's gonna be a president who will bring the same determination I brought when I put on those red swim trunks and glistened," The Hoff said.


Mr. Shife needed a lot of delegates to secure the nomination and had zero after Tuesday's voting, according to CNN estimates. And with The Hoff's endorsement, according to CNN estimates Mr. Shife still has zero delegates.


Mr. Shife said with the nomination about as realistic as his dreams of saying "El precio es errĂ³neo, Roberto," on El Salvador's popular version of The Price is Right, he would begin exploring the possible ramifications of wearing a Wham t-shirt to a Hells Angels convention.


Monday, March 03, 2008

Sweet Sixteen

A Random Chick tagged me.
She is a new friend in the blogosphere so I will be accommodating. I can’t run her off quite yet.
She asked for six random, unimportant, silly, quirky things about me, but I don't follow instructions well (Hello, I am a descendant of cavemen) and I like to overcompensate (Hello, I like to wear dresses for Halloween). Anyway, I proudly present 16 items about this dumb, white guy.

  1. I am deaf in one ear. Born that way.
  2. I love animals, and I have had a significant basset hound in my life since my teenage years. The animal that I find the most fascinating is the shark.
  3. I think the key to life is low expectations. For example, if you think you are going to die in your sleep and you wake up the next morning perfectly fine you are going to be pretty happy.
  4. I am quietly approaching blog post #500 and my blog was actually featured on NPR some time ago.
  5. I hitchhiked to Canada. I went to school at the University of Idaho in Moscow so it not as dramatic as it sounds.
  6. I spent six days in jail. Just some dumb drunk college prank that got a little out of hand.
  7. I spent the first 22 years of my living on a military base. My dad was in the Air Force and I was in the Navy.
  8. I have seen a lot of naked men. I spent 8 years living with large groups of men – the Navy and a fraternity.
  9. I have been married to Mrs. Shife for 3 ½ years and we have been together for almost 11 years.
  10. I try to watch “The Big Lebowski” on my birthday every year. My favorite movie is "Casablanca."
  11. My all-time favorite word is crestfallen. Unsavory is a close second.
  12. Unbeknownst to him, we videotaped a guy in college inserting inanimate objects into his anus. Most notable was a basketball trophy. Please don’t ask you really do not want to know.
  13. The hardest habit I broke was chewing tobacco. It took me 10 years, and I have been off the stuff for over 5 years.
  14. My ringtone is “The Final Countdown” by Europe.
  15. If I am feeling a little mischievous I like to tell strangers that I meet that I used to be a foot model.
  16. I love North Carolina basketball. I don’t have a real good reason but my Dad grew up in Illinois and loves all of the Chicago teams. Well when the Bulls drafted a certain guard from North Carolina named Jordan it was love at first sight when I saw that Carolina blue. I have several things I want to do before I die but the top thing on my list right now is to go to Chapel Hill, NC and watch a Tar Heel basketball game live.