Monday, December 17, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness


  • Well this is it - the last post of 2007. Unless I win the lottery then you will never hear from me again. Ha ha. I am taking some time off for the holidays so I probably will not hit the blogging circuit until after the new year.

  • I went and saw "I Am Legend." Not too shabby. It had a few "I might shit my pants" moments" and I totally recommend it.

  • They showed the trailer for the new Batman movie "Dark Knight" before "Legend" and let me tell you that trailer was fantastical.

  • Some redneck pickup lines if you need some help with the ladies during the holidays.
    -- Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
    -- Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure is special.
    -- My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
    -- Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
    -- Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
    -- If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
    -- You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    -- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
    -- Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
    -- If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
    -- Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

  • Entrepreneurial idea: Rainbow stickers that indicate your level of gayness. For example, if you are 100% gay then your rainbow sticker's color level is 100%. I have acknowledged that I am about 6% gay because my fondness of shopping, grooming (manscaping), etc. so my rainbow sticker color's level would be 6%.

  • If you have not done so you should really go elf yourself.

  • Have you heard about this study? German researchers found that staring at large breasts for 10 minutes a day is equal to doing a half hour of cardio. I think I could insert a really nice joke here but I also don't like sleeping on the couch.

  • I hope Santa brings you something nice, but I guess if you have been bad you will probably get this from the North Pole:

  • Happy Holidays to you and yours, and make sure you have yourself a Ludachristmas!!!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mr. Shife's Winter Collection

My company Christmas party is just right around the corner, and I always find it to be a stressful event. I just don’t know what to wear. If I dress up too much then I look like I am self-promoting, but if I dress down then I just look like I don’t care. Well I finally solved that problem with this awesome outfit Mrs. Shife found for me online. I think it strikes the perfect balance, and it makes my moneymaker look really nice.





Friday, December 07, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Do you know what happens when three Labradors enjoy a gallon of canola oil? If you guessed “Projectile Dog Vomit” you are correct. At a family gathering the four-legged furballs got into the oil, and the fun began. The dogs puked all night and day, and the highlight (at least to a juvenile like me) was seeing vomit spread all over the screen door for the back deck. This vomit was not at the bottom of the door but in the middle of the door so one of these beasts really unloaded with some force. By the way Projectile Dog Vomit is a great name for a band if I must say so myself.
  • Thank you to the kind soul who signed me up for the neckne of the month club. I have received a brand, spanking-new Frankenstein bolt for the last three months. It is awesome. Thank you so much for the unbridled joy this painful facial monster has bestowed upon me.
  • I thought of a good stripper name. Prayer. Oh the marketing possibilities you can have with that name. The power of Prayer. On your knees ladies and gentleman for Prayer time. Your Prayer has been answered.
    I know I need to get out of the house more.
  • Does anyone else have a problem with Happy Hour? Not the concept but the fact that it is grammatically incorrect. I don’t know too many establishments that actually have Happy Hour. They have Happy Hours, but not one hour of happiness. Usually Happy Hour is from 4:30 to 6:30 which the last time I checked is two hours, and therefore it should be called Happy Hours.

Like I said I before I need to get out of the house more.
Maybe some Prayer can help my neckne.

Have a good weekend.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Life Caddy

You guys should be glad I was not watching a show about why mammals eat their young.
Who knows what kind of thought process that would have inspired?
Anyway, I got knocked up by the epiphany fairy.
For some odd reason I was thinking about golf and how cool it is that they have a caddy that gives them advice. As I continued thinking, I thought what if you had a caddy for life? Just someone that follows you around and helps you out in tight situations. You know like if you are drunk and thinking about procuring the services of a midget hooker. But your life caddy Rico (I think Rico would be an excellent Life Caddy name) talks some sense into you and you just end up buying an issue of "Barely Legal Dwarfs" and some vaseline. Just a passing fancy but I know we all have done things in the past where we wish we did have a life caddy.