Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Great grandfather clause -- I am willing to suspend my disbelief at the movies, but when some of these aging action movie stars are eligible to be great grandfathers I think it is time for them to hang it up. Indiana Jones 4? Die Hard 4? Rambo 4?
    Come on guys, you had a good run now let it go.

    Possible dialogue for Die Hard 4:
    Bob
    : I got a hundred people down here and they're all covered in glass.
    John McClane
    : Glass? I don’t care about glass? I have no bladder control.
    Bob
    : Well I am sorry to hear that, but this is Bob Galliono of the LAPD and I am in charge here.
    John McClane
    : Oh you're in charge? Well I got news for you … what did you say your name was again?
    Bob
    : Bob.
    John McClane
    : Well Bob, from up here I can’t see anything. I don’t have my glasses. Can you help me out a little bit by waving or something?
    Bob
    : You can’t see. How am I supposed to give you directions?
    John McCalne
    : What? Erections? No not this month. I have difficulty getting or keeping an erection about one in every four times I have sex.
  • Which Hero, besides Peter, would you be? I am thinking it would be cool to be invisible like Claude. And last night’s episode of Heroes was frickin’ awesome.
  • Joke of the day -- A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. When the elephants walk out onto the circus ring, the little boy asks his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
    "No, under the tail," says the youngster.
    The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
    The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
    "So why did mom say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
    The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
  • And another insult to those who swim in the shallow end of the gene pool -- Did you have restricted air flow in the birthing canal?

Friday, February 23, 2007

The World is Full of Stupid People

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
And it is about time that smart people like us (yes, that’s you faithful blog reader) tell the big dummies how we really feel about them. So here are some phrases to help you combat ignorance and try to make the world a better place. Phats I hope you find these especially useful since you must deal with Hoosier fans on a regular basis.

Insults

  • Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission
  • Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
  • Save your breath ...You'll need it to blow up your date.
  • You should learn from your parent’s mistakes - try using some birth control.
  • Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?
  • Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice ...
  • Well, they do say opposites attract ... so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.
  • I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?
  • You look as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

Put downs

  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
  • You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don't have the film.
  • You! Off my planet!
  • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  • Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?
  • You're the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.
  • I'd like to leave you with one thought ... unfortunately I am not sure you have anywhere to put it
  • This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.
  • So now we know why some mammals eat their children ...
Comebacks

Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry

Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.

Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell

Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a Female Impersonator.

Man: Hey there, haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Say, haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the head Nurse at the VD clinic.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Categories

At a loss for words category – If you happen to be stuck in hell and someone pisses you off, can you really tell them to go to hell?
If you work at a hotcake store and business is booming, can you still describe it as selling like hotcakes?

In case you care category – I am up to 6 miles in my training. My mile pace is about 7:40 so if everything stays cool I should be able to finish the half-marathon in about 105 minutes.

In case you wondered category – I don’t care that Britney shaved her head but I can only imagine that the number of psychiatrists giving their expert opinion on TV is going to go through the roof this week.

Will you still respect me in the morning category – If I wore sweats to the mall that had “JUICY” written across the butt?

It might be a cinematic masterpiece categoryReno 911 the movie opens on Friday, and I will boldly predict that it will be the greatest movie ever with Reno in the title.

And finally in the do you need some Hoff news category.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Anna Nicole, Astro-Nut, and the Killer Klown theory


So have you had enough of Anna Nicole Smith yet?
Here is my crackpot theory on what happened to her. Since NASA was getting a lot of bad publicity thanks to the Astro-Nut, they needed another media firestorm. So their PR people dumped all of the variables into the NASA SGITM Altix™ 3000 supercomputer (I honestly tried to be a smart ass and make this up but there really is a NASA supercomputer) to figure out what event could divert the media away from the "astronaut lady who drove 900 miles in adult diapers soon to be a Lifetime movie of the week” frenzy. And the supercomputer spit out two scenarios: Justin Timberlake suffers an unusual erectile injury or the death of Anna Nicole Smith. So they flipped a coin, let the Killer Klowns from Outer Space out for a few hours to do their bidding, and now we are in day 7 of the Anna Nicole Smith media blitz. Those folks at NASA are pretty smart … they did put a man on the moon (allegedly) after all.

And today’s reason to drink: In 1764, the city of St. Louis, Missouri was established today. Have an American beer, because St. Louis is where Busch established his brewery in 1857.


P.S. This post was written in support of the "Ass Clown is way better than Ass Hat" movement.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Anger Management

Well today has just been one of those days. From the moment I woke up until right now I have just dealt with crap. I want to tell everyone to suck a bag of dicks, but I have refrained. Instead I tried this Anger Management tip I received in an email, and boy does it make you feel better.


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Mr. Shife. Could I please speak with David Hasselhoff?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f*****ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down the Hoff’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally reversed the last two digits.
After hanging up with the Hoff, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an ass clown!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'ass clown' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ass clown!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "ass clown calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an ass clown!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ass clown (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW ass clown, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is," he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Main Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an ass clown!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ass clowns to call. Then I came up with an idea.
I called Ass Clown #1.
"Hello."
"You're an ass clown!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Ass Clown, I live at 34 Main Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass clown," and hung up.

Then I called Ass Clown #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, ass clown," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, ass clown, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Main Street and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called the TV News people about the gang war going down in
Main Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Main Street.
I got there just in time to watch two ass clowns beating the hell out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.

Anger Management really works.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Wishful thinking

So imagine, if you will, that you just won $5,000 from the lottery. What would you do?

  • Pay off bills
  • Take a vacation
  • Buy a really big TV
  • Rent out a movie theatre and watch “The Big Lebowski” for 3 straight days
  • Amass a midget army and take over a McDonald’s play-land
  • Sing a duet with your favorite “Baywatch” star
  • Get a subscription to USA Today for about 27 years
  • Get some hookers and some blow
  • Book the world’s greatest live disco band … twice
  • Give yourself bigger equipment … if you know what I mean

Well these are just some suggestions but I would love to hear what you would do?

As for me, I do like the idea of gathering a midget army, but I think I would book a vacation anywhere Mrs. Shife wanted to go.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Does Hope Seem So Far Away?


Treat the Earth well,
It was not given to you by your parents,
It was loaned to you by your children.
-- Native American proverb


I recently watched “An Inconvenient Truth.” I bought it back in November but Mrs. Shife and I have put off watching it mainly because we did not want to be depressed. It is a poor excuse, but it is the truth. Well we finally watched it last weekend. And since I am being so truthful I must admit I was not depressed after seeing the film. I actually felt inspired and hopeful. We have the technology and tools to turn things around and I sincerely believe we can avert the climate crisis.

So what is up with my blog title? I guess my feelings of hope and inspiration vanished when I saw this story. It is not about environmental destruction or the climate crisis. It is about two teen boys who decided for fun that they would cook a three-month-old puppy in the oven. I just can not fathom what would make you want to torture and kill a poor, defenseless animal like that. And you wonder why people show more compassion for animals than humans? We were all young and dumb, but this is not stupidity … this is malicious and cruel. And cruelty does not deserve any mercy.

So to me hope does seem so far away when I see stories like this one. If we have people who can’t even appreciate some of the creatures that we share the planet with then how in the heck can we expect them to make Earth safer for future generations. I know this is just one example that I am using to oversimplify the entire human race, but just look at the destruction and extinction we are causing all over the globe to animals.

I know exactly what my practical and lovely wife would tell me, and so I am going to share it with you. It is The Starfish Story, and I encourage you to read it.

So I am back to my original thought, does hope seem so far away? Sure, but I now realize that each of us has been gifted with the ability to make a difference in the world. Some of us choose to use this gift and unfortunately others do not. When we can become aware of that gift, we gain strength through our visions and develop the power to shape the future. We must each find our starfish. And if we throw our stars wisely and well, the world will be a better place and we can make a difference.