Sunday, January 28, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness


  • In case anyone is interested, the fat basset is doing well. He visits the vet Tuesday, and hopefully the doc will give Quincy the clearance to go out on his own. For the last 7 weeks, we (and when I say we I mean mostly Mrs. Shife) have had to take him out when he visits the great outdoors to relieve himself. So if he gets the OK, he can start using his doggie door again. Boy aren't you glad you came to the blog for this exciting bit of news.

  • Evidently I hate myself because I started training for a half-marathon again. I ran 5 miles Saturday, and in 16 weeks I will be running in my second half-marathon.
  • I love movies, but I have not been to the theater in awhile. Nothing has really caught my eye and inspired me to fork over $10 bucks. But there are two films on the horizon that I will be seeing for sure -- Reno 911: Miami and 300.

  • I talked about this before, and maybe it is because I have been to our local mall more often than usual, but I am really tired of seeing teen's underwear. I know I am older and maybe I have turned a little conservative as I matured but I just don't need to see Robby's pants around his knees so his exposed Fruit of the Looms make me want to kick him in the nuts. Or I don't need to see Suzy's g-string running halfway up her back because her pants are so low. I don't think it is unreasonable that when I see you are using your undergarments as a fashion statement that I can just walk up and cut the waist band with a pair of scissors.

  • I have discovered a new show on ABC that I am enjoying, "The Knights of Prosperity." Unfortunately, one of my least favorite people, Dustin Diamond aka Screech, will be guest starring on a recent episode. Now if that dude happened to get anally assaulted by a herd of wild monkeys plagued with rabies and scurvy, I would not be too upset about it.

Have a great day, and I almost forgot to mention what happened to our house. We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Happy 2nd Anniversary to Me

Sweet sassy molassey.
It will be my two year anniversary tomorrow.
This last year has been a little weird because I took about a three-month sabbatical to sort things out. Alright, fine, the truth be told I was following the David Hasselhoff tour in Australia.
But I eventually removed my head from my rectum and returned to the wonderful world of blogging. I had to cut back a little back to stay sane, but I still represent.

So I just want to again thank everyone who takes the time to comment and visit. You are awesome and really appreciate you stopping by. You are a big reason why I continue to blog. And without you, Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy would probably suck a bag of dicks.
So in honor of this special occasion, I proudly present my second-ever post, and please be kind to me. Just remember how good you were the second time you made out with the foreign exchange student from Mozambique. Exactly.
Have a great day.

Friday, January 19, 2007

How to Shower like a Woman / Man

I thought for sure I posted this but I could not find it in the archive. Anyway, I ran across it again the other day and I just think it is downright comical. I hope you enjoy it as well.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way,cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on floor

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Hot Springs Monologue

Now I know it is hard to believe, but quite a few people were not enticed to move to Idaho because of the world famous potatoes. Idaho actually has a few other items of interest that tend to attract people to the 43rd state, and one of them is an abundance of natural hot springs. We have quite a few around here, and Mrs. Shife is always trying to get me to visit another one. Unfortunately, I am still haunted by the memories of our first and only trip to the hot springs. And for the sake of public record, from this point on the hot springs will be referred to as Oh My God! We Have A Clear Unobstructed View of Fat Hairy Naked Men Soaking in A Hot Springs Right Below Us or OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU for short.

It is about a 75-minute drive to get to OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU, and it is located off of a scenic highway that is quite busy because of OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU, sight-seeing, and kayaking opportunities. So we pulled over to park, and the first thing we see is a lady in the middle of the road frantically trying to corral two dogs into her car before they get hit by oncoming traffic. The dogs seem more concerned about sniffing each other’s butt than cooperating with the lady, but finally her shrieks hit the right frequency in canine and they grudgingly got into the car.

So we prepare to hike up a mountain to get to OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU. And do you catch the hike up a mountain part? I don’t know about you but I prefer to avoid mountainous terrain when I hike. As a matter of fact I tend to avoid hiking altogether because it pretty much sucks balls.

After days of hiking … OK maybe it was only 20 minutes but I was going for the made-for-TV-movie dramatic flair. So we make it to OMGWHACUVOFHNMSIAHSRBU, and the place is pretty busy. There is a group of “larger” gentlemen soaking in the bottom area so we head up to the top area and hop in. Well there was a reason why no one else was in the top area because when you look down all you see is Fatty McGee and his tubby band of lard machines flopping around like inebriated whales in the water. And did I mention they were all naked? No clothes, just lots and lots of public nudity.

So if you are keeping score at home: Frenzied dog rescue on busy highway, a hike straight up a mountain, and aerial shots of portly dudes and their junk.

But wait there is more.

In an effort to save my eyesight, I figured it was time to go and we started heading down the mountain. As we made our way down we ran into a gentleman who was storming up like his pubic hair was on fire. He was looking for his dogs and couldn’t find them anywhere. So dude is mad because he can’t find his pups and he has a thick English accent making it even more difficult to understand him. Well guess what? Those two dogs running around down on the road were his and that lady took them. No wonder she had a hard time getting them in her car. But in her defense, she just saw two dogs dodging traffic and was trying to help save them. But to the Englishman who went up the mountain with his ball fur blazing, she just flat out stole his dogs.

So the guy is livid after we tell him what we know, and he stormed off.

So I, Mr. Shife, being of sound mind and judgment declared from that day forward declared that there was no reason for me to ever, ever set foot in the general area of Idaho’s abundant supply of natural hot springs because I evidently transform into a weirdo magnet when I am there.

One day I might change my mind because I really, really love my wife. But for now,
I will just cherish those memories especially the ones of seeing nude dudes pretending they were the main attraction at Sea World.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Purina Diet

Looking for the next big thing in diets? Well this might be the one.

A woman was in Target buying a large bag of Purina for her Labrador retriever and was in line to check out when a twenty-something woman behind her asked if she had a dog.

On impulse, the woman told her, “No, I am starting The Purina Diet again.” The woman continued on by stating that she probably shouldn't be on the diet again because she ended up in the hospital last time. She had lost 50 pounds before she was awakened in an intensive care unit ward with tubes coming out of most of her orifices and IVs in both arms.

The woman told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is you load your pant pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so the woman was going to try it again.

Now by this point in the story practically everyone in the line was completely enthralled with the woman’s story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, the twenty-something girl asked the woman if something in the dog food had poisoned her and was that why she ended up in the hospital.

The woman said no . . . . “I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.”


I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

The Best of 2006

So here are my picks for the best of 2006. Let me know what you think, and if you want you can even tell me what you think rocked in that year wedged between 2005 and 2007.

Best new TV show -- I really liked 30 Rock but I had to go with Heroes.

Best movie -- I thought Borat was awesome, but Little Miss Sunshine won me over.

Best musical discovery -- I had heard of Tenacious D but I never heard any of their music until this past year. And I am a huge fan of the D now. These guys rock.

Best food discovery -- Sushi. The thought of raw fish going down my throat has always sounded disgusting but I gave it a shot in '06 and I was hooked.

Best sex move -- Ambushed Paddington.

Best moment -- It was pretty awesome when the Cardinals won the World Series, but I enjoyed it more when I pulled off Mrs. Shife's surprise 30th birthday party. It took months of planning and secrecy but I did it and my lovely wife had no clue.

Best Musical -- David Hasselhoff: The Musical. I swear I can't make this stuff up.

Best Divorce -- Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown

Best Dog -- Quincy

Best Best Western -- Follow the link

Best Movie about Bowling -- For the ninth year in a row, The Big Lebowski

Best Blog Reader -- You

Best Time to End This List -- Probably right now. See you later!



Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy Frickin' New Year

Well I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season. Sorry I didn’t have time to visit each and every one of you to wish you Season’s Greetings but the fat basset has been the focal point of our lives right now. So here is a quick recap of the Mr. Shife’s holiday season.

  • I think I ate a million sugar cookies. I swear I am shitting sugar cubes and farting sugar granules.
  • Quincy peed on me. We had to give him a sedative so he would be relaxed when we traveled …. well he was relaxed all right. When I picked him up to put him in the car I felt something warm running down my pants. Awesome.
  • Speaking of Captain Furry Pants, he is doing very well. Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. Quincy is starting to act like his old self, but we still have to keep him confined for two more weeks. It is difficult because bassets are stubborn and our dog is about as stubborn as the day is long.
  • We gave an awesome White Elephant Exchange gift at my father-in-law’s Christmas Eve party. His side of the family is pretty much Republican, conservative, cowboy/farmer type so we thought a 2007 “Brokeback Mountain” calendar would be the perfect gift. And it sure was. The whole room was howling when it was unwrapped.
  • Does anyone know about a gift card exchange? I got a few that I would love to unload in exchange for some different ones.
  • Mr. and Mrs. Shife spent New Year's Eve by going out to lunch and a movie with some friends, and then we spent a quiet evening at home with the fat basset. Pretty lame as far as excitement goes but nothing beats ringing in the new year with your loved ones.

Well Happy New Year and see you out there in the blogosphere. And remember what the Dude said when you take on 2007, "Not on the rug man!"