Friday, August 25, 2006

To HDTV or Not To HDTV ...

that is indeed the question. I know this problem doesn’t even to compare to a lot of unsavory crap that people have to deal with on a daily basis, and if this is my biggest problem for a long time then I will consider myself one lucky dumb white guy. Basically, I want a new TV, but I also don’t want a new TV. Make sense? I feel like a one-eyed cat in a fish store. I am driving myself crazy agonizing over the decision. Do I want Plasma? LCD? DLP? What kind of resolution do I want? 720 or 1080? Does it have a HD tuner integrated into the set or do I need to buy another tuner? How big of a screen do I want? 42 inches? 46? 50? Do I really want to see 50 inches of Paris Hilton? Do I want to order online and have it delivered? Do I want to become a professional goat masseuse? Hey where did that come from? Bad, bad, bad stream of consciousness; you are grounded mister.
After doing a little research online and at Best Buy I decided to order a Samsung 46-inch DLP TV from Amazon. Part of my research method also involved the consumption of several adult beverages. It is a tried and true method; you should definitely use it in your line of work. So to set the record straight, your honor, it is midnight, I am slightly buzzed, I am an idiot, and I have fantasies about a threesome with Smurfette and Jessica Rabbit. Ahhhh, only if you could order that online. Alrighty then. I woke up this morning at the butt crack of dawn, and it was like I had a one-night stand with a serious barker. I had severe buyer’s remorse. So I got up and rushed to the computer first thing this morning and cancelled the order before it had been placed.

For now, no HDTV for Mr. Shife, but that can all change after the consumption of several adult beverages.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Southern Asia: Is Outsourcing Worth It?

I apologize in advance to all of my Southern Asian readers but I think it is time I weighed in on this controversial topic. Thanks to the fine folks at The Daily Show, companies can now run a simple-cost benefit analysis to see if it makes sense to send their blue-collar jobs overseas to Southern Asia.

1) Would you rather pay your employees in
A. Money
B. Fruit rind

2) Would you prefer your employees to have
A. Self-esteem and adaptable skills
B. Calluses and deformed knuckles

3) Would you rather employ
A. One 60-year-old
B. Ten 6-year-olds

If you answered (A) to any on these questions, congratulations! You’ve just been fired by the guy who answered (B).

Thursday, August 17, 2006

"Snakes on a Plane"

This little ditty about Samuel L. Jackson and some mother fuckin’ snakes on a mother fuckin’ plane is beyond hot. This flick has got America worked up into a frenzied state of movie madness. And I boldly predict that this will be greatest movie about snakes ever.
Yeah, I know I really went out on a ledge there.
But something that is generating this much buzz will undoubtedly create some really bad knock-offs. So if “Snakes on a Plane” is as successful as everyone thinks it is going to be, here is my list of films that you may see at cineplex near you:

  1. Ants in your Pants
  2. Rats on a Hot Tin Roof
  3. Little Baby Crocs in your Socks
  4. Giant Kangaroos on a train to Kalamazoo
  5. Psycho Ex-Girlfriends on a Greyhound
  6. Rabid Hamsters on a Fed-Ex Truck
  7. Monkeys in a Barrel
  8. Hungry, Hungry Hippos in a Super Wal-Mart
  9. Star Jones in a Golden Corral Buffet Line

    And for you lovers of the porn …
  10. Trousersnakes on a Plane

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • There is a band playing this week in my town called Battery. They are a Metallica tribute band, and the ad states: “These guys are so good that they have actually opened for Metallica … “
    So the question I pose is how excited would you be to see a tribute band play before the actual band? Is that like your girlfriend using her favorite BOB (battery-operated boyfriend) before you step up to the plate? Or maybe she uses you first, and then finishes off with BOB? Ouch.
    Maybe it is just me but I would rather not see a tribute band open for the real deal.
  • Tomorrow is a sad day as the season finale of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” airs. I just started watching the show this summer and it is hilarious. It has three qualities I always look for in programming: Politically incorrect, crude, and awesome.
  • When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.
    On your way home from work stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section, and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
    Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested.”
    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Rectal Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
  • I am ready for some football. And in case you care, my teams are the University of Idaho Vandals and the Arizona Cardinals.
  • Make your next trip to the grocery store a little more exciting. When you check out say this to the cashier, "I like your style" and shoot them double-barreled fingers.
  • I am Pro-Shife and I vote.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Yokozuna

I have no idea where the origins of this juvenile prank began but for some reason its memory surfaced in my gray matter recently, and now I must release it into the wild.
Basically, a Yokozuna is an act where one places his bare bottom on another’s face in stealth or Ninja mode, shouts Yokozuna, and then hilarity usually follows unless of course you are the one sleeping and wake up to find a hairy, smelly turd cutter in your face.
Does that make sense?
Here is the breakdown: Bob is sleepy so he decides to take a nap. Bob’s roommates, Ed and Theodore, are not tired and full of mischief because they just split a fifth of whiskey. Ed and Theodore notice the slumbering Bob. Ed talks Theodore into giving Bob a Yokozuna. Theodore drops his shorts, and does his best imitation of a Ninja while he hovers his bare ass over Bob’s face. Ed and Theodore nearly give it away because they are giggling like a couple of school girls anticipating the oncoming butt splash Bob is about to receive. Ed pulls himself together momentarily and instructs Theodore to do the same. Theodore maneuvers his assy matter into position, and then Ed yells Yokozuna at the top of his lungs. Still half-asleep, Bob wakes up quite confused and unsure of his surroundings. His baffled mind tries to comprehend why someone shouted Toyota and why there is a foul smell in the air. And why are people laughing? He raises his head to gauge the situation when his forward motion is abruptly stopped by something … something with flesh and hair and stench and OH MY GOD Did Ed and Theodore give me a Yokozuna? At last Bob’s mind registers that he is now enjoying a face-full of ass compliments of his roommates.
So there you go kiddies, please pass along the fun-filled gift that is Yokozuna.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Take this phone and shove it

I hate my phone, as a matter of fact, I think it is a piece of shit.
Evidently, so does Motorola. I was thumbing through my user's guide and I found a section that addressed my recent proclamation.

Contents
Safety and General Information . .6
Getting Started. . 13
About This Guide. . 13
Installing the SIM Card . . 13
Battery Use . . 14
Installing the Battery . . 16
Charging the Battery . . 17
Turning Your Phone On. . 18
Adjusting Volume. . 18
Making a Call. . 19
Answering a Call . . 19
Viewing Your Phone Number. . 20
Your Phone is a Piece of Shit . . 21
Taking and Sending a Photo . . 22
Sending a Multimedia Message. . 23
Receiving a MultimediaMessage . . 25

Your Phone is a Piece of Shit
When you use your piece of shit phone it will drop calls. Therefore, you may experience occasional discomfort in your hands, arms, shoulders, neck, or other parts of your body because you have had enough of your piece of shit phone and decided to kick a Motorola employee’s ass. Follow these instructions to avoid problems such as pain and soreness in your hands, wrists, legs, or arms, and other musculoskeletal disorders:
  • If you insist on anally assaulting a Motorola employee by jamming your piece of shit phone up the Motorola employee’s ass, please take a minimum 15-minute break during every hour of your assault.
  • If your hands, wrists, or arms become tired or sore while punching a Motorola employee in the face, stop and rest for several hours before punching again. If the problem persists, punch the Motorola employee in the neck.
  • Concentrated tasks can cause tired eyes and blurred vision. Working over a Motorola employee’s face can be a demanding visual task that may cause eye discomfort. Suggestions to reduce the risk of eyestrain include: make sure you have proper lighting in your combat area, frequently look away and focus on faraway objects, and blink often to keep your eyes moist.
  • Seeing another human’s blood can cause involuntary vomiting. If you feel dizzy or nauseous when assaulting a Motorola employee with your fists or foreign objects, stop the assault and rest. Do not drive or engage in other demanding activity until you feel better.
  • Keep an open mind. There may be other Motorola employees in the building who deserve to have their face kicked in. Don't limit yourself.