Sunday, April 23, 2006

That's All Folks

After much consideration I have decided to take a break from blogging.
I know I have said this before but the other times were because of situations out of my control like work or family.
This time it is coming from me.
I am not having fun and it feels more like a chore than a hobby. The passion is gone my friends.
I really cherish the time I spent on here and of course with all of you who took the time to become part of my life. You guys are the best.
I am still going to visit your blogs to say hi and see how your life is treating you, but you won't see anything new on Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy for a long time.
All I ask is that whenever David Hasselhoff or a midget is on your mental radar you remember that dumb, white guy from Idaho called Mr. Shife.

Take care my blogging buddies, and as the picture says, May the Hoff be With You.

Mr. Shife

Monday, April 17, 2006

Don't Worry, Be Happy

As some of you may know I am trying to have a better outlook on life. Just trying to be grateful for what I have and enjoy life a little more. Well Mrs. Shife just sent me over a list that shows by just being a man I have plenty of reasons to be happy.

Men Are Just Happier People
  1. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
  2. Your last name stays put.
  3. The garage is all yours.
  4. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  5. Chocolate is just another snack.
  6. You can be President.
  7. You can never be pregnant.
  8. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  10. The world is your urinal.
  11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  13. Same work, more pay.
  14. Wrinkles add character.
  15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  16. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  19. One mood all the time.
  20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  21. You know stuff about tanks.
  22. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  23. You can open all your own jars.
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
  26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
  29. You are unableto see wrinkles in your clothes.
  30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
  33. You can play with toys all your life.
  34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  35. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
  36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
  38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
  39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes..

    No wonder men are happier.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

In honor of Easter and a busy day at the office, Random Acts of Shifeness is all about the Easter Bunny this week.
  • Don't put all of your eggs in one basket
  • Walk softly and carry a big carrot
  • Everyone needs a friend who is all ears
  • There's no such thing as too much candy
  • All work and no play can make you a basket case
  • A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention
  • Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day
  • Some body parts should be floppy
  • Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans
  • Good things come in small sugarcoated packages
  • The grass is always greener in someone else's basket
  • An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare
  • To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell
  • The best things in life are still sweet and gooey
  • Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Have a super weekend.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Paint Me Crazy

Mrs. Shife is attempting to paint the family room and is repeatedly asking for my opinion, and I repeatedly tell her “that looks great.” Evidently that answer to her paint question is the equivalent of me telling her that she is bitchy a certain time of the month. And we all know that is a lose-lose situation for all parties involved.
So I need to come up with a better answer or I will spend the better part of my life with half of my ass missing.
So on with the story.
She has these color palettes and swatches all over the place. They are on the floor, taped to the wall, in my underwear drawer, on the moon. It looks like a couple of rainbows had an orgy in my front room. They are everywhere.
She holds a palette with different shades of white and they all look the same to me. There is Spinach White, Creamy, Downy, Popcorn, Extra White, White Duck, Marshmallow, Ibis White, Ivory White, Pearly White, Alabaster, Nonchalant White, Moderne White, etc.
How about You Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me White?
I see white as white. There are no variations. It is effin’ white. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Tangerine, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Cheerful is my emotional state after the Cardinals win, not the color of the north wall. We have no idea what Mauve is. What the hell is Jacaranda? Can you get a shot for that?
She promises she is near a decision. I hope so.
Because if I have to look at another shade of white then I am afraid the men in the white coats might be coming to pay me a visit.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Game On

After a long look in the mirror, I decided that I really need to get an effin’ tan. Man, I am pale.
OK. Just kidding. Well I am pale, but that is not what I decided after looking in the mirror. I was just being figurative.
Maybe I should just get on with it.
First of all, I am not completely mental and the Jehovah’s Witnesses did not take me away nor did I sign up for one of their really intensive weekends of skull humping.
I guess most of you don’t know my religious views but for the most part I am not a big fan of organized religion. I like the message just not the messengers. George Carlin can sum up religion way better than I can but there is no need to worry about me hopping on Jerry Falwell’s fun bus.
Secondly, thank you very much for your advice and inspiring words because it really did help. I went and saw the mental chiropractor and everything got aligned and adjusted so I am feeling much better. I think some of you are going to think that a mental chiropractor is my cute way of saying a shrink, but I was just trying to be funny.
Actually, my shrink has four legs and a very hairy back. The fat basset is an excellent listener and always gives good advice. Alright, fine, I do have a shrink but she is not licensed and she signed up for it when she said “I Do.”
Mrs. Shife and I had a nice long talk over the weekend about making our life more interesting and fulfilling. And having children is not the answer. I would love to have a kid someday, but what the world needs right now is for me to get back in the game and start making life happen instead of waiting for it to happen.
So my friends I take a pledge today to tell you that this is my life and I am ready to rock. Didn’t Bon Jovi have a song called “My Life?” Nope. It is called “It’s My Life.” Close enough. I can use that as my official philosophy song. I feel like I am announcing my candidacy for office.
No more putting off things until tomorrow and no more being afraid to do something because it is out of my comfort zone.
Life is indeed too short for regrets.
Finally, I just want to thank you all again, but one person said something that really resonated with me. The Blonde said, "What do you think you could accomplish in life, if you knew you couldn't fail?" She said her Dad used to say that to her, and that is how she approaches life. Well her Dad was a very wise man and that is not a bad way to look at things.

Peace out blogging nation and may all your ups and downs be between the sheets.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Is It Too Early For A Midlife Crisis?

Maybe it is because I am turning another year older in two weeks or maybe because I did not grace the cover of Teen Beat magazine again this month or maybe I am just blue because I have cabin fever and the weather has not been cooperating. Whatever the case might be, I just feel like I am sleepwalking through life.
I pretty much have the same routine day in day out. Go to work, have my life force sucked out of me sitting in a cube for 9 hours a day, and then come home to get ready to do it all over again. I am not trying to sound ungrateful. I have a good job, I am healthy and Mrs. Shife is my best friend and a pretty awesome wife. We do well enough financially that we don't have to worry about too much and we pretty much have the coolest basset hound two crazy kids from Idaho could ever want.
It is like I am waiting for life to happen instead of making it happen.
I just don't feel like I am doing enough to feel alive. Maybe I need to do some bungee jumping or run nude through a supermarket or just get in the car and drive in one direction for a day. I don't know I just feel like I need a kick in the ass.
I am just thinking outloud here folks and I hope I am not bringing anyone down, but I just wanted to express my thoughts to my blogging buddies and I hope you have some great suggestions to pull me out of my funk.


P.S. I shit you not, but maybe 5 minutes later after Mrs. Shife read this entry and we were discussing how we are sleepwalking through life, there was a knock on the door. It was the Jehovah's Witnesses. Is somebody up there listening?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

Well it is the end of another week so that means it is time to unload things that are weighing heavily on my mind.
  • I know some of you watch "Lost," and I will be the first to admit that this week's episode was one of the best I have seen. I really enjoyed it, and it made you think again about what the heck is really happening on that island.
  • Speaking of good TV, "My Name is Earl" was not too shabby either. One of the songs on tonight's episode really took me back,"Lunatic Fringe" by Red Rider. I used to listen to that song before every one of my wrestling matches and it got me pumped. I first heard it when I saw the movie "Vision Quest." Love that song.
  • Since I brought up wrestling, I was not too shabby in that little sport either. I wrestled from 7th grade to college. My weight classes were 70, 75, 98, 98, 103, and 112. I had to cut some serious weight in high school, and the methods I chose were not the healthiest. In the long run it was not worth it, but at the time I thought so. I got a wrestling scholarship to college but like I mentioned in my last entry I drank myself out of college my freshman year so I really didn't take full advantage of that scholarship.
  • Some inquiring minds wanted to know what yours truly did to get 6 days in jail. Well basically me and two buddies were walking home from the bars at about 3 in the morning and decided to see if this one bar on the way home was still open. And I will swear that what I am about to say is the truth until I am dead, the doors to this establishment were unlocked. So we decided to go in and have a few cocktails. And since you know I went to jail you know that someone saw us in there and reported us to the police.
  • Before I forget, if anybody is interested in sports and wants to check out a blog written by me and two other cool dudes about the world of sports then check out Turf Toe.
  • Internet Tip: When the Internet is running slow, clicking on your mouse as hard as possible and grunting at the same time does not appear to improve the rate at which a page will load.
  • I know I have complained about the weather but look at the 10-day forecast for my lovely little town and tell me that is not depressing.
  • And finally here is a pick-up line for all the single men or ladies out there.
    (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

Have a great weekend my friends.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

More Revelations

Thank you all for your kind words.
Everything is cool with me and my ear. I did enjoy the day off after my problem was taken care of. Me and the fat basset enjoyed some time on the couch and watched "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire."
But the show must goes on.
And now that you know a little more about me I figured you could handle some more confessions from Mr. Shife.
  • My ringtone is "The Final Countdown" by Europe. Why? Because I love Gob on "Arrested Development" and that was his theme music.
  • I spent six days in jail during my undergraduate days at the University of Idaho. Long story short, I was at the wrong place at wrong time. Me and two buddies were charged with misdemeanors but the judge wanted to teach us a lesson so we got to spend two weekends in jail.
  • During this altercation, I was being questioned by the police and they knew I was lying. I was also bombed out of my mind. Anyway, they said they wanted the truth, and Mr. Shife got a shit eating grin on his face and looked the cop right in the eye and slurred, "You want the truth. You can't handle the truth." Ummmm, let's just say the police officer was not impressed with my Jack Nicholson impersonation.
  • When I find something I like I stick with it. I have eaten at Quizno's for probably a good 2 years and I have ordered the same thing every single time. I am a creature of habit I guess. I just love their Italian sub.
  • I drank myself out of college (a tiny school in Carlinville, IL called Blackburn College) when I was 18 and enlisted in the Navy. I spent a few years being a seaman in Florida. It was fun but I picked up a nasty habit .... chewing tobacco.
  • I chewed for nearly 10 years and finally quit 5 years ago. The only reason I quit was because the doctor had to cut a small part of my tongue off and told me I would lose the rest of it if I didn't stop. The tongue grew back and I am been clean since then. It was probably the hardest I have ever done.
  • I never have liked chest hair and I shaved it pretty regular for about 15 years. I do some regular manscaping now but I let it grow out a little bit.
  • I was accepted into film school.
  • Some of you know who Pat Tillman is, and I was fortunate enough to meet him before he left for the Army. It was one of the most memorable days of my life.
  • I love basset hounds. My ultimate dream job would be to run a basset hound rescue. I grew up with the breed, and I have had four in my life. Mrs. Shife and I have had Quincy for almost six years and know she can't imagine any other type of dog in our lives .
  • I consider myself a funny fellow but I only know one joke by heart. It is about a mayonnaise jar and flies.
  • I grew up a military brat and lived in Nevada, North Dakota, Alaska, Illinois, Japan, and Idaho. I consider myself an Idahoan now since I have lived here for the most part since 1985.
  • Born in St. Louis, and love the baseball Cardinals but decided to stick with the football Cardinals when they moved to Arizona. It has been always been tough living with that decision since they suck ass.
  • And for some reason I fell in love with the University of North Carolina Tar Heels basketball program. I think it was mostly due to Michael Jordan, but for whatever reason I bleed Carolina Blue even though I have no affiliations with the state.
  • The Dean Dome is on my list of places to visit and watch the Heels play. I also want to go to the Little League World Series, the College World Series, and spend a summer hitting as many Major League Baseball parks as possible.

OK, that is enough for now. I don't want to let all my secrets out.
Have a nice day.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Unanticipated Hiccup

Warning this post contains very little humor and will be quite boring to most of you. But it is a part of me that I wanted to share, so here it goes.
Well my Monday started off with a phone call to my boss letting her know that I will not be coming into the office today. My left ear was tender and bleeding and I felt a little dizzy.
You are probably thinking the fat basset thought my ear was a roast beef sandwich, but sadly that is not the case.
I was born with an ear problem specifically a cholesteatoma. The malady was misdiagnosed several times and by the time the correct diagnosis was made it was too late. The damage had been done, and I was basically left with a 95% hearing loss in that ear. Since it happened at a young age, I have grown up this way and compensated with it by the way I tilt my head or position myself in a conversation. I miss out on a few things but for the most part it has never been a big deal. I actually use it to my advantage sometimes. For example, if someone is yelling for me I can always say that I didn't hear them or since I sleep on my right side, my left ear is up and I can fall alseep with no problems because it is so quiet. They only drawbacks I remember were that I had about 7 operations on my ear during my childhood and for the most part I was not allowed to go swimming. I also have a pretty cool scar that is about 4-inches long on the side of my head. It is only visible if I cut my hair short, and people always want to know what it is from so it gives me an excuse to come up with an unusual story about how it happened.
Anyway that leads me up to today. I am supposed to get the ear drained and cleaned once a year because I have to. I don't want to gross anybody out but it has to be done. Well evidently my ear needs to be drained NOW because it was very tender and there was some discharge that included blood. When my ear is like this it also throws off my balance and I get dizzy. So I just had to get my ear taken care of earlier and everything is fine but I just had to call in sick because of it.
So know everyone knows one of my deep secrets, I am deaf in my left ear. I may have mentioned it before to a few of you but I don't think a majority of people know about it. It really isn't that big of a deal, and I actually have tried to use hearing aids to correct the loss but my problem is so unique that they don't have anything available that would benefit me.
I really don't think this is an interesting topic but it has been on my mind all day because I had to deal with it. I just get a little stressed out because of my experiences with hospitals have not been that great and I worry that my doctor might tell that they need to do some sort of operation. But not this time.
Everything is great and I will be back at the salt mines tomorrow.
Thanks for listening.