Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Entrepreneurial Ideas

Every now and then I get hit with an idea from the epiphany fairy that, in my opinion, appears to be solid gold. But that is where it stops; I am just an idea guy. I have never had the motivation to try and turn one of these thoughts into a reality but maybe someday. Anyway here are four of my latest, and I have included some of my previous ones since most of you weren’t reading this blog when they were hatched.
  • Blur masks for Halloween or for that special day when you decide to become a felon and commit armed robbery. You know how they blur out people’s faces on TV to protect them; well I always thought a mask of this would make a great costume. You could even have blur masks for your private parts to complete the look.
  • You're welcome cards. Wouldn’t it be nice to send someone a You're Welcome card after they send you a Thank You card?
  • Change the lyrics and title of Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” to “Tony Danza.”
  • Personal or single ads on coasters at bars.
  • A robot that eats stupid people.
  • When you enter a building your very own theme music plays.
  • Man candles. The candles smell like man’s favorite things like bachelor parties, monster truck shows, garages, tailgate parties, football games, etc.

Monday, February 27, 2006

The Penis Monologues

Hi I am Mr. Shife's penis and he decided to let me tell you how my day went.
And don't worry there are no pictures of me.
I might still be wanted in Canada for an incident involving curling stones and a tour bus full of Celine Dion groupies.

6 am -- Hello, it is me. I am up. Let's go pal. Wakey wakey hands off the snakey. What does a guy gotta do around here to get some service. Fine. 15 more minutes of sleep but that is it.
6:15 am -- Alright Shifey, rock and roll. Hey up there let's go. I got a bladder full of piss and I am stiff as a board. I bet you would wake up if I unloaded this payload. You think I like being up this early? All you have to do is get up, let me do my business and then we can go back to bed.
6:30 am -- Well look who decided to join the rest of world. About time. Man you got some nerve pal. Quit messing around and get to the toilet. I got to go. You think I would get a little more respect around here especially after all the times I came through for you. How many times have I let you down? Once. That's right once. And I was hammered. You drank too much of that whiskey so really it was your fault but you always blame me. Fine. I am sorry. How many times do I have to apologize. Geez.
6:31 am -- Ahhhh, there we go. Sweet relief. Man I remember back in the day I could hold it until about 10 or 11 in the morning. Those were the days. Stay out as late as we want and meet all kinds of nice ladies. Ooops. I mean we just talked to the nice ladies. I forgot Mrs. Shife reads this blog. Yeah. Mrs. Shife nothing to talk about here. Have a nice day. And did I mention how beautiful you looked this morning. You are hot.
6:45 am -- Ummm, hello, cold water equals shrinkage. Turn up the heat in this here shower buddy. Hey you missed a spot, and be careful with the soap. I don't want to get any in my eye.
6:48 am -- Alright dry me off. Hey, hey HEY. Me first then the ass. You know I don't like being second and having you rub that assy smell in my face.
6:52 am -- Seriously do we have to wear the thongs again? They pinch and are not very flattering. Just kidding folks. I'm Mr. Shife's penis, and Mr. Shife's penis does not wear a thong.
7:00 am -- Alright it looks like it is nap time again. Mr. Shife put me away in my cotton cage.
10:30 am -- Hi there, it is take to me for a walk. I got to take care of some business.
10:32 am -- Holy crap. Who dropped off the shit bomb in the bathroom? Hurry up and put me back in the cage. It smells like rotten Indian food in here.
11:45 am --- Oh my God. What did you eat? Jesus. Do you know how close I am to your ass? How about a warning? I am here resting comfortably and then you fart. Very rude Mr. Shife.
12:22 pm -- Knock knock. It is me again and it is time to drain the main vein. At least it smells better in here. Hey gentle there. The grip and rip it approach does not apply to me. You better be treating me right or I might just pop up at a most inopportune time. Oh maybe in a meeting or at the gym shower. That's right buddy I have power. The little head can overtake the big head anytime he wants with a quick flip of the switch.
3:15 pm -- Maybe if you quit drinking all that Mountain Dew and water I wouldn't have to pee so much. Oh you better not take my name in vain. It wouldn't be too funny if you lost bladder control while you were sitting at your desk. Yeah, I can do that too. What are you going to do? Punch me? Choke me? Spank me? Bring it on. You know I like it when you spank me.
3:16 pm -- Did you see that guy's penis? I know we aren't suppose to look at each other when we are in the bathroom but I took a quick peek. That poor guy looks like he got circumsized twice. I know that isn't nice but I have to check out the competition every now and then.
4:02 pm -- Are you gay? I mean if anyone knew how much David Hasselhoff you looked at on the Internet during the day they would be convinced you were a homosexual. Come on go look at Kate Beckinsale or something. This is embarrassing.
5:30 pm -- Bad news. Just heard Mrs. Shife got a visitor. Looks like I will be staying in the garage for a few days. Damn.
8:04 pm -- Would you mind telling that dog of yours that I am not a dance floor. If he wants to sit in your lap great, but can he try a different method that doesn't involve stomping me and the twins down here. Every night we are laying on the couch relaxing and then boom. I think it is a jealousy issue because he lost his balls at the pound.
9:06 pm -- I am calling it a night. I need my beauty sleep. Sleep tight and I wouldn't mind having one of those crazy dreams again. You know the one, you and me at the Playboy Mansion ... where we are protesting against the objectification of woman. I forget that Mrs. Shife reads this again. You think she will buy that load of crap about protesting. Me either. Good night.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Name this feature

Drum roll please. Here is the moment one of you might have been waiting for.
Well for the last few weeks I have been doing "At the movies with the Dumb, White Guy" but I wasn't really satisfied with it. So I have decided to take it in a different direction and include more topics like TV shows, DVDs, and anything else entertainment-related that pops into this head of mine. The one problem I am having right now is what to call the darn thing and that is where you hopefully come in and help me name this new creation.
So it is going to be every Friday, it will cover entertainment issues and it will be me, the dumb, white guy. Some initial ideas were "Mr. Shife's Instant Entertainment" or "Media Day with Mr. Shife" or "Mr. Shife's Live Nude Entertainment" or "The Dumb, White Guy Monologue."
You are my only hope, please help me.

On with the show.

MOVIES
What's new? Doogal, Running Scared, and Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion.
What does this mean to me? You won't be going to the the movies this weekend.
What should I do Mr. Shife? Get wasted.

DVDs
What's new? Rent, Domino, North Country, The Weather Man, and Ulitmate Avengers: The Movie. (Sorry no links for the new DVDs. Too many and I don't even know if you care about the links)
What does this mean to me? Well since all the new releases suck goat balls this week you might be making a trip to the video store or waiting for your shipment from Netflix.
What should I do Mr. Shife? Well if you are not going to follow my advice of getting wasted I think you should check out The Weather Man. Nicolas Cage does good work and this film looks interesting
Mr. Shife's DVD of the week: Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of Were-Rabbit

Mr. Shife's TV Spotlight
24: Jack kicks ass as usual but it looks like Lynn McGill (aka Samwise Hobbit dude) is going to cause some problems around the office. It looks Curtis might have to put a cap in his ass.
Lost: Repeat this week but there's a new episode on Wednesday that appears to focus on Claire.
The Shield: Does anybody like this show? I am a big fan and I am really curious to see how this season is going to play out. Will Vic go to jail? The latest rumor is one of the main characters is going to die.
Grey's Anatomy: We discussed the episode a little bit earlier this week. It appears that George is heading for heartbreak. And according to an interview in TV Guide one of the interns is leaving. Any guesses? I am thinking Alex.
Mr. Shife's Favorite TV moment of the week: An easy one this week, George and Meredith doing the naughty dance.

As with anything this will probably evolve over time but before we can begin this beautiful journey together, we need a name.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Final Act of Randomness

Alright here is the final installment.
I hope you have enjoyed my thoughts and observations for the week.

  • How's this for a way to start the day -- the toilet overflows all over the bathroom floor and you are plopping around in your own urine while you clean it up. That is so much better than a cup of coffee.
  • Speaking of coffee, I do not drink the stuff.
  • I think I might be manstrating or something. I have cried during a movie since last Friday. Friday it was "Swimming Upstream," Saturday it was "House of D," Sunday it was "The Power of One," Monday it was "Eight Below," and Tuesday it was "Independence Day." Yes that Independence Day with Will Smith. So I knew something was whack when the tears were trying to flow for that film.
    I have made it through today not being a sissy so maybe my time of the month is over.
  • Hey Stinky McNutsack on the ellipitical machine, have you heard of deodorant? I am having issues with people at my gym this week. But how can you not tell that you smell like ass? Come on people use some soap in that shower.
  • Random Chuck Norris fact: The leading causes of death in the United States are 1) Heart Disease, 2) Chuck Norris, 3) Cancer.
  • A new Guns 'N' Roses album? It might be happening. And can you believe Axl Rose is 44. Holy crap.
  • Chicken Dance anyone.
  • And this was first brought to my attention by Max Powers and I just received word from another dude. It looks like men want their own version of Valentine's Day.

Have yourself a merry little day, and please remember to tip your wait staff.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

An Awesome Title Goes Here

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I only have one more day of randomness and then I unveil my new Friday feature. I have no idea why I am playing it up because it is not that exciting. Enjoy these brain turds.

  • Is 10 days enough time in New Zealand? We are planning a vacation in November and debating if that is enough time. It takes about 17 hours to fly there so that is nearly 2 days for traveling which leaves you 8 days to go on adventures.
  • I am a military brat and I spent 3 years in the Navy so I have always kept my hair short. Well I have decided to go hippie. I am going for the "My Name Is Earl" look.
    Minus the mustache.
  • Idea for Hallmark: Congratulations you are gay cards. Are there cards out there to wish someone well if they come out of the closet? Just asking.
  • Can you feel it? March Madness is just around the corner. Yes!!!!
  • What is the polite way to tell someone that the sound of their voice makes you want to punch babies?
  • Is it Friday yet?
  • I just got Volume 4 of "The X-Files" mythology series so I might be spending some quality time with Mulder and Scully for the next few weeks.
  • Mr. Shife's word of the day is crestfallen. Why? Why not.
  • Is this a sign of aging or have I broken my bladder? Between doing the Dew, I try to drink about 60-70 ounces of water while I am at work, and subsequently I have to pee about 47 times a day. OK. I might be exaggerating, but it is probably at least 4 times.

Have a wonderful day, and please take your seat and fasten your seat belt. And also make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

More Randomness

It has been a random week so I am going to continue to throw out my randomness until Friday. On Friday, “At the movies with the Dumb, White Guy” is getting an extreme makeover.
Calm down people. It is not that exciting.
Seriously you have to find another reason to get out of bed in the morning.
Well enough of that; enjoy Mr. Shife’s top hits from Tuesday, February 21.

  • Another sign that I am old – cuff links. My office is business professional so I have to play dress up at work. I have about 5 shirts that require the linking of cuffs and I feel 55 every time I wear them. The next thing you know I will be wearing spandex to the gym. Yikes!
  • I saw “Eight Below” yesterday with Mrs. Shife. I cried. I will admit it.
    Behind this confident and rugged exterior, is a very sensitive man. (say sensitive with a lisp please) It is not as bad as “My Dog Skip” but it still pulls at the heart strings.
  • Speaking of crying at movies, the killer ones for me are “Terms of Endearment” and “Brian’s Song.”
  • I bought some CDs to try and learn Japanese while I was driving to and from work.
    I figured it was safer than reading a book while I drove.
    I lived in Japan for about 8 months while my Pops was stationed there for the Air Force. I learned a few things over there but I wanted to try and learn some more.
  • Half-marathon training this week includes running 5 miles Saturday.
  • Quincy donated some items to the Humane Society yesterday. And of course we had to go check out all the dogs in the pound. It breaks my heart seeing all those guys in there. I would take them all home if I could.
  • Do the Dew. I have done the Dew. She is a whore.
    I think I am peeing Mountain Dew. I gave up soda for about a year, but a few months ago I got back on the Dew. I think I am up to about 50 ounces a day. I need help.

    That is all for now.
    See you later, and remember, please wash your hands before returning to work.

Monday, February 20, 2006

A Presidential Day

More news and notes from the mind of Mr. Shife on this glorious President's Day.

  • If you haven't watched the last episode of "Grey's Anatomy" then stop reading this.
    OK, for everyone else who watched it, how cool was it to see George and Meredith finally hook up? Unfortunately George is going to get his heart broken because Meredith just needed to feed the beast as Lizzie would say.
  • Old people are good for a lot of things. Driving too slow in the fast lane, eating dinner at 3 in the afternoon, sending you ugly sweaters for Christmas, telling us how they had to walk uphill twice to go to school, etc. But they are not good at wearing spandex and belly shirts. I went to the gym early today since I had the day off, and one of the Golden Girls was on the treadmill showing off her midriff.
    Breakfast always tastes better coming up.
    Her partner, Skeletor, was hitting the weights in his spandex. Sweet.
    Breakfast always tastes better coming up again.
    SuperSpyGal I think this couple might be related to the old horndogs that live next to you.
  • Fox News is ridiculous. Their journalistic standards are about as impressive as the National Enquirer. Fox would rather generate hype and hysteria than actually present facts. Fair and balanced my ass.
  • A special fuck you to the two asshats that took up two parking spots so their beloved Corvettes would not be touched. I am so happy that you have a pretty, shiny car but I don't think you will be enjoying it too much since I wished explosive diarrhea on you. A nice car doesn't replace the fact that you have no class, penis or common courtesy.
  • If you ever need a morale boost just watch a marathon of "Cops." There are some really nice people out there. You would swear half of these people were hockey players because of all of their missing chiclets.
  • I am absolutely convinced that Quizno's Classic Italian is the best sub ever.
  • Another DVD recommendation, "Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit."

Have a great President's Day.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

A Great Headline Goes Here

Sorry about my absence from the blogging universe but I had some major projects at work that required a lot of my attention. I don't have too much to blog about because I did absolutely nothing this weekend except catch up on my TV shows (I heart TiVo) and watch some movies. But here is what I have.
  • NASCAR. The Super Bowl of the sport was this weekend, Daytona. I just don't get the appeal. Can someone give me one compelling reason to even care about a sport that is just one big left turn?
  • The Winter Olympics. Not too enthusiastic about the Olympics this year. I have watched a few hockey games but that is about it.
  • I guess we should be grateful that Vice President Cheney has gone a whole week without shooting another person. The press was pretty brutal on Dick. I just wish they would use this same kind of tenacity towards President Bush and Iraq.
  • I highly recommend two movies, "Swimming Upstream" and "House of D." They are both out on DVD and are excellent films.
  • Hollywood has finally done it. They have released something compelling enough for me to drag my ass to the theater, "Eight Below." I plan on bringing a box of tissues. I have Monday off so Mrs. Shife and I are celebrating President's Day at the movies.
  • Speaking of President's Day, is there one holiday that is not completely commercialized? I am so glad that we can honor two great men by having huge linen sales.
  • Mrs. Shife and I are currently training for a half-marathon (13.1 miles) in May.
  • We finally named the two new additions to our household. Mrs. Shife got a pair of goldfish for Valentine's Day and after several days of debating they were tabbed Bud and Sissy. They are named after characters in a movie. I will send you a virtual hug if you can tell me the film.

Have a nice day, and as always, your comments are welcomed and appreciated.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Calgon Take Me Away

I didn't see anything in the forecast last night about a shit storm but I am smack dab in the middle of one at work. I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be off the blogging reservation for the next couple of days. I will try to pop in when I can but I can't guarantee anything at the moment. I can totally relate to these pictures right now. See you hopefully soon.








Lost in Translation

I believe I have discovered something that will become man’s newest best friend.
It is a woman translator.
You just type in a word and the translator tells you exactly what your woman is thinking.
Here are some examples.

Word: Fine
This is the word that a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels that she is right about but needs to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Word: Five minutes
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that a man’s football game is going to last before he takes out the trash.

Word: Nothing
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

Word: Go ahead (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Word: Go ahead (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Word: Loud sigh
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Word: Soft sigh
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Word: That's okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some deep shit.

Word: Please do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Word: Thanks
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Word: Thanks a lot
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Big Picture -- Part 2

Alright here are some more photos from my past.
Please note I had to re-shoot these photos with our digital camera so the quality isn't the best.

To borrow a line from one of the greatest television shows ever, "Arrested Development," I just blue myself.
This is a fairly recent photo. Me and Mrs. Shife dressed up for a Halloween party in 2004. I was Fat Elvis and she was a vampire.


This photo was taken during our first year together. I believe we were at a bar hanging out with some friends. Aren't we cute? Actually Mrs. Shife makes me look good because she is beautiful.


Now this picture is quite significant. This was taken the night I met Mrs. Shife, and I wrote about the meeting a little bit ago if you want to read it. The quick and dirty version is that I was dressed up for a polyester wedding, was wearing some make-up and was very inebriated.


And finally this last picture might explain quite a bit about me. The stuff on my face is paint. Yes, the stuff you use to paint houses. Me and a buddy got extremely hammered and decided to have a paint party. Most of the paint ended up on us and I am pretty sure I ate quite a bit of it as well. And the last time I checked paint is not part of your recommended diet.

Have a nice day.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

The Big Picture

Mrs. Shife unearthed some photos of yours truly.
Please note I had to re-shoot these photos with our digital camera so the quality isn't the best.

No I wasn't a hippie. I was actually wearing a wig and pretending to be a cop or something. I have no idea what I was doing but someone was going to get a cap in their ass.


Yes that is me in the middle in the hat. And yes those are two fraternity brothers of mine dressed as women. And yes, oh my god yes, I am biting the fake breast on one of them.


This is a picture of me and Mrs. Shife. I was just making sure she was wearing the appropriate garments before she went out for the night. OK. Fine. I was feeling her up and it got caught on film. The picture was taken during our first year together, 1997, and she was at my apartment getting ready to go to a polyester party with some friends. Aren't we adorable? Come on it is Valentine's Day, I had to get a little sappy.

Well that is all for today but there will be more pictures tomorrow.


Monday, February 13, 2006

Valentine's Day Gift Ideas

Actually this is a list of what not to get your significant other on a holiday invented by women and Hallmark.
Did that sound bitter?
Well I might be a little jaded when it comes to Valentine's Day, but I am going to put aside my differences and offer my wisdom to everyone out there.
So here is my list of gifts that should not be purchased on Cupid's big day if you ever want to exchange body fluids with this person again.

  1. Toilet paper
  2. Prune juice
  3. Cleaning supplies
  4. Tampons and/or feminine hygiene products
  5. Weight Watchers consultation or gym membership
  6. Cooking classes
  7. Breath mints
  8. One-way Greyhound bus ticket
  9. Severed head
  10. A Sexually Transimitted Disease
  11. Nothing
  12. Lice
  13. Hair Removal Wax
  14. PMS Relief Pills
  15. Pregnancy Test
  16. Laundry
  17. A casket
  18. Carpenter ants
  19. Deodorant
  20. Adult diapers
  21. Body cavity search
  22. Smoked Pastrami
  23. An "All Aboard" tattoo on your ass
  24. A flesh-eating virus
  25. Frequent & burning urination

And just so you ladies don't feel left out, here are 10 not-so-great ideas for the man in your life.

  1. A shaver for his back
  2. Nose hair trimmer
  3. Penis pump
  4. Premature ejaculation cream
  5. A video of you having sex with his best friend
  6. Another circumcision
  7. Explosive diarrhea
  8. Sex change operation
  9. Tickets to "Brokeback Mountain"
  10. Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits

Friday, February 10, 2006

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

I apologize for the lack of action on the Dumb, White Guy network, but Mr. Shife had a life changing moment.
I have been dealing with it all day.
One moment I am fine, but the next moment I am ready to curl in a ball in the corner and suck my thumb.
I have turned the page today my blogging buddies.

I founded something down there.
You know south of the border.
Yes, down there.












One gray pubic hair.

My life is over.


Can you dye the shortened curlies?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

At the movies with the Dumb, White Guy

I have been doing this for more than a month and I still have not ran across a movie that even remotely interests me. Of course Kate Beckinsale in tight leather outfits in "Underworld: Evolution" did pique an interest in some places but Mrs. Shife reads this occasionally so I better stop talking about that. So if you are not too busy watching the Winter Olympics (I almost forgot. The final four episodes of "Arrested Development" air on Fox Friday night. Please, television gods, let some other network pick up this show. I need the Bluths) and have some free time here are the new releases this week.


"Curious George"
The adventures of Curious George, the inquisitive little monkey.
This will be cute and cuddly and something the whole family can enjoy.
Fortunately my family is not into cute and cuddly this week.

I will be at home spanking the monkey.

"Final Destination 3"
The fright-filled Final Destination franchise returns to theaters with its third installment.
So will the Grim Reaper kill all those wacky teenagers who have the worst luck ever?
Probably not. At least one of them will survive and I bet there is some gratuitous nudity.

If you enjoy horror movies then this could be more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

"Firewall"
Harrison Ford stars in this action thriller as the head of network security at a bank.
Some dudes take his family hostage and then Indiana Jones must save the day.
Who is going to save me when this film takes my brain hostage?

Beat me over the head with a monkey wrench.

"Pink Panther"
Steve Martin stars as Inspector Jacques Clouseau.
Pardon my French but this looks dumb as hell.

I would fling monkey poo on whoever made me watch this piece of shit.

BOLD PREDICTION: Last weekend's top movie was "When A Stranger Calls," and my choice for the top dog this weekend is another horror flick, "Final Destination 3."

Have a super weekend.



P.S. If the movie reviews don't do it for you we can talk about "Lost" or "24."
Lost was good last night. Sawyer is not a nice man, but he did show everybody that there is indeed a new sheriff in town.
24 was also good. It looks like Jack is going to get himself in another tight spot, and Lynn getting beat up in the alley and losing his wallet is going to cause some serious problems down the road.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Let's Play A Game

Can you guess why Mr. Shife is grouchy?

Is it beacuse ...

A) North Carolina lost to Duke. Damn you J.J. Redick
B) My alma mater, the University of Idaho, lost its head football coach to the NFL. Damn you St. Louis Rams.
C) I have been busier than a one-armed bus driver with crabs at work. Damn you little crustaceans in my tight polyester pants.
D) There were no, I repeat no, Ted Ferguson Bud Light Daredevil commercials during the Super Bowl. Damn you Budweiser ad people.
E) I got fisted by a Hungarian drag queen at the roller disco. Damn you tight polyester pants.
F) All the above except E. Damn you multiple choices.
G) Those are fine reasons Mr. Shife, but I think the real reason you are grouchy is because ___ (this is where you fill in the blank). Damn you Mr. Shife and your silly little game.



Have a lovely day.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Learning is Fun!!!

First off, thank you all for your concern about my liver's well-being. My liver has checked into a rehab facility and I expect to see him back in about 28 dys.
Now on to more important things.
Here are some things I have learned in my 30-plus years.
  • Don’t go looking for love it will find you. Unless of course you have an insatiable appetite for hookers, then you can have love anytime you want.
  • There is never, ever, any reason Icy Hot should be in the vicinity of genital land.
  • Parents are not as dumb as you think, but it is still fun trying to sneak stuff by them.
  • Dogs are pretty cool, but a wife is a man’s best friend.
  • There is never, ever any reason to abuse an animal.
  • People who drive faster than you are idiots, and the people who drive slower than you are morons.
  • Making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
  • You can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
  • Money doesn't buy class but it sure seems to buy a lot of professional athletes a free pass in our judicial system.
  • A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
  • Appearances can be deceiving especially if you just split a fifth of Jagrmeister with your roommate.
  • Idolizing a washed up celebrity like David Hasselhoff is never the best option but sometimes you just have to deal with the cards you are dealt.
  • Laugh often and laugh at yourself.
  • Seriously where the hell do those missing socks go in the dryer?
  • I am not perfect, but if I was I would be pretty damn boring.
  • It may feel like it, but the world is not going to end because your team lost the big game.
  • You can’t take it with you, but I am pretty sure I don’t what you to have it either.
  • Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless you married Star Jones.
  • Life is not like a Jackie Chan movie. For example, it does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors
  • Life is not like a porno. For example, if a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
  • "It is easy to make a buck. It is a lot tougher to make a difference."
    "Help others get ahead. You will always stand taller with someone else on your shoulders."
  • Life is short, so make sure your dash is worthwhile.
  • “Casablanca” might be the finest movie ever made.
  • Men really need some to invent a relationship translator. What do you really mean when you say “Do whatever you want.”
  • The only thing consistent about weather forecasts is that they are wrong.
  • Loose bowels and lifting weights is not a winning combination.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Technical difficulties


Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy is experiencing technical difficulties.
Mr. Shife drank like a champion in celebration of Super Bowl XL.
Right now Mr. Shife's liver is working overtime on processing the ungodly amounts of alcohol still in his system. In general, the liver can process one ounce of liquor (or one standard drink) in one hour. Unfortunately, Mr. Shife's liver still has about 400 hours of work to do.
We hope to have Mr. Shife back to normal in a day or two.
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
Have a nice day.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

At the movies with the Dumb, White Guy

It is like there is a ginormous sporting event this weekend or something because there are only two films being released nationally. So my advice to you is to see if the Oscar-nominated films are worth a shit or just get shitty for the Super Bowl.

“Something New”
It’s a rom com. Yes, that’s right, I can throw industry terms around since I review movies just based on the trailers. A romantic comedy with a twist as a black woman gets involved with a white man. Once you go white you turn into soccer mom or something like that. So I guess that is the twist, a black woman dates a white man and they must deal with family, friends and society. Or maybe the twist is that Oprah is really a big fat white dude. Stranger things have happened.

I think I would join Oprah’s book club before I saw this movie.

“When a Stranger Calls”
Did I mention that the Super Bowl was this weekend? This is a remake of a 1979 horror flick and some things are better left alone. First, this film was not made available for a review, which I believe is not a good sign. And secondly, I am pretty sure I saw this whole movie during the preview, which I also believe is not a good sign. The reason the original was so scary was because of where the stranger was calling from, and this version gives it away in the trailer.

I think I would rather eat Oprah’s book of the month.

Have a great weekend.

P.S. If the reviews don’t inspire you, we can talk about the Super Bowl instead.
Are you doing anything exciting? Am I wearing underwear? Are you more interested in the game or the commercials? Will I have a hangover Monday? Who is going to win? Who is sexier, Mike Holmgren or Bill Cowhler?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Picking my Brain

It is that time again when everything must go and I need to clear out some thoughts so I can make room for some new ones.
Enjoy, and as usual your comments are welcomed and appreciated.


  • I was arrested at a nude beach. I was putting on my sunscreen too fast.
    (Did you get it? It is like a comedy grenade. It takes a few seconds before it explodes)
  • William Shatner is another way to say that you have to poop.
    Example: I need to William Shatner.
  • What are you doing for the Super Bowl? I am being untraditional for the Super Bowl. Mrs. Shife and I are going skiing and then we will be home in time for the start of the game.
  • Out of love and respect for my mother I am pulling for the Seahawks. Sorry CS.
  • As far as the Super Bowl game is concerned, I am more interested in seeing what Bud Light Daredevil Ted Ferguson is going to do next.
  • I just found out last night that I am addicted to oil. Thanks President Bush.
  • Random Chuck Norris fact: Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Random Vin Diesel fact: The 13th and final symbol of the zodiac is Vin Diesel.
  • Random Mr. T fact: Immortaliy can be achieved by wearing Mr. T's necklaces, but he is the only creature strong enough to carry this load.
  • My drag queen name is Marsha Mellow.
  • Have you ever watched the movie "The Perfect Storm?" I have seen it about 6 times and every time I hope that the guys somehow survive the storm. They never do but I know that one time they will make it. Thank you Charles Barkley for reminding me about this.