Friday, July 29, 2005

My list of dislikes

Today is Friday and I should be in a much better mood because the weekend is here and I have Monday and Tuesday off so I can hang out with my family who is visiting from Illinois, but I just spent one hour in traffic and developed a serious case of road rage. I swear I hit every red light and I even hit one twice. So with all this time in the car I thought I about all the stuff out there that just pisses me off, so here it goes:


  1. Okay the speed limit is a guideline not a hard and fast rule. Please do not disrupt the flow of traffic because you are worried that driving 5 miles over the speed limit will get you a ticket. I think the men and women who protect and serve have better things to do than worry about you setting the land speed record by doing 40 in a 35 zone.
  2. The crappy movie remakes. Is it really that pathetic in Hollywood that they have to crank out these regurgitated pieces of garbage? Dukes of Hazzard, Herbie: Fully Loaded, The Honeymooners, Bad News Bears are recent ones that pop into my head.
  3. Asshole drivers who don't quite understand the concept of merging or yielding. Rather than turning on their signals and trying to get in the right way or yielding to oncoming traffic, they would rather drive on the shoulder until they run out of space and someone has to let them in or they speed up real fast and then everyone else has to slow way down to let them in or they just come on over and expect you to let them in. Douche bags.
  4. I don't want this to sound overtly racist but here it goes. You call a credit card company for computer service and you end up talking to someone in India. Maybe I am too old or just not use to different cultures because I live in lilly-white Idaho but I have to concentrate so hard just to understand what the dude is saying. Seriously it is like trying to solve a rubik's cube wearing oven mitts.
  5. People who insist on dressing up their dogs or giving them neat haircuts like poodles get. You look dumb, your dog looks dumb and we all make fun of you. And every night your beloved pet dry humps your slippers leaving you a nice little present in the morning. Just quit it. I love my dog just as much as the next guy but he doesn't need a sweater and some booties. He is a dog and he licks his ass so I am pretty sure having the latest in doggie fashions is not a top priority.

That's all for now. Have a nice weekend and yes, you have guessed correctly, I will be drinking heavily this weeked.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Mike Hawk

This guy successfully pulls off a prank in front of a thousand people during his high school graduation. They had the students write a couple lines to be read of what they enjoyed most about their years in high school and he changed his name to read Mike Hawk.


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Life caddy

Epiphany alert. So for some odd reason I was thinking about golf and how cool it is that they have a caddy that offers them advice. As I continued thinking, I thought what if anyone had a caddy for life? Just someone that follows you around and helps you out in tight situations. You know like if you are drunk and thinking about calling a midget hooker, but your life caddy talks some sense into you and you just end up buying an issue of "Barely Legal Dwarfs" and some vaseline. Just a passing fancy but I know we all have done things in the past where we wish we did have a life caddy.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Holy crap!

I am back and boy did I get barrel fucked at work. I basically was glued to my seat from 8 to 5 writing copy for our new websites. And since I can still feel my hangover from partying like a rock star on Saturday I had just about an awesome day. Sometimes you forget that you are a retired and try to slip on the leather pants but it is just not the same. My sister-in-law got married on Saturday and my wife was in the wedding so I was left to my own devices for most of the day so the next thing you know it is noon and I am hammered shit. Actually it may have been 12:30, but I made it until about 1 in the morning and then my wife had to put me out of my misery. So I guess I can still party like a rock star but I just can't have another concert for about a week.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Useless information

I am on vacation until Tuesday so peace out.
Enjoy the useless trivia.
1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.
5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.
9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .
10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.
13. Reindeer like to eat bananas.
14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."
16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.
20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
21. A whale's penis is called a dork.
22. Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.
23. The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights.
24. In 1912 a law passed in Nebraska where drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all the while blowing their horn and shooting off flares.
25. More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money throughout the world.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

How much does this job pay?

Stunt Cock (stunt kok) n. : a gentleman who provides surplus semen, usually on demand, to an adult film.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Shipping Oprah, err, a hippo

Two great links from fark.com today.
In case you ever wanted to know there are instructions on how to ship a hippo, and you better hope they are not of the hungry, hungry variety.
http://www.usps.com/moversnet/howtopacka2.html?rf#hippos

Also, everyone's favorite assbag is releasing an album. OK, maybe he is just my favorite assbag.
http://www.billboard.com/bb/daily/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1000980251

Monday, July 18, 2005

Vince Vaughn is the man

"Wedding Crashers" is definitely worth the price of admission. I laughed, I cried, and I fell in love with Vince. Him and Owen Wilson work so well together but Vince is so frickin' awesome in this movie. I always liked the guy especially in "Old School" and "Swingers" but I think this is by far his best work. When you get a chance check it out .... the scene at dinner table is priceless.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Hey it's me Quincy .... have a good weekend and sniff some butts for me. Posted by Picasa

Feed my ego

Tell me why you are glad it is Friday?
Besides the opening of Wedding Crashers, I am glad it is Friday because I don't have to work for the next 2 days. That is super sweet.

Two things

Wedding Crashers is out today ...... yeahhhh!!!!
It's frickin' Friday ...... yeahhhh!!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Sports wish list

  1. Duke sucks -- I guess I have to clarify it to Duke basketball since they are pretty shitty in everything else.
  2. Cubs suck -- This isn't much of a wish since it is usually reality.
  3. Yankees suck gopher balls and George Steinbrenner fires the whole team.
  4. Barry Bonds quietly retires and we never hear another word about him.
  5. The Arizona Cardinals perform like they do on my PlayStation 2 or in "Jerry Maguire."
  6. Baseball adopts a tougher drug policy and does something about revenue sharing.
  7. If an athlete signs a contract and then holds out a few years later because he wants a better contract he is kicked out of the league. You and your agent signed the damn contract so deal with it.
  8. TV announcers wear shock collars so everytime they say something stupid select members of the viewing audience can give them a nice pick me up.
  9. Less golf and more football on TV.
  10. The NHL becomes popular.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Funny but very wrong on so many levels

I ran across this today and remember the views and opinions expressed in this video are those solely of the creator of the video and not Mr. Shife.
funny fucking video.

My fat basset

Just a quick update on the Quincy dog. I had to drop him off at the vet's office so he can get some skin tags removed. So instead of sun bathing all afternoon he got a thermometer jammed up his ass, his ears cleaned thoroughly and he gets to be locked up in a cage until they put him under to remove the skin tags. Guess who is going to find a surprise in their shoes tomorrow morning?

Wish list part 2

  1. When you enter a building your very own theme music plays.
  2. People who abuse animals get deported to New Guinea and must live with a tribe of cannibals for 60 days.
  3. Steak-n-Shake opens a restaurant in Boise.
  4. Christopher Walken becomes our next president.
  5. A sequel for "Old School."
  6. Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme have a PPV death match.
  7. Telemarketers learn that no means no and not please continue with your sales pitch.
  8. Girls understand that exposing your midriff is a privilege not a right.
  9. People discover the joy of "Cheap Seats" on ESPN Classic.
  10. Americans learn that Dr. Phil enjoys sex with farm animals and drinking his own urine.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

My wish list

  1. The media decides to ignore celebrities.
  2. Oprah reveals that she is actually a redneck lesbian.
  3. The Cardinals win the World Series.
  4. My fat basset doesn't get any fatter.
  5. Someone invents a robot that eats stupid people.
  6. Short, white dudes become the craze of 2006.
  7. Terrorists become born-again Christians and begin a crusade to rid the world of Paris Hilton.
  8. Everyone gets drunk at the same time.
  9. People quit moving to Boise.
  10. People discover that "Arrested Development" is one of the funniest shows ever.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Retraction

From the beginning I have stated that I am not a fan of "Entourage," an HBO show about a young movie star and his boys. But last night I watched it and actually giggled out loud a few times. Maybe the show has finally won me over or I was just in a really good mood, but for whatever reason I can now say that I don't mind that show anymore. I am not a groupie and ready to toss my panties on the stage but I am willing to be a causal fan.
So that is the best I have to offer on a Monday afternoon .... pretty fucking pathetic. All it seemed like I did this weekend was catch up on my sleep so I have nothing exciting to report. But I did hear some wonderful advice, never play leapfrog with a unicorn. I also think Viagra needs a new tagline and I vote for it is harder than Chinese arithmetic.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Movies

I really want to go to the movies this weekend but nothing is getting me excited. I will pass on "War of the Worlds" because I am sick of Tom Cruise right now. I miss the kindler, gentler Tom that wanted to be an architect in "All the Right Moves" and told Slider he stunk in "Top Gun." I was wanting to see "Fantastic 4" but I am having second thoughts after reading some of the reviews. I don't know why I care what the critics say because I watch a lot of movies that get dreadful reviews but I think I will just wait for this one to come out on DVD. But I will be going to flicks next Friday to watch "Wedding Crashers." This looks awesome and I am hoping there are some killer cameos like by Will Ferrell and The Dan Band.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Nada

I got nothing today. I think the sun is melting my brain because I am just not feeling the creative juices flowing at all. Maybe I just need to get drunk. Oooohh, I do have one thing, I get to buy my first pink tie this weekend. I know, I know that is some fucking exciting news. And just to play into stereotypes maybe I can get a nice handbag to go with it. I am so funny. My wife is the maid of honor for a wedding and she has to wear a pink dress so we thought I could get a tie that goes well with her dress. So those are my big plans for the weekend -- get a pink tie and maybe tie one on. Ha ha ha.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Quincy's near-death experience

I completely forget to mention that Sarah and I tried to kill Quincy this weekend. Since we were traveling with the pooch, we decided to rent a car for the weekend so we wouldn't trash our vehicle. Anyway we are cruising on Interstate 84 in our 2005 Subaru Outback for about 45 minutes and Quincy decides that it is time for a pit stop so he begins his whining campaign until we acknowledge him and his needs. It usually takes the fat basset about 5 minutes before he finds the right frequency for his whine that will drive me and Sarah crazy and force us to do as he wishes. We pull into this tiny town called Sand Hollow and let Quincy take care of his business. We load him back up and Sarah helps me give Quincy some anti-anxiety medicine for the rest of the trip. She has to toss the keys up to the driver's seat to help me and neither of us think anything of it. We finish with Quinc and shut the doors to the car, so now all the doors are shut and for some reason the new Subarus lock automatically 10 seconds after the doors are shut. So Quincy is hanging out in the car with all the windows up and the car locked with the keys sitting right in the front seat. Did I mention it was like 95 degrees as well? Sarah and I start freaking out because we are in the middle of nowhere and our poor dog is going to melt right in front of our eyes. I start looking for big rocks because I am ready to bust open a window. And Quincy is completely calm because he just took his anti-anxiety medicine so he is having a good time. To make a long story shorter, while I was on the found with AAA to get some help ASAP, Sarah found a guy inside the town's only cafe to help us out. He used a coat hanger to get the door open and helped save the fat basset from being cooked. We bought him and his wife dinner for their help, and we felt very fortunate for their help. The moral of the story: Don't ever let your dog stop in Sand Hollow to pee.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Informal poll

For some odd reason I was thinking of different names for taking a shit and which was one my favorite. It is amazing what gets caught in the brain headlights when you are in the car for 7 hours. Anyway, you have poop, crap, dump, doo doo, shit, dook or duke ( I prefer the duke spelling because Duke sucks), pinch a loaf, William Shatner, #2, doodie, brownstone, turd, dropping off the kids at the pool, lay cable, blowin mud, magnus dumpus, bust ass, a movement, deficate, eliminate, etc. I always will love William Shatner but I think my personal favorite is taking a dump because it evokes such strong imagery and sounds so like you are going in there to do some serious business.
Feel free to add your own personal favorites and let me know if I missed some poop terminology that is floating out there.

Friday, July 01, 2005

New assbag on TV

OK, I must first admit that I watch this reality show on Bravo called "Blow Out." I find it strangely addicting and entertaining. Anyway I switch on the TV about 10 minutes before it is supposed to be on and there is this giant douche bag on making me want to throw the television out the window. I do know one thing and I don't want to be Bobby Brown. This new show "Being Bobby Brown" was a bunch of garbage and you can tell that Mr. Asshat and his wife, Whitney Houston, between doing blows of coke and slapping each other stupider are just acting it up in front of the camera. I know it is human nature to act a little crazier in front of the camera but these two are just going overboard. Whitney looks like shit, she definitely could use a couple of sammies, and Bobby just leave my TV alone -- it is my prerogrative.