Thursday, June 30, 2005

Where's the beef??

So I have given up fast food and diet soda this week and I feel pretty good about it so far. I had a minor caffeine withdrawal earlier this week but I am doing OK now. It may all be in my head but I do feel better mentally now that I haven't had any aspartame since Sunday. As for as fast food I have just decided all of that slop they serve us is not doing me any good so why not give it up. I swear whenever I would eat a burger or some shit from a fast-food place I would get some rancid gas about 30 minutes later but I have been smelling pretty sweet all week so maybe my insides are happy with me.
Maybe I am having my mid-life crisis but whatever the case might be I think I will enjoy life a lot more without those chemicals inside me. As long as they don't touch my beer I think I can be happy.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Disgusting

I heard about this yesterday. They are called rendering plants and I believe I will have that come to Jesus meeting now.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Withdrawals

Unbeknowst to me I have slowly developed quite the soda habit over the years, and the more and more I read about the shit they put in diet soda I get kind of freaked out. So I have been soda free now for about 41 hours and I have just hit a wall. I am not craving a pop but I just feel really tired and lethargic like I need a jolt of some mother fucking CAFFEINE. Ahhh I feel better now, but just to set the record striaght I am not giving up the carbonated devil for good I am just cutting back extensively to like 2 or 3 a week. That still may sound like a lot but that is probably what I was drinking a day.
This getting old and responsible bull shit sucks ......

Monday, June 27, 2005

Eligiblity

Well I have decided this is my last year of eligibility for the NBA. I have made myself eligible for the last 16 years and I haven't even received a whiff from those bastards. I can see why scouts have not taken a liking to me ... I mean I am short, white and from Idaho. But I have moxie and that can carry you pretty far and I also look pretty good in warm-ups so and I can clap real good so when I am warming the bench I will look fashionable as I cheer on my teammates. I can be the white version of Spud Webb minus the dunking and overall athletic ability. I will be an inspiration to all the short, white dudes out there because we need a role model. I mean who do we have to look up to. Well I guess everybody since we are short white dudes. And since I do suck a lot I can be signed for real cheap and that allows the team to use the money to sign some real ballers. Give me a call you cocksuckers, my hat size is 7 1/4.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Pee-pee pants

My place of emplyoment requires that I dress business professional. So for the most part I have to look respectable and have to leave the "Hang out with your wang out" t-shirt at home. And occasionally at work I have to take a piss and so I go to the bathroom and take care of business. After my business transaction I proceed to the counter to wash my hands. More often than not there is huge pile of water all over the counter and so when brush up against the counter I get water marks all over my pants. So it looks like pecker tracks or like I pissed myself. We only have hand towels in the pisser so I have to grab a towel and start cleaning up the mess. I look like a perv when some dude walks in and I am going to town on my pants trying to dry up the spill. And if I get too carried away then somebody wakes up and that is a whole different problem.
They need to invent some sort of guard that can run along these counters so you don't look like you pissed all over your self. I imagine something like a hockey rink where they have the glass all around the rink. I don't know it is just my completely random thought of the day.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

"30 Days"

I was watching this show last night and it was kind of scary. This dude starting taking HGH (Human Growth Hormones) and testerone to start looking and feeling younger. He was exercising, eating right and taking a shitload of supplements. Anyway about 3 weeks into it his liver started to show abnormalities and he had no live sperm. Before he began the experiment he donated sperm and he had 80 million healthy semen in his underpants navy but after 21 days they were all dead when he went back to the sperm bank. Holy Chernobyl meltdown. So as you can guess he immediately quit the program and his boys returned to their normal, happy selfs a few weeks later.

And a special shout out to DucatiMike for being a cool dude. And remember a crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Mindless entertainment

I was watching something last night and some dude said "I don't give a rat's ass." The phrase, which I have heard a 1000 times, sparked some curiousity in me and I wanted to know who the rocket scientist was that came up with it. And, drum roll please, here is your answer.

In 15th century Europe there was a horse trader and breeder by the name of Erik Ratt. He was one of the first documented breeders of donkeys and apparently his animals were large and hard working to a degree unrivaled even to this day. Because of the reknown he gained at the time, many of the kings of the day bought his donkeys as gifts to show their wealth and power to allies. King Edward the IV was said to give a Ratt's Ass to Queen Isabel of Spain to win her heart. King Fernando was so enraged by this act that he commanded his men bring him the head of Erik Ratt on a pike. Ratt died and his head was presented to Isabel. With Ratt died the secrets to his breeding techniques and Ratt's asses have never been given since.
Thus the phrase I couldn't give a Ratt's ass was born.

See you can actually learn something by visiting my blog besides the fact that I am douche bag.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Make the world a better place

Punch a Cub fan in the face.
Actually I think I am going to devote my life to protecting people against one of the most disgusting and vile epidemics facing our culture.
It is destroying our beautiful country and it needs to stop now. We have to nip this problem in the bud because it's horrible.

Please help out today be sending all of your hard-earned money to
International Federation of Americans against Plumber's Ass
4821 W. Greenbrier Drive
Boise, ID 83705

It's time for something new in Iraq

Since this whole let's win over their hearts and minds campaing isn't working out so well in Iraq I think it is time Mr. Fancy Pants and his entourage try soemthing different. I say try the win over their penises and vagina campaign. Turn the whole place into den of sex, drugs and rock n' roll. Hookers, blow, booze, midgets, circus animals, stupid human tricks, all-night pizza joints, drunk sorority girls, etc. and you got the makings of a bonafide kick ass country and just think about all of the tourist dollars. Hey it has worked for Las Vegas for the last 50 years.

Monday, June 20, 2005

No thanks .... you have an amazing day.

So I am at this ice cream joint and as I finish paying for my 1000 calorie treat the ice cream dude gives me my change and says, "Can you do me a favor? Have the most amazing day of your life." So I told him I would do my best and then a little bit later I got upset about the whole matter. That is lot of pressure to try and have the most amazing day of my life. I mean I can try to have a nice day but an amazing day is on whole different plateau. That dude has some nerve to tell me that and I think I might have an amazing day by shoving a few scoops of rocky road up his ass.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Poppin a steenrod

My completely random thought for the day -- Ed Helms and his nut cam were awesome on "The Daily Show" the other day. Also I like the phrase double entendre. Good thing Ed took two years of Spanish.

Quincy will be having a sleepover this weekend as our neighbor's 2 dogs will be staying with us. It should be interesting but I am predicting that Quincy will be sick of it after about an hour. The guests are both still pups and act like 3-year-olds all hopped on sugar.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

TV update

I have started watching "Cheap Seats" on ESPN Classic and it is frickin hilarious. The twins that host the show are awesome and some of their obscure references make me giggle. If you get a chance watch it because it is definitely worth the investment. I also watched the premiere of "30 Days" last night. The guy who did "Super Size Me" is doing a show on FX where he tries something for yep, you guessed it, 30 days. You are so smart.
On this episode, he decided to see if he could make it on minimum wage so him and his girlfriend both got menial jobs and tried to make it. It is an eye opening experience especially when you see where they can afford to live and what they have to do if they need medical attention. The ER charged him $40 for an ACE bandage that you can get at Wal-Mart for $5. It was ridiculous. They also showed how minimum wage hasn't been raised in 8 years but of course the cost of living continues to increase. But the lawmakers who continue to vote against raising the minimum wage have increased their salary by $27,000 during the same time frame. What a country.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Nude sun tanning

So I have decided to eliminate the middle man when it comes to tanning and just buy the self-tanning lotion. For the last 2 nights I have been hanging out with my wang out working on my tan. I just get all lubed up and then watch TV for about 30 minutes in the buff and voila I am an orange. Fortunately no one has come over to visit while I was getting my golden glow but it is kind of weird watching a show like "Six Feet Under" while I am sans clothes. So here is what I look like; notice the huge package I am sporting, and yes I do like to go to the beach whenever I want to pose and shoot pictures.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Adult diapers

I swear to Corn Nuts just once I would like to wear a pair of Depends and piss my pants. As I mature I have to piss a lot more and sometimes you don't want to get up and go. So I throw on some Huggies and piss whenver I feel like it. It would be especially beneficial on road trips or when you are at the bar. I know in college when we played the century club we always talked about wearing them but we just never got around to it. I would be afraid that once I did it I would really like it and never want to go back.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Wacko Jacko

I believe Captain Obvious wrote this story. This is like saying would Bill Clinton enjoy a sleepover at a sorority house.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Boring

I have taken my essential vitamins and minerals today but who wants to hear about that. I think it would be fun to take a squirt gun filled with lotion to a porn theater and squirt people in the back of the head. I also think it would be fun to go to a large public restroom and wait in one of the stalls until someone sits next to you then break out a warm Snickers bar and smear it all over your hands and then ask the guy next to you if he can spare some toilet paper.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Thanks Gramps

All my Grandpa gave me was the lousy t-shirt "My Grandpa went to the Mustang Ranch and I all got was this lousy t-shirt."
And seriuosly WTF is a drunken tengu? I have been pretty wasted before but if this came out of my ass I would really have to consider giving up the sauce.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Hi my name is .....

Dr. Dick Chopp and I need to see your penis. Seriously you need to change your name if you are going in this profession. It could be worse your name could be Luv Seamon.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Enough is enough

I have been married over 9 months now and I have gained about 10 pounds. All the weight has decided to make its home around my mid-section and since summer is just around the corner I need to lose some LBs if I want to show off my midriff. So last night I decided it is time to do something about it and I got serious about running again and will try to take a 15 minute walk after I eat lunch at the office. Don't I sound like a chick? If this was your first time reading this you would swear that I have a vagina.